This was beautiful and very profound. The two people I saw in this were either a little girl, wanting to be noticed because no one ever did, or a teenager wanting to be the person she drew, because they were perfect.

Am I close?

Anyway, excellent writing. I'm so going to read other stuff you've done and put you on author alert. :)

I liked this poem... not because it was amazingly figurative and symbolic and deep, but because there was this aspect of innocence to it. There's these lines

"She’ll be perfectly shaded in

And She won’t have color,

But that’ll be okay; She won’t need it

Because She’ll look so good

No one will notice."

and

"I want it so much

That if I don’t get it, I’ll die.

And when I do get it,

I’ll draw so much that my hand’ll fall off."

and

"I want a pencil that looks really cool"

They're sort of childish, but I think that's part of this poem's charm. One thing though is that I thought this simplicity clashed with some parts like "it'll sparkle with the color of midnight skies." I just feel like it's a different tone, a different voice, a different person speaking. Don't get me wrong; I think that line's beautiful, but maybe not for this poem. That's just my opinion though.

Thank you for sharing your writing!

Man I like this poem. I find your style interesting and your descirption colorful. All in all a very nice piece.

i really really like it! i didn't know you could say so much about that! hehe... i dont even know why i like it so much! keep pn doing stuff like this... oh! and i loved E flat minor... k! byee!!
i just ad you to author alert! thanks!

This is a great poem! I have a similar writing style, and I understand all the punctuation you took out, the capitalizing of "She," etc. Really great. Keep it up!

Congratulations on taking third place in the review marathon. This is your prize review.

I like the idea of the piece. However, my honest opinion is that it needs a lot of polishing.

-I think stanzas would help it seem more organised and clearly thought out and prevent it from coming off as a sort of ramble.

-Phrases like "so good", "really cool" and "if I don’t get it, I’ll die" sound pretty juvenile and lame to me. I'd advise you to work on the word choice.

-The capitalisation of She and Her seems strange to me. I'm guessing you did that for emphasis of her importance, but I personally find it bothersome.

-It just doesn't seem very much like poetry to me, with the lack of rhythm, rhyme, and poetic language like metaphors and similes. I'd suggest either working on those aspects and the ones mentioned above or simply scrapping the choppy line breaks so it's prose.

~Adrian

Cute, and what a smashing pencil that would be. I like the whole she-and-her-capitalized thing.

Great work. I really like all the imagery you used. I also liked how it almost seemed childish in a way. Like, you gave all the reasons why you wanted that pencil and what you'd do with it. It just seems like something a kid would do if they really wanted that pencil. This is going in my favourites!

You know what, I want everything you want here... :D You know whats weird, everytime I read someone else's poem, their great. I don't know how you people do it! :(

I loved this!
I thought it was very beautiful in some parts, like here:
"But in the light, it’ll sparkle with
The color of midnight skies."

And

"She’ll be perfectly shaded in
And She won’t have color,
But that’ll be okay; She won’t need it
Because She’ll look so good
No one will notice"

=]
Great writing.

~Ghost

aw this was so cool! favourites again :D its amazing how you could write all that about one thing and it still sounded great!

I liked it, although the first half of the poem didn't do a very good job at drawing me in; I found the second half to be much better. The flow didn't seem perfect at times but maybe that was just the way I was reading it. I really liked that you wrote about such a simple thing, it made the poem all the more interesting.

Wow!This is a very good poem.I love the imagery of it.

I liked the capitalising of "She" and "Her" - gets the importance of Her across without too many words, always a good thing in a poem.

To pick a dislike (for the review game) - hard, but perhaps "midnight skies" seems cliched?

I thought this was really good! Will read your other stuff now...

Congratulations for winning the Review Marathon!

I really liked the second half of the piece.. the part about drawing til your hand falls out was funny and the rest of it had some really great imagery... you could see the picture being drawn... the first half I wasn't too fond of.. it seemed more pose than poetry up until the line "the color of the midnight skies" But it's still a really good piece.