Very interesting intro! It sucks you right in. I could really set the scene with all the descriptions.

The only thing I might look into is to describe the kingdom a little more before you thrust into the dialog.

Good work!

Nice. Really interesting. It is a good start. I've been looking for a good fantasy to read on here. It seems I might have found it. Can't wait to read more. but, you may take your time. In the meantime I'll check out your other story too.

Oh, and could you review my latest? I've been working on it for a while, I keep thinking of things to change, but I'm not sure. Thanks.

Your writing style has changed from Our Star. This seems to be more action based than the dialogue of our star. It is an interesting concept. (I did read one other story about mermaids, a poem... who wrote that... Aquafied maybe? sorry, irrelevent content) but it is a unique concept. I like the names, did you make them up yourself? I'm terrible with names... bleh.

I would flesh it out a little bit more, maybe. I'm not sure how a webscreen would translate into a book. (If you were aiming at real publishing.) (Just curious, have you ever been published?)

Comment on the last word in your story "aie" it's the french subjuctive of avoir, meaning 'to have.' (I think it's avoir anyways. I think that's right... maybe, maybe not the subjunctive though... the past? bleh irrelevant)

nice night,EiB

Intreaguing beginning. So are they mermaids or something? And what's an Aie?