You've got some beautiful poetic phrases in this... and it has a cool sing-song quality to most of it. I think it would be effective to break it into stanzas maybe, but maybe not. My only complaint is the very last line. To me it ends with almost a comical feel, which the rest *definitely* does not have. The word "chicks" is difficult to insert into a serious sentence and you do fine in the earlier reference, but to use it in so short and stark a sentence... well, doesn't work for me, but it's all opinion :) Good job.

I really like your imagery. You have obviously watched this battle as have I or some similar. Your words bring the scene vividly to mind. Great writing.