Whoa.

What is THIS?

Seriously, I thought this was excellent. Some of your, uh, verse is a wee bit strange. . .meaning stranger than and unrelated to the rest of the story as a whole. But overall. . .this made me very sad. It gives me a feeling like a combination of Roger Zelazny, Neil Gaiman, and that wistful moment when you realize that you had a dream in the back of your mind from the night before that just slipped out of reach and if you could just remember it, you're pretty sure that something perfect would happen. I don't know if you took this story seriously at all (I did), but I think you have a real talent for this, and I hope you keep writing!

Your story sucks.

Here's the constructive critism:

-It was long.-It was BOORRING.-It had a lot of unnecessary information. Like how they move their body. If they can read everything else in your story, then they could figure out that if King Twenty moves his arm, then his brain sends a signal through his body to his arm, moron.

At some points, I found this hard to understand, but I couldn't stop reading it, so at least it had an element of compelling to it.