   Draketeeth 2006-06-21 . chapter 1"Part 1. The part that is the first" Heehee, that's funny.
"Never much light allowed on the inside and very few windows that weren't barred." This sentence sounds odd. You may try re-wording it so that it flows better. 'There wasn't much light allowed inside, because the few windows were barred' or something along those lines.
"a red painted Axe that hung above the door frame,. . " Why did you capilize axe?
" . .that lacked any whites at the moment, . . " So the whites of his eyes come and go?
“yes master” He replied “I have the captive" / “and?” / “weak sir." In these three sentences, you need to capitilize the first letter of each new line. You also need a peroid after 'captive'.
I barely knocked him upside the head before he fell unconscious” Peroid at the end of the sentence.
"“uh huh”" Capitalize first letter.
"“oh dear” Said Faren, “and you let him do so?”" Same comment as above
"“well-come on, he's like a head shorter than me, i didn't think he'd actually try anything!" Same as above, and you need to capitalize the 'i' in the statement 'I didn't think. . .'
"I didn't think he was that stupid!, like I told you," Exclamination point then a comma? One or the other, not both.
"“you know, you always say that”" Capitalize first letter in the beginning of the sentence.
"“fine, where is he now?" / “locked in the pantry,” / “...fine ...he really punched you?”" Same problem in the beginning of these three lines.
"“only once” Rethro said grudgingly. . " And this line.
"“now, i did what you asked, give them back”" Capitalize the 'I'
" . .but now i think you've grown too dependent. . " Capitalize the 'I'
". . .start training more, without the gloves”" Peroid.
"“that sounds like a stupid idea to me, If I had had them tonight this wouldn't have happened”" Capitalize first letter, and a period at the end.
"“yes and I wouldn't have had such a good laugh about it, . . " Capitalize first letter.
"He started chuckling. “just a kid!”" Since you ended the narration bit with a peroid, the first letter in the dialogue needs to be capitalized.
"“just wait you” he found himself saying, . . " Capitalize the first letter in the sentence.
"“yes, your name is?” / “insolent brat is good” / “you insolent brat!” He was kicked again. / “damn that hurts! How do you expect me to talk like this?!”" Capitalize the first letter of each line.
". . .pain is the best teacher”" Peroid.
"“fair enough, then I've decided to be stupid from now on.” the kid folded his arms and tried his best to look defiant. / “what?”" Capitalize first letter of each new line.
" . . with someone like this, most of the time they gave in by the second kick" You could probably put a peroid here and it wouldn't hurt anything. It seems like one big run on sentence without it.
"“what's your name?” / “I can't tell you that, I'm stupid”" Capitalize first letter, peroid at end of sentence.
"“stubborn little bastard” Capitalize.
"“so I can get a good shot at you”" Same as above
"“that's a stupid name”" Same as above
"“yeah, okay” said Arith" And again. . .
"“where do you come from?”" Again, you need to capitalize the beginning of a new sentence.
" . . .sorts of people that you were supposed to ignore and not except candy from." Except = accept
"All in all the next day the only information Rethro had been able to bring back to his master was that / his name is Arith / He 's 15 years old" First sentence use a : or a ; to indicate a list is about to come. Second sentence you can use a peroid to strengthen the sentence. Also capitalize since it is a new point in your list. Third sentence, same thing.
"and" either add a . . . after the 'and' or do several dashes.
". . .two really, i hardly say the last one counts." Hahaha! Yes, the last point does sem more like an opinion. Capitalize the 'I'.
". . .containing bird cage behind a pile of books “no”" You could probably end the sentence at 'books.' and then start the new sentence at "No".
". . .and you rarely do that”" Peroid.
"“Yeah, but he has like, super brat powers!," *snicker* Someone doesn't like kids. That's funny.
"“please go on, I'm just dying to know”" Capitalize, peroid.
". . .he needed. “and what did you tell him?” You ended the sentence so you need to capitalize the 'And'.
"“I kicked him sir, and then I phased out”" Peroid.
"“more violence sir” Rethro replied diligently." Capitalize first letter in the new line.
"“I thought you were supposed to be smart”" Peroid.
"“Nope, there's a lesson to be learned here for you” / “gloves sir?” / “what the?-no, no gloves until you learn the lesson”" First line: peroid. Second line:Capitalize first letter. Third line: CApitalize first letter, peroid at the end of the sentence.
"“hey!” he said" Capitalize first letter in the new line.
"“well” said the spoiled one. . ." Capitalize first letter. Spoiled one is a funny name for the kid.
