Reviews for We Are - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: We Are

SummerWind88 2006-08-31 ch 1,	abuseYou're confused. I'm confused. It doesn't really matter. It held my attention through and through. Well written and insanely clever.
The Breakdancing Ninja 2006-08-23 ch 1,	abuseForgive me, I have really bad review stamina. I just wanted to read another one of your pieces before I ended my review session for tonight. Maybe a few brief paragraphs about the story--if you're really in the mood for a longer criticism, or this just happens to be one of your favorites and you want it to get more attention, just e-mail me. I'll be glad to review it again in my spare time. I'll just leave it as an anonymous review. Really, don't be a stranger, I like it a lot better if people are honest about stuff like that. And title your e-mail as: "Fictionpress: I want some constructive abuse". The Breakdancing Ninja gives this piece a 3 out of 5 for entertainment factor and for a strange narrative voice. It reminded him of Keanu Reeves. A lot. Refer to the criticism below for more details. This was a strange piece. It had the feel of like. The way Native Americans talk about struggles. They talk about great battles with other tribes, pains, victories--dude, that's racist. Let me start all over again. It had a really strange, ethereal feel. Something much bigger than itself. I think it's the "we" reference instead of "I". It's communal and seems like a very big struggle. The narrative voice is strange, too. It's litered with a lot of poetic lines, but at the same time, its subject is about rambunctous freedom, I think that's why I was sort of confused when I read this. Not to say I need some stereotypical BS, like, if people are partying and drinking there has to be a lot of "dude's" and "man's" all over the place (even though that would be totally hilarious), but I think the words "adorned" in the description of the first paragraph, "shackles" in the third paragraph but fourth indentation and also (in the same section) the phrase "sawed off the grey necklace that choked us long ago" ... lines like that really alienated me. Oh, but there were a lot of lines that just totally made me think of Keanu Reeves. ROFL!! Dude, read these lines with his voice: 1) "Because nothing matters, not anymore" 2) "We were supposed to get out. Be free. We were supposed to see the world." 3) "It's not just a foggy dream anymore." 4) "Nothing can stop us now." sdlghkjh XD!!1 Come on, tell me those aren't Keanu Reeves' lines. I could even see him playing one of the clones, too. He has that confused look. roflmao okay, I'm sorry. I'm a dick basket. [Empty bottles and crumpled wrappers accessorize the car sets. The floor's crumby and the inside stinks, but all we're doing is grinning and high-fiving each other with every telephone pole we pass.] I liked this a lot. It reminds me of what freedom might be for a lot of people coming out of a place full of ill treatment. For slaves and indentured servants, prisoners coming out for the first time--the conditions are just as bad, but it's a hell of a lot better than how it was before. And I like how they "high-five" each other with each telephone pole--it's like, another ear-mark for freedom. That was really insightful. The irony was pretty blunt, here. It just seemed more like a device for ending this piece than anything else. XD;; It happens a lot, though. People get a taste of bliss, and then there's a world of hurt left--or even worse, their chance to really live is terminated by their passions and impulses, and more than anything, their impatience. I think it's the "Nothing can stop us now" that glares too much. It's like, after reading it, there's a big "O RLY" from the narrator. Were you smiling when you wrote this or something? I don't know, it seems to me like writing this entertained you immensely. Or maybe it just entertained me. What's weird is that a great amount of pains went into making this piece, and yet its structure seems to be sort of dilapidated. The first one I read this evening by you was much more simple, but everything was exposed through dialogue, which was a feat of its own. What happened here? [We were born in petri dishes, but that doesn't make us any less human.] This seemed to be the issue the story was really addressing. Whether or not these people are as human as humans that are born naturally. I keep thinking of Gundam: Seed and Gundam: Seed [Destiny]. That whole Coordinates versus Naturals battle. [We used to have nightmares of getting caught trying to escape. We saw what they did to the others.] I think this is every person's fear when they're making life transitions. It's why people stay where they are and never grow, because the risk factor is too great and the comfort zone too enticing. These seems much more juvenile--the whole "we were born to be free" sounds a lot like it belongs to a bunch of teenagers. It's not to say that I can't imagine the kind of torture and dehumanization that clones might be experiencing, but maybe the voice just lacks nuance. I don't think I had too big a problem with reading it. It was really smooth--then again, this is the third one I've read with you, and you don't seem to have a problem with writing smoothly. The piece just seemed careless in structure. I think you should spend more time with this, because it could be a really awesome piece if maybe some of this stuff is exposed in dialogue, or if the narrator has more insights about the pain of being a clone. I would have said, change the "We" to "I", but then the commentary and the whole feeling of the piece would change. The story will really do well if you go back and edit it at least one more time. Alright, I'm losing juice, here. But seriously, if you edit this piece or need more suggestions, e-mail me. I would be happy to help. These were some great stories I read here off your site. It'll be an honor to come back again and read the work. It's engaging and refreshing, and I'm glad you visited my site. I think I've seen you before in a few places. It's nice to get a chance to actually see your work. Visit my site again when you can. Rock on, sketchingaCYNiC.
skywriter-x 2006-06-08 ch 1,	abuseawesomness dude! seriously, that was really wlel done, and i was like, both confused and intrigued =) it had greta depth, so good job. and thanks for many awesome reviews. they mean twice as much when they come form a talented writer =) skywriter
M.T. Stockton 2006-05-28 ch 1,	abuseI like this a lot. It's kind of depressing and kind of scary, perfectly so, and the tone is just spot on. Not heavy-handed at all, almost light and trippy, whizzing along like the car. The moments of repetition work really well. All around nice work. By the way, thanks for the review. :o)
xBOOMx she said 2006-05-07 ch 1,	abusePretty good. There's a bit of trouble with the tenses, though. You should look into that.

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