|Reviews for The Lion Lilies|
| Neverfall 9/22/06 . chapter 1
This reminds me way too much of Mercedes Lackey's culture, the Haighlei people. The culture in this story is almost identical to the Haighlei people, even down to the Lion Lilies. Really. Try reading 'The White Gryphon' sometime, if you already haven't read it.
| Kezkay 6/9/06 . chapter 1
Hey As! Kez here from the Tally forums :D
Ahh, a contest entry, eh? Cool. I don't know if you're aware of it, but your first two paragraphs have an almost poetic quality to them. There are certain words you've chosen with slant rhyme, assonance and alliteration. Read it aloud if you haven't noticed it, and if you did it purposefully, ultracool.
The short history here is really interesting, and transitions are right on. The story takes a very large leap though at the introduction to the lion. I would suggest some sort of hidden mention of something to do with the lion (either its physical presence or religious significance?) to tie it all up a little more. Trinka's statement about it having been around for weeks ALMOST solves the problem, but not quite.
Haha, Sulim about to mouth off to the lion. Priceless. I like the play between the two. And that last line is priceless. Ha!
Overall, a good, humorous short story. Nice work, and good luck with the contest!
| Techno 5/2/06 . chapter 1
Wow AsA, this is pretty good! Uhm... yeah... that's about everything I've got to say about it this moment.
| lazyearthie 5/1/06 . chapter 1
First off, it's a very interesting story, and I like it. I had some questions though. Why couldn't they get married? (or is that something we're supposed to make up on our own? cause it feels like a pretty gaping omission). And why was him deciding he loved Trinka enough to make the lion leave? Made me think of Aslan, by the way...any connection?
Here are some more specific qs I had:
"Trinka and Sulim had spent many years and hidden adventures together" - awkward sounding - what are you trying to say?
"He was the Emperor of the Great Southern Empire at 18" - do you mean he "became the emperor"? because otherwise it sounds like he *is* 18 currently, but then why is he turning 20?
"to make and changes or new laws he desired" - I think you mean 'any'.
"who at cocked her head to the side" - typo, I think.
"Again and again, as Trinka energetically returned his hug, laughing delightedly"...what? This is an unfinished phrase.
It's a neat story, good work! Hope you win!