"“yeah kid i have a memory” / “well, when you did that creepy wall seeping thing-” / “it's called phasing” / “yeah that, you forgot to lock the door”" Capitalize the first letter in each new line. Lines one, three, and four need peroids at the end of the sentence.
"“oh yeah, and you forgot to bring me my milk” / “what are you five?”" Line one capitalize first letter and put a peroid at the end of the line. Line two capitalize the first letter of the line.
“ gr...”Rethro growled “The master will see you now” / “good” said Arith “because after this is all sorted out I'll just be on my way” / “good, I hope I never see your ugly punk face again”" One: capitalize, peroid. Two: capitalize, peroid. Three: capitalize, peroid.
"“er...” began Faren “hello”" Same as above.
"“hello?” asked Arith" CApitalize first letter of the new line.
"“room service?”" Again, same as above.
". . .this is just the sort of place that someone like you would build”" Peroid.
"“my complaint is about your wake up call system-” / “this isn't an inn!”" Capitalize beginning of both new lines.
". . .'good' thought Faren, 'at least we're going in the right direction'." Just so you know, thoughts are usually in itallics to keep them separated from the dialogue and story narration.
"“of course” said the boy. . ." Capitalize.
"Because I'll just be on my way”" You can either end this line with a peroid, the . . . or a dash.
". . .Rethro will get you back before you're ten feet of the place”" Peroid.
". . .and not much for brains either”he began to putter about his. . ." You need a space between the 'either"' and 'he'.
" . ..office in a paranoid fashion, which is what the antagonist" end the sentence with a peroid, but the line seems to end abruptly like you stopped mid sentence then continued on with a new paragraph thought.
"“so you admit it!"" Capitalize.
"“he's actually going to leave” / “try sir, try, he won't get far'" Capitalize, peroid. Capitalize, peroid. Use the Dialogue quotation mark for dialogue and not the single mark.
"Rethro looked delighted “gladly master”" Peroid.
"which is what the protagonist was expected to do. . ." Capitalize the beginning of a new sentence.
"Arith was navigating his way through what seemed to him like a vast tunnel system of the fortress. . . .The struggler, if you will, the one we can sympathize with, The MC, The SLP." This looks like you're having a rant, or are loosing faith in what you're writing. It's kind of funny, but only because I've seen this same thing on the NaNoisms thread on nanowrimo.org message board titled 'I Hate Myself and Want to Die'. Is this a NaNoWriMo novel that you're finally getting around to posting? (though I somewhat doubt that. It needs editing.)
"So how, you ask, can we have two protagonists that are enemies? Easy! . . .This whole place was confusing." These two paragraphs look like word padding. More NaNoisms that are unnessary.
"“huh” he said, and shrugged," Capitalize.
"“who are you?”" Capitalize.
"“not relevant to my situation, I'm sorry”" And again.
"“get...out?” she asked," Again. . .
"“oh” Said Arith a little sheepishly “why can't we use this door?” / “out of order"" One: CApitalize. Two: Capitalize, peroid.
"“oh” there was in fact a sign that read 'out of order, . ." Capitalize.
"wizard's honor'. “isn't that a bit risky?”" You ended a sentence so you need to capitalize the first letter in 'Isn't'.
"“oh no” said the girl. . ." Capitalize.
"“what?” he asked." Capitalize.
"“what? I'm not going to move just. . " Again, capitalize the first letter in a new line.
"“err...” the girl wasn't sure . . ." And again, same problem as above.
"“yeah” he said distractedly “right after I open this one”" Capitalize, peroid.
"(amazing really, her mouth was already open and everything)" either put dashes at the end of the line, or a peroid.
"“you're on your own” the girl said. . ." Capitalize first letter of the new line.
"“huh” he said to himself," Same as above.
"and decided not to go for that approach again" Peroid at the end of the sentence.
"“congratulations, you officially posses the brain of a rodent”" Guess the kid can't claim to be stupid anymore huh? CApitalize the first letter of the new line.
"“err...” he thought a little helplessly. . ." Capitalize the first letter of the new line.
Ok, You make a common mistake over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. . .I think you get the point. These are all easy to fix problems, and easy to catch before putting the story up on the Press. Over half over these are either at the beginning or ends of lines or paragraphs. You really need to proof read, and edit before uploading. It's a good story, with funny character, and you've got the plot all set up, but the minor common and frequent errors take away from the reading enjoyment, and the review weiting enjoyment. By now I've probably worn out the keys for the words 'peroid' and 'capitalize'. So, for shorter reviews on correcting minor grammar and spelling, and for your readers peace of mind, please correct these errors before they have to be pointed out.
Keep writing, but mind what you type. Don't be in such a hurry to upload that you miss such a large amount of problems.
~Draketeeth~ |
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