Reviews for Where Angels Fear to Tread: Twin Shadows

Reviews For: Where Angels Fear to Tread: Twin Shadows - Reviews: Page 1 of 5

Allirose 2007-11-08 ch 12,	abuse'Ello! (For lack of better opening catch-phrases/ect) Hm, so you have updated. I have read the other chapters but I still need to review... Punts laziness but the damn thing's like a boomerang -- The repitition of the word 'softly' in the first two lines of the chapter somewhat bug me. Try using a different adverb. -- When someone addresses someone else, you need to put a comma before their name, MaDMaS22. -- “Shadow squeezed his fists into tight balls until his hands begun to hurt.” Don’t tell me that his hands hurt. Show me. “Shadow squeezed his fists into tight balls until blood dribbled down his palms.” Or something. Perhaps he suddenly opens his hands to see nail marks on his palms? Show, don’t tell. If he’s sad, don’t tell me, It’s not like we can trust anything the author says. Get the characters to show it. This helps the reader feel more of what the character is feeling and creates more emotion and atmosphere. -- Oh, and we have already established the fact that Shadow is Shane. Constantly alternating between names does get a little confusing for those who haven’t read closely enough or have skipped straight to the action. -- “Shadow’s fists trembled with anger.” Trembled with anger is obvious. Readers aren’t idiots. If he’s trembling with anger, ‘trembling’ would be fine. Leave the reader to draw up their own conclusions. Also, it’s an un-necessary. If a person is yelling and shaking, it’s quite easy to see that he/she is angry. “Tears cascaded down his face as he sobbed in despair.” Isn’t as good as “Tears cascaded down his cheeks and he sobbed.” Well, I hope it isn’t, anyway. -- “He raised starring Shadow in the eye.” There should be a comma after ‘he raised’... I think. Also, ‘starring’ should be ‘staring’. -- I do like how your characters react to one-another. Realistic as far as I can tell though I don’t think that gloating and yapping is the smartest thing to do. Also, shouldn’t they have cameras in the room to see what’s going on? -- The metaphors and similes “His lunges felt like acid” Oh, and lunges should be lungs. -- Remember to edit the chapter before you post it. It’s the writers duty to make sure whatever he/she writes is the best that they have. Write it, edit it the same day, fix what you need to, then wait a day. After a few days, check over the chapter again to make sure you’re still happy with it and also to make sure no more mistakes are present, then post it. -- Otherwise, a rather entertaining (However short) chapter! Motives and actions/reactions seem true to character. Well, that’s all I can think of. Remember, don’t tell me how a character is feeling, show it. Use powerful adjectives and verbs to help create imagery (Though I think you’re doing quite well in that department, metaphors, similes and stuff like that). Hm, when I next have time and when you next update, I’ll take a look!
Equilibrium 2007-09-29 ch 12,	abuseWoah. Fantastic! Keep it up!
soojinyeh 2007-09-21 ch 1,	abuseat first i only read this cause i used to live in a group home called Where Angels Tread, but now I love it. Read and review me please.
Mindshadow Productions 2007-07-16 ch 11,	abuseMobius characterization (in his memo) was good; very consistent w/ the geeky voice I remember from 2 episodes back. Shadow tested the SOS and turned invisible. Did he deactivate it when he headed towards Bull/Hound? Looking forward to see what Shadow finds out from behind the booth.
Mindshadow Productions 2007-07-16 ch 8,	abuseI'm back... Sorry it's been a while; as I say in my profile, my work's been making making me work... Minor grammatically errors here; some missing commas, etc. Sometimes, when I read, I try to voice them out to myself to feel which is more "natural", at least to me, in terms of context. For example: "I'm serious ok..." "I'm serious, OK?" "Well… Mobius that’s basic stuff. "Well Mobius, that's the basic stuff. Little stuff like that. Again, just suggestions. Maybe I'm mis-reading the context, so take as you will. Overall, this chapter was a solid self-contained dialog, which made it very easy to follow, in terms of Shadow's suspicions regarding White Division. Of course, maybe Mobius is "in" on it as well (or alternatively ends up dead, either which would be standard for any conspiracy fiction), so we'll see where this goes.
Words.Forgotten 2007-07-14 ch 11,	abuseUh-oh...I have a terrible feeling about what Shadow's going to find! Very well written!
