Hi there!

You have a very interesting start of a story here--but I must admit I'm having some problems following along with both plot and dialogue. On many instances it's difficult to tell who is speaking--this can be easily solved by starting a new line per person talking. Second, the first two chapters introduce us to several characters--in order to set them apart and associate them to their speech and places in the plot, you could add in some description as to who these people actually are.

I really am intrigued thus far, and I think you really could improve your story if you took into consideration those two constructive crits.

All the best on your writing!

Danica

Aw...Cliff's so cute...^ ^ Once again, brilliant story. Love the directness of it. Very, very nice.

Nice imagry, and plot, I like the way it doesn't get boring after so many chapters, though it would be cool to see how some other people are affected by all this.

This is a very intresting story. Well written and to the point...nice. Very nice.

Ah. Very intriguing chapter. It's rather short...but that's fine. It's quite to the point. Such an epic tale...very nice.

Intresting story. You've got some nice imagry there. It's a kind of short chapter, but all in all very good. I like it.