m i thought the last sentence of the previous chapter said that it was the last time he would see ispen alive... but technically he saw him in the Gauntlet...
anyway, i'm glad to see more old english-y dialogue in this chapter. except for ispen saying "i got cocky". to me, that really didn't fit.
i love the way this plot is moving, though. but i wish these chapters were longer! i really think you could take this chapter by itself and make a book out of it. really. i think you should, too.
the plot is really unique, and that's hard to do in a fantasy novel! good job so far.

*gasp*! ispen, no! omg! i TOTALLY didn't expect that! omg!
uh...wow!
i love all the descriptions of the strange people that zack meets. and the cemetery.
i think this could use a little more dialogue... it's hard, i know! i've had tons of people tell me i need more dialogue... but i don't know. it just seems a little heavy on the narration side. and maybe expand it a little bit. it seemed kinda rushed near the beginning.
this seems set in the medival ages or something. so it would seem like the characters wouldn't say "hey!" they are using a very modern dialect, and i think your story would benefit if they used a little more formal old english. like the huge knight did in the end. ok on to the next chapter.

oh my gosh! i'm REALLY excited to read this now. such a powerful prologue! it really hooked me. haha awesome job! if this is the first draft you wrote of the prologue, i am insanely jealous. i WISH i could write this well.
anyway, i finished my paper like five minutes ago!! so, being free from it's shadow, this is the first place i came to: your profile to read the chronicles.
so, enough about myself... great job on the prologue... now i'm on to the next chapter.

Sorry it took me so long to get around to reading this.

This chapter was. . . awesome, for lack of a better word. Nice work! I enjoyed the description of the fight scene at the beginning--it was very well paced.

Interesting work with the elves. The story's developing nicely.

I saw a few spots where words were repeated too quickly, but, otherwise, I didn't find many mistakes.

Keep up the great writing!

Dragonknight, I can't wait for your next chapter to come out. Just don't forget the people who encouraged you when your book gets published even if you are some famous goo roo remember those who were there to read it first and oh yeah no wise cracks about short people.

I liked this chapter. Interesting developments. I can't wait to hear more about the Dragonblade. . .And his family since it is considered an heirloom. The term 'cowboy' seemed a bit odd, but I guess it worked. Anyhow, keep it up! See you next chapter.

I love the way you changed the second chapter. Great work on this chapter as well. It flowed nicely. So, I'm guessing we get to learn more about Zack's new life (without his master) in the next chapter. I look forward to it. Nice job.

I disagree with the reviewer who said you needed to know more about what the mercenary was doing to get ready to leave. If it feels too rushed, you don't have to add a lot of detail--you could condense that first paragraph even more if you wished. If fact, you could just start with him being 'on the road'(or scoping out the place in Zack's case). Anyhow, enough with that--it's not even that important, lol.

However, I do agree that it moves a bit too fast. It's a well written piece (I honestly did enjoy it), but I saw something that I tend to do as well when I'm writing a new story. I expect people to 'get to know' my character as the story progresses. Well, often times, they don't.

One thing you might want to think about is putting in a few more scenes that help the readers feel like they know who Zack is and why to feels so strongly for his master. Character is a huge part of a story, even though not every writer has to explore it. Some people are character writers--some people are action/storyline writers. Still, great writing has a mixture of both, so try to put in some character defining scenes while Zach is wandering before you go into the action.

I'd actually divide this into two chapters, the first one leaving off where Zack finds out about his master joining the tournament. Or if you want to get straight into the action, you don't even have to put on the intro. It's a growing trend in modern fiction to start where the action starts and let it go from there. But if you do this, you still have to tell what exactly is going on and do a 'very' smoth recap of events so that you're not 'telling' the reader but showing them.

I think I've rambled quite enough, and half of this had very little to do with the chapter. Oops, lol. Anyhow, maybe you can use it in the future or something. I'll put you alert so I can see when you update. Have a good day, and keep on writing. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me again.

Hey,

The prologue sounds good. It's vague as far as actual events go, but that's how a prologue should be written. The past to present tense is a bit odd to read, but it works. Only one thing I saw needs changing for sure. In the first sentence you use 'everybody'--it doesn't give the right dramatic effect. I'd try 'every soul' or 'every citizen'...

Anyhow, good work.

That was by far the best story iv seen on fictionpress in quite a while. i think ipsen's death seemed a little too fast but other than that it was a flawless story.

First thing the readers notice is that you immediatly go from asleep to awake to away without anything in between. Did he brush his teeth? Did he have trouble packing his gear away? What was he thinking when he considered his dream before he forgot it? Don't try to rush the story to get to the part you want to write. Let it go at its own pace and in its own time.

Whenever you have a new person speaking start a new paragraph so the reader can see it is not the same person speaking. Also, your dialogue at the beginning seems kind of forced. Speak it out loud and try to make it flow naturally. Give characters unique styles of speech if it helps.

Why did Zack need to be trained to be a mercenary? Why go through the long period of training when he could just join a guild and become a mercenary on the spot and train in his spare time? Mercenaries aren't usually the most beloved members of society no matter how good they are. People don't like the idea of allies who could easily be their enemy if the price is right. What made Zack want to be a mercenary? The reasons you gave are so...bad. Seriously, go to this website and take this test. http://w.angelfire.com/gundam/otto/grayswandir/mary-sue-test.html This is not me being an **, this is me telling you that every character you concieve of should go through this test. It prevents you from making horribly cliche characters. Trust the test, it is good for weeding out bad characters.

The weapon Ipsen uses is not strong enough to kill a rabbit. It would be the equivilant to shooting it with a toy bow. Something like that would require a near point blank range to be even remotely effective. Those things are gaudy and ineffective. Even your concept of it is flawed. How would he fold the bow across his arm when not in use without breaking it?

The whole mystery surround Zack's father is odd. How would the man know what Zack looked like? Was Zack given up as a baby or as a child? An additional thing, an idea for stealth assaults is to darken a bright, reflective blade using fire. The fire stains the edge of the sword black until you clean the sword and polish it.

When you want to give the readers information, don't go out of your way to give it to them. The reader now knows how Zack feels about the royal family without having met them. If you want to describe them, do so in a conversation or when Zack sees them. Don't just give the reader that information. It is called info dumping.

You do the same thing with the warrior from Al Shirah. Tell the readers they are fierce when Ipsen is fighting the guy.

It was very rushed. This should have been at least three chapters so it could at least appear to be slowed down. Within three paragraphs so much happens that it was difficult to follow.

Again, I' going to say that you need to take the aforementioned test.

Shadowhound

Same complaint as the last review for the beginning. This is just a useless bit of information you could tell the reader inside the story rather than telling them on the outset.

Shadowhound