Hey Apoc, I've only read your first chapter so far, but it makes for an enoyable read! The opening paragraphs truely set the scene well - loved the contrasing descriptions between Alban Springs and Westthrall. Nace is also an intriguing character, and as Krys pointed out, I can also visualise him in my mind. Superb!

Mx

Good plot, but it seems a bit rough in the transition of the work. Hm.

HOMG FORSHADOWING!

er, sorry. we've been revewing for my english final in class latley. if i ever see/ read Brave New World again, i will stab someone.

Anyways, your review. this was one of your better chapters, i'd say. it just...FLOWED well. and the new bad guy whose name i cant spell for beans isnT coming across as just a total evil maniac, so that's good. he's got some depth.

watch your grammer, you're a tad rusty at times.

want me to go beat up some other people into reviewing?

Aww, so sweet and content...

you're killing everyone off next chapter, aren't you?

XD i love it. still confused as to why chapter seven is there, but thats ok.

FP is horrible when it comes to punctuation, but I'm glad it hasnt taken away from the story (the gigantic paragraph was my fault, this has been fixed). Thank you Kryss for the heads up!

AH! One big scary chunk of paragraph!! This was really difficult to read. And in a few places at the begining it seemed as though it was from james's pov. I know it wasn't, it was just difficult to grasp for me, though I am blonde and that could contribuite to it too ;). I like the wording and the way you describe things, but overall it was too difficult to read...fictionpress screws up puncutation (sp) too much! lol. Anyway good wording and stuff...bad paragraph structure...~Krys

This is off to a good start. I really liked your description of Mr. Nace (He was a short, fat, sweaty glob of angst, ulcers, and nerves ). I can perfectly see him in my mind now. The only part that was a little weird for me was the way you said they are docking his pay 15. I'm am sure that you meant 15 percent and fictionpress just cut out the percentage sign or something. Maybe you can just write the word percent behind it so that it is not as confusing. I was like, "15 what? 15 cents? dollers per hour? What?"

And about Kutelizzy, I've been here over 5 years and I'm not going to take crap from a 14 year old girl. Something will be done. This is a place for writers to share their thoughts and comments on other writer's work, not a place for immature little girls to harrass people.

On a lighter note good job! On to the next chapter...~Krys

Just started reading. First chapter is great and I look forward to reading more. I'll also keep an eye out for the author you mentioned before.

*NOTE*

Thank you Kristine for bringing that up. The indentation I used to signify a cut off apparently is not supported by fiction press, and probably is the cause of alot of confusion. It will be fixed shortly ^__^ though it really should be my responsibility to check grammar and stuff. Thank you anyway!

One of the first things that I really noticed was the lack of puctuation when James gets cut off. What I do when something like that happens in my writing is add two hypens to the end of the sentence as well as an exclamation point, for the act of surprise. For example, "...me and Mari--!" would more than likely be better suited than just an end.

Just relooking at that, written properly, that would be, "Maria and me."

Also, you seemed to change the spelling of James' last name from Szakura to Sakura a few times. It could be your spell check automatically doing that, but I thought that you might want to be let know.

Grammar could be worked on as well, but it's not bad. I'll keep reading since I'm interested in the outcome of this.

Hey--this story really interests me. I can't wait to see what "investment" these people have in mind...they're not Mafia, are they? And Miles is the classic jerkish character--good job at establishing that. I almost want something bad to happen to him.

By the way, you posted the same chapter twice, and I noticed you were missing some end punctuation, so you might want to proofread a bit before posting. But great story! And as for my "Newsflash" poem, I never thought of it as a song, but the rhythm was intended as is. Thanks for the review!

UM YEAH THIS REALLY SUCKS

Uhoh, looks like you've been Troll-attacked!!

anyway: wildrose500p: OOH! mysterirous voice!! i heart!

wildrose500p: and cheerful song lyrics turned CREEPY?! oh, DUDE.

...what? i was too lazy to come up with a new review! lol, good job

Your ** sux. Yes i said " sux" i know how to spell the proper way but i prefer sux! Your ** sux. Honestly i swear i read it and i really think this ** was a waste of my ** time.

This is pretty good. It grabbed my attention from sentence one and kept my attention and curiosity up until where you left off. I agree with the commentator above that it is a bit hard to read, so do some editing. I would also try not use too much extreme foul language because it will more than likely turn off folks in my age group (50 plus). There are other ways to create shock and awe other than a bunch of F words. That said, this is a good story and I would definitely by the book.