Though it's obvious you tried, the beginning is quite strained. I would suggest maybe giving a background into the character who's narrating to make us more in-tune to what is happening around him (her?)

Also, when someone new speaks, you do a new paragraph. Expecially with works like this, it becomes nessisary to keep the flow and an intrested reader plowing ahead. I had to stop quite a few times to understand what you were talking about.

You are pretty good at discribing things, besides the narrator (I still don't know their gender). You could use some practice, but all and all it's apparent you have skill.

Keep writing, and I hope to see an edited version of this story!

Write hard,Write long,write until dawn,~FDW