25 chapters and 3 (now 4) reviews. Something is obviously wrong here.

Usually readers on fictionpress are turned off of huge chapters. Shorten your chapters a bit so readers will have an easier time reading.

I didn't read any of your story. I ain't that interested. The first sentence and paragraph didn't hook me whatsoever. That is another problem. Your readers ain't reading. Change up your first sentence and paragraph. Hook us.

I skipped all the way down and noticed that you put your character to bed. Bad. Readers are often put off by this. If the character goes to bed, they go to bed...and they won't be reading on to the next chapter.

These are my opinions, you are the author so you have complete control over your story. Not me.

Starts off good but I have a problem with this and this is just my unluckness speaking. I want to RnR but I caught on when its now huge. Good luck though. I'm trying to RnR everyone from the forum.

Awesome man. Another vampire story, I have been waiting for one for so long.

gotta say that I'm glad I read your mythology piece before I did this one. I found that some parts were more clear because I was familiar with some God names.

The plot seems interesting...and the Colorado reference sort of made me go "What??" Is that our Colorado? Anyway, there are some awkward sentences, and many start with "I", which I've read (is difficult to get around but) should be reworded, like instead of "I frowned at the words and suddenly Unworld Warrior stirred" you could say, "As I frowed at the words, the Unworld Warrior suddenly stirred" but I like how you've intented "Unworld" etc - for this other world you've created, inhabited by Centaurs.

I also like how you start into your story with action, instead of over describing insanely. This story isn't about humans by default, which I think is clever!

Anyway, that's just my two cents worth.

G