GreyStar Dreams 2007-07-13 ch 11,	abuseVery nice! I really like how you have Bushido have his own type of inner spirit thing or a type of concious. You know? Imaginary friend... I'm sounding like an idiot aren't I? :P Anyway, It does show character and it also shows that characters that aren't the protagonist or antagonist have lives too! This chapter was very good to show more character on Mobius as well. (My new favourite word: CHARACTER!) A nice chapter though you do need to check through Shane's conversation with Ms. P because you have a 'ur' there instead of 'your. Anyway, I thought that this chapter had a lot of character developing and is quite an insight into the mind of Bushido! Well done!! From Laughter
The Mumbling Sage 2007-07-08 ch 9,	abuseSome people always put glossary's in the back of their book...anyway. I'm going analyze my understanding of your terms and chapters. God help me, I have no idea what the 'Oar' is in CamOars. Acutally, I don't get that word at all. Probably something in Japanese, knowing my luck. Anyway, when's 'a few years ago'? Com Unit- figured. Yeah, a lot more information on Decoding will be necesary. Shock AND AWE genade weapon? Sounds unlkiely... God's I-D is an interesting idea. I wouldn't class an I-dent as battle technology, since it's mostly information and isn't offensive. It might just be J-i tech. Illicit Elegy does mean forbidden scroll. Like, literally. As a warning, the only other fantasy-cyber story I can think of off the top of my head with an overly formalized title is Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate. Which didn't make sense, and which generally sucked. So watch thy back. Why do you need goggles to interpret reality like a human if a human (I assume) is wearing said goggles? I guess they have ESP now. Goggles with ESP. Heh. Why is Shadow so special that he gets them? Does the Raptor respemble a velocerapter by any chance? 'This tech will need to be investigated further' seems very casual, out of place, confusing, and generally uncessesary (about Sticky Fiber Suits). What context will these notes be in as footnotes, anyway? OK, got Rosebud's threat level: B or A-. Or, if you think her temperament makes her harmless, class her as 'Non'. I don't really remember if threat means threat to the controllers or her enemies. You probably should have stressed that Ch 2 was a flashback. Little else is understood or known about Paper Doll by WHOM? Her makers? Yourself? You ARE the author, for crying out loud! Also, who was Shadow playing as in Twilight? And why does he cry over it? Hm... You keep forgetting to capitalize 'Dual's name. So has Shadow given up on Drakonia?
The Mumbling Sage 2007-07-08 ch 8,	abuseWell, here's an I-dent...not sure if it's done correctly or not. Name: Shanna Alburg Call Sign: Rosebud Age: 23 Nationality: American Ethnicity: Caucasian/Hispanic (A/N: Her mother is 1/2 hispanic, her dad's German) Inception: July 26, 2039 (So that's what you meant by recent future! [from Shadow's I-dent]) Marital Status: Single Service: 12 years (if this story takes place in 2041, which I think it does according to Shadow's information) Rank: (Shadow is Division Leader)She's something low on the totem pole, but I don't know what your options are. Division: Tactical Stealth and Espionage (Espinoage) Threat level: S (goddam, I can't remember the threat levels. She's about 2 levels lower than Shadow, or maybe 1 if it furthers the plot to have her that way) Threat Summary: (Shadow: Heavy taijutsu user, reliant on knives. Primary weapon- “Jishaku Kaon Ken (Magnetic Heat Blade)”) I know nothing about martial arts or hand-to-hand, but 'Rosebud' should probably be proficient in something. She'd rather use a semi-automatic than knives. Grab a primary weapon from somewhere, I can't be bothered to translate. No warnings. Basic personality, temprement: She's a little jarringly modest, rarely drinks, and likes nibbling on snacks when bored or nervous. She's normally calm unless people are doing one of the two things that irritate her: whistling or whacking their hands against their thighs ('drumming'). She's blond with dark brown eyes and dark-ish skin (probably made darker by a tan). She obeys orders well but may be able to give them in an emergency. If she ever had to take over command, she would probably immitate her former commander's style.
The Mumbling Sage 2007-07-08 ch 7,	abuseAgaah! When did you do so many updates?!? Anyway, I'm going to review this chapter and answer the stuff in you AN, then I'm going to read but not review chapter 8unless I have major commentary to make, and then I'm going to go through 9 because the title looks interesting. So... lithe can't be rough, rough can't be lithe, and I don't think resoance can be lithe, either. I'd check that. I didn't expect Shadow to be so...shocked still. I mean, he is a warrior. You'd think he'd have some sort of 'battle zone' where he goes when fighting. Women fighting naked? And called gazelles? I think something broke in my brain, but I don't know what... Reversing a knee's natural direction? I'd pick a new way to say that. it sounds like a physics essay. And I don't know much about street dancers, but -are they violent? Efficient? Naked? Swords body harness = sword's body harness. Remember your posessive apostraphes. Hey! Is this gazelle Paper Doll? I'll see about this I-dent thing if it hasn't already been taken care of. I can't remember much about Yuki. I know Shadow's name. I know the escapee is Paper Doll (or at least suspect so). Try and reveal that next chapter if you re=edit or something. I can faintly remember Shadow meeting Yuki. But then, my memory generally sucks. If you say it and it makes sense to me, you're probably in the clear. Knew Artimis was a pilot. Wasn't sure about Intelligence and RING leader. I can remember hearing them both and perhaps having them both refer to the same being...if you want to jog the reader's memory, bring them Intelligences/RING leaders back in another chapter and spell it out by using both titles. Pretty much figured out what Elegies ARE, but not how they work or what they REALLY do... That's 'too' distant, and no, I figured this was 86 centuries or so in the future...waay future...like, after Dawkins was proven wrong AND we figured how to make Elegies. Unless this is all and undercover conspiracy. 'Twilight' threw me off, but it all makes sense now...after a fashion. Gosh, that was confusing.
