Reviews for Thunder and Rain - FictionPress.com

With Rhyme and Reason
2006-05-18
ch 1,

abuseOh, very good! Your style is very nice. A lot of times in "unpublished" fantasy, the style is too crude and "sensational." I and some of my acquaintances have agreed that fantasy has begun to devolve into erotic trash with every work having the same plot. You, my friend, are an exception. I love the beauty with which you write. Every sentence has a well-thought-out structure and your word-choice is wonderful. For example: "A single tear rolled down my cheek, and, bowing my head in penitence, I walked back into the cave." That was great. This is why I don't write short stories. I'm only able to sustain "pretty" language for like twenty lines maximum. I was surprised to see that your narrator has lived for "so many centuries." At first I was like, "What the--oh, I understand." You're very metaphorical. I can see that you might be conveying the idea that a single mistake can follow you for the rest of your life (I say "might" because I'm always unsure with metaphors, though I try to use them myself sometimes). Another wonderful sentence: "A calm sigh, not a peaceful sigh, for I could never have peace within." Lovely. I also like the idea that power is the ultimate force of corruption. Tolkien thought so, and Milton thought so to. Have you read Paradise Lost? This is a classic Satan moment.

I feel like I should offer SOME criticism. I guess there's one part I would either omit or revise: "For the few fractions of a second before the energy clashed with each other, I found it ironic that I was using the god’s own power to destroy his connection with this world." Yes, it IS ironic. But do you really need to SAY so? I think it's obvious. Maybe you could reword it and make it sound like you don't think the reader is an idiot for not figuring it out. That's my only suggestion. And trust me, I usually have a lot of suggestions.

I appreciate the length of this story. A novella about this subject might be overkill, so this form is great. You touch on the important things, and leave the reader to fill in the rest of the blanks (such as Ceskin and Alara's relationship, their history, lives, family, positions in society, etc., etc., etc.).

Oh, and thanks for reviewing "Tristitia." I rarely get useful criticism for my sonnets, because, quite frankly, most of the reviewers wouldn't know a sonnet from a stack of pumpkin custards unless someone tells them. You're right--I do need to work on my "shifts" between quatrains. I've got the rhyme scheme and meter down, which I'm happy about. But I still need to work on Shakespeare's other poetic conventions. Again, thanks for reviewing--your comments shall be heeded.

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