You should definitely look over this for grammatical errors such as spelling and such. Your sentence structure could also use some work because your story doesn't flow very well. You need to fix your dialogue structure because everytime a different person talks, it's a new paragraph. A valiant effort, but far from outstanding. Hope this helps. I'll continue reading your work if you just keep at it.

wow cool story

I'm not quite sure of the plot at the present time but what I read seems good. Look over the first chapter at one point you refer to your own opinion like it's a conversation, try to rewrite it in a narrative perspective, that will make it easier to read and will make it flow better. In the second chapter try to put some more details in and also make it a little clear who you're describing; it's a little fuzzy. One thing that would probaly help a lot is to get an outside person to look over your work before you publish it, Doing that helps with word flow and making sure that what you're talking about is clearly conveyed. I myself have my sister look over my stuff before I publish it. I think your story has great potential and with a little bit of work; I'm sure it will turn out to be exactly how you pictured it in your head. Don't get discouraged. Writing is a skill that is learned with practice. The only prerequisite is a great imagination.