Allirose 2007-07-08 ch 1,	abuseUgh, darned sisters won't stop badgering me until I read this darned story. So, badda-bing-badda-boom, I'm here, kudos. (And if you’re scratching your head in confusion about what I mean by 'sisters', just read my damned profile.)Yeah, Laughter tells me to tell you that she is sorry about reviewing and... Hold on... checks e-mail and about not being able to review your story... Luicia says likewise. And, if you ever get in contact with them, please inform them that I AM NOT A FREAKING MESSENGER GIRL! So, I will admit, I am unable to pick holes at this story because I am not a science fiction reader. Anyway, besides for the small grammar errors that point to you needing to proofread the darned thing, I have to admit that this is a good starting to a seemingly decent story. Shadow actually having a wife and not being some kind of young teen ready for love is a refreshingly new concept and I am glad. Keep it up. ~The Last~
Kitty Brennan 2007-06-19 ch 1,	abuseThat's pretty good. I think you've done a good job of showing Shadow's vulnerabilities (he has no problem taking out some soldiers, but those Forcers freak him out), and the technology that this world uses. The part I didn't like, is how while he's on a life-or-death mission, Shadow's thoughts had to "drift back" to Mobius One's description of the suit. The suit is awesome, don't get me wrong, but describing it by flashback...it was a bit disorienting. But, you know, that's your call. The rest of the descriptions, however, are quite stellar and vivid, if I may say so. Kit
Master Chief 2007-06-14 ch 4,	abuseWay to pull through with an unexpected dogfight. I'm not a big fan of Artimis' lisp, but i can definitely see a love triangle on the horizon. If PORP is an acronym, you should explain what it stand for. The cam-oars that provide the pilot with a third-person view of the ship is tactically a bad idea. Now if they were more like Options from Gradius or Funnels/Bits from Gundam were they were also mobile weapon platforms, then I could better understand their inclusion. Other than that, try watching out for being to verbose during the dogfight. It can create unnecessary confusion, especially when describing wild manuevers and crazy battles. Sometimes, simple is better. Example: (Right after you mention the Lynpadic Shifter, which i still have no idea what that does) "The engines bawled, the wings closed tight and the jet blazes tripped fantastic." Maybe you could change it to something like: "Jet blazes shot from the screaming engines and the wings swept in, narrowing the fighter's profile as it shot higher into the atmosphere." The whole idea is to present everything to the reader so that they don't need to read the sentence more than once and if possible connect it to what happens next. What i did there was set up the line with one that comes later when the computer says "15 seconds to stratosphere". More dogfight chapters please! M.C.
Master Chief 2007-06-14 ch 3,	abuseThis chapter was a lot easier to follow than the last. I'll wait to see if J-I is what i think it is, but it's starting to come together. The middle section of the chapter left me wondering: whose perspective is this? At times you make it seem as if it's a peer and/or competition much like a senior being scared of losing their starting spot on the team to a sophomore. But this person is watching with the other observers, so there is a major question. Also, this person is never identified. In following drafts, try identifying this person early. I really liked the internal dialogue that person had as well. It was the closest thing to empathetic disdain I could imagine. On to 4. M.C.
Master Chief 2007-06-14 ch 2,	abuseThis chapter is a little puzzling... exciting... but puzzling. I think the section at the beginning with Yuki at school was redundant. You show later on that she can take care of herself and that she's of school age, so it doesn't really serve a point. My only problem with the meat of the chapter was the fact that Master Oni seems like one not to be messed with and two assassins (one a rookie) were able to sneak up on him. The bit at the end was slightly confusing, but I can ask you for clarification about all that later. You have a talent for writing gripping action and despite only having a vague notion as to what was going on, your combat scenes are top notch. The only MINOR problem there: Master Oni got waxed by a sniper rifle? at point blank range? On to 3. M.C.

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