Reviews for Hurricane Wind - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Hurricane Wind - Reviews: Page 1 of 4

soojinyeh 2007-11-03 ch 1,	abuseThis story is a semifinalist for the 2007 Fiction Awards-Funniest Fic. Please go to the voting forum for more info.
Narc 2007-09-13 ch 1,	abuseThis chapter needs quite a bit of work, especially in the area of dialogue. You mentioned that it gets better later, however, I'm not the sort who's willing to wait that long. Dialogue: Doesn't flow very well. You use things like said-bookisms, adjectives, and exclamation points to say things that the dialogue itself should convey. Especially the exclamation points. It feels like all your characters do is yell at the top of their lungs at each other. Examples of said-bookisms: 'retorted', 'grumbled tiredly', 'demanded to know', 'retaliated'. You kind of pound the 'everyone hates me because of my Japanese heritage' horse to death. Far too many 'Ah's. It sounds corny. I'm the sort of person who needs to see plot, or at least a hint of plot, very early on. I'm sure it's relevant, but someone breaking into the school by itself doesn't suggest anything. Right now there's nothing here to hook me into reading more.
Blackeri 2007-09-10 ch 1,	abuseNeat begining. You need some work on the action sequences, even if just someone hitting the brakes on a bike. You describe it like its a screenplay. Broken and scratchy. Otherwise, plot's pretty good and some funny parts!
tabiscus 2007-09-10 ch 1,	abuseRightey then... ahh...grammer corrections: "...what I believe is fast are too[you mean two] different things.” and thats it for grammer stuff. I just had a few qestions. Is Ryuji hyperactive? You dont actually have to answer that. You said third accident. Wasn't it the fourth? What's bobo (sp?) juice? Is it alcoholic? M. Oh!I have a complaint: you mention him being japanese too much. It's good that you put that bit of racism in, but not so much, yes? And sheesh, a trip to canada? Wonder who's paying for it.Isnt he worried about studying? Anywhos, I'll tryto keep reading although its a vry small possibility. Not an insult to you, of course,its just that ie got so much onmy plate right now and i still have to r&r week 8. Gak.
The Ferrett 2007-09-03 ch 3,	abuseThe permant laugh lines that were on my face from the first two have died down. Virgil - decent bloke, calms down the other two quite well. Plot is ripping along well. No crit here. ::))
The Ferrett 2007-09-03 ch 2,	abuseThe color in this hurts my mental eye. My question is what images are you going to conjure up of the Canadian landscape. I cannot image your characters near snow. Or mooses. Hehe. I am waiting for a little calmer names though. Anyway good work. ::))
The Ferrett 2007-09-03 ch 1,	abuseI started reading and thought I'd landed in another whiny why land with an unobservant main character. But I kept reading and it slowly started to remind me of one of the random (japanese/chinese) cartoons on crack where everything is extra hypo (I'm a Disney fan myself.) Characters... work in a horrific oh my kinda I can't draw my eyes away way. Plot... I'm giggling like a child and Description and flow... I can see the Wilee Cyotte skid marks from here. Works for those who like that sort of stuff. Me? I'm going to grab a swig of water and look at chap 2.
Fractured Illusion 2007-07-20 ch 4,	abuseI've noticed you like to add the label "Japanese-Korean" quite often when describing Ryuji. This proves predictable. You might want to consider lessening this. When presenting people, you care too much of how they look like. In the end, I will only end up confused and forget. It is better if you SHOW more than tell. Ie; when someone does something: "Andria whipped her head, causing her high ponytail to sway" It's more natural that way. The way you give it, it's more of "here are the fact, remember them." And really...mentioning what colour their socks are? Is that really necessary? This is a question you always have to ask when writing something. "Is this really necessary? What does it add? Can I write it in a better way?" Ok that turned out to be more than one question, but you get my point, right? This time, the many characters was too much for me. I could not follow, as everyone seemed to be acting almost the same way except for hte established weirdoes (Ryuji, Jongsoo). The description is poor also. Not much to say about it other than "please increase?" And Koreans have other ways to measure age (concerning Jongsoo's comment) Cliffhanger for real this time! Goodie! Because otherwise i am sad to say that this chapter was boring in the way that nothing was really happening, and all was too confusing.
Fractured Illusion 2007-07-17 ch 3,	abuse"punching Ryuji in the shoulder instead" I am highly unsure about this one, but punching someone in a body part seems to be the wrong term... "on" sounds more logical. Anyhow; good transition from last chapter, simply skipping the airplane ride and all and simply starting it where things are happening. I also adore how Ryuji interacts with people and what reactions he causes. His small retard-ism is cute as well (I know he ain't no retard, but he seems like it from time to time ^^ Guessing dropped frequently as a child, but hey, who knows?) "Ryuji jumped back onto the bed, thinking that the floor was alive. “The floor! It’s alive!”" This is a general problem of yours; restating what has already been said. "thinking that the floor was alive" "It's alive!" It's just off-putting... I did adore his "It's alive!" quote. But really, try to not keep doing that. Repeating yourself with the exact words as well is a big no-no. Still a lot of "Aah"ing that bugs me to no end >.> (Are you sure people find this funny?) A lot of new characters (again :P). It is truly interesting how Ryuji brings out the worst in everyone. Btw, I can so see fanfics of Ryuji and Jongsoo being made. Mhm! >.> I can see it! gives crazy eyes suddenly falls asleep as she is dead tired Sorry for the crappy review, but my energy level is just as crappy so yeah... Fun chapter!
Fractured Illusion 2007-07-16 ch 2,	abuseWatching easy-going Ryuji interact with people who does not like him that much is far more interesting than his friends for sure ^^ "“No!” Young-shin complained. “Don’t go to the park with me … please! Go separately! All of you! I can’t stand any of you!” He paused for a few seconds before adding, “No offense or anything.”" chuckles Yeah, no offence ^^; I like your characters. Though they are many, it tends to get confusing at the immediate introduction as they are all over the place. And I feel for Jongsoo... Poor loser that he is :P What does "sumbae" mean by the way? Please don't incorporate words and assume the readers will know them.. If it's from a different language I mean! "“Run for my life!”" laughs Kiwon probably felt a bit deserted there :P Common amongst tight knit groups. And Ryuji is oblivious as always. It's not obnoxiously so. Except when he talks to himself so much. This chapter was certainly a lot more interesting than the first; it brought a lot of crazy elements into it (and crazy characters). Good job!
Fractured Illusion 2007-07-16 ch 1,	abuse"“There’s no way I’m going to slow down!”" At last, someone who does not excuse himself all the time relieved However, I do not like your "Ah!"'s and such. That he screamed should just be said in the text. It looks awfully awkward to have it this way. Might just be my own opinion, but I will stand by it :P And Seoul? Korea? Oh. "Yeah … that’s it! It’s just because my parents are Japanese!" It took him his entire school year to figure this out? Seems a bit...slow Incorporating the still alive conflict between Japan and Korea was a nice touch. Done your research I assume? (or do you actually live there?) Either way, it's good. Makes me wonder why his parents moved to that country though... "And he hadn’t even been alive during World War II, or anytime before it. And he " Usually, you shouldn't start your sentences which are so close the same way, unless for a stylistic purpose, but those times is usually three in a row and here was only two. I suggest variation. "Ryuji screamed, for the third time that morning, “Ah!”" You just said he screamed.. No need in pointing it out again. The saying "show, don't tell" is given an entirely different meaning here :P I have no idea, but I adored the interaction between the main character and Jongsoo. "“It’s been five years, Ryuji, I’m sure that Hideki has changed.” Noriko remembered Ryuji and Hideki’s last meeting, which took place five years ago." You just said it had been five years. It is fair to assume their last meeting was five years ago as well... Ryuji (tricky name to spell but as I am familiar with anime and manga I am aware how its pronouced at least :P) is a delightful character, but I don't like how he talks to himself in a bit of a obvious narrator way. Also, the chapter's start was a bit boring. It would have been more exciting had you started it at the time when he arrived to school... The re-telling of his catastrophic bike experience was retold after all, which made showing the events a bit pointless. wonders how well recieved, if at all, Ryuji will be snickers at thought
Tragic and Devastated 2007-05-28 ch 24,	abuseAwesome chapter. Be sure to update soon. Oh, yeah, i know i don't say much in reviews. TAD
Whit5000 2007-05-28 ch 24,	abusethe end of the first hw book! now ya can try ta get it published! (when you ready i guess. Sense ya said you wanted ta go back and rewrite some of it.) some errors i think. "Of all the times to rain, why 'not'?" now. "Melissa, unknowing 'of' how to reply to his statement," shouldn't it be on instead of 'of'? “Idiots!” Sergio exclaimed indignantly. “I’m not an idiot!” Was Sergio askin a question when he said Idiots? As he repeated Melissa callin everyone an idiot. Without the question mark, it sounds like he's callin everyone and himself a idiot instead a bein surprised by her callin him a idiot. "I’m starting to get a little freaked out',' are Ryeja and I going to make it back to Korea alive" period instead of a comma afta 'out'. Then you capitalize the A in are. "Jongsoo stood in place silently as if trying to absorb everything that 'word' 'that' was said." word and the extra 'that' ain't needed. "She thumbed over 'at' shoulder at Ryuki and Ember, explaining" the first at should be her. “I’d say!” Kaneaki agreed with him. should it be, "I'll say?" Anyway, good chap again. My prediction was all wrong, but i like how ya let the first story end as a cliffhanga. I was a lil confused at the end though... I'm guessin Virgil was talkin ta Yuri, but i dunno how that could be cuz he can't speak english and Virgil don't undastand Russian... i dunno if he found out about Kenai or what, but if he did, i would think he would be more worried about that than the gangs at that moment. I like that though, cuz it adds suspense. lol, i dunno who was on the damn phone and i wanna know, but won't know for a long time now... good story. 10/10.
Whit5000 2007-05-22 ch 23,	abuseFinally... blood! found some errors. 'Operation Hurricane Wind had blown up in everyone’s faces with some rather amusing consequences. It hadn’t accomplished its goal and it hadn’t brought TO group closer' ? Is it spose ta be "hadn't accomplished its goal and it hadn't brought the group closer." 'Oh, I better not think about that,” he muttered to himself as an amused snicker slipped past his lips. “Because it might actually happen!” When Kenai managed to get himself "calmed down,'" managed to get himself to calm down? 'Yeah, the plan. Kenai figured that it had been foolish of him to actually believe that something as simple as that could keep them together. The only thing that it had given them was a name, but none of it "matter" anymore.' mattered. 'No wonder "that" the plan had failed.' the word 'that' don't need ta be there. Ya gave us a lotta character development on Kenai, so that was real good. And this is like the first time Yuri talked. I'm guessin Yuri knows a lil bit a english cuz he undastand when Willow was talkin bout Kenai askin her out? Ya shocked the ** outta me with the endin. cuz, i was expectin someone ta come outta nowhere to the rescue, but that ain't happen. lol. I ain't expect none a that from HW. 1 mo chap left...
Tragic and Devastated 2007-05-21 ch 23,	abusegood chapter...though it was a bit on the long side, if i may point out. update soon. TAD

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