Reviews for The Lady in Black

Reviews For: The Lady in Black - Reviews: Page 1 of 7

Monet 2 B 2008-06-17 ch 2, anon.	abuseI was definitely bored by the third chapter. I like the idea and theme behind the story, but you should brush up on your writing skills. There should be more detail about the setting and you should use a more wide range of vocabulary. Do some research for medieval terms. Also, the characters seem too fairytale-ish. I mean, golden hair, peircing eyes, stunning beauty, is all very cliche and very boring. Finally, is there a villain? By the third chapter you should have introduced the antagonist, whether he be a specific person or a group of people. The clincher in the beginning of the story is that this girl is supposed to play a pivotal role in an epic war, but three chapters into the story and the reader only has a name to go by when picturing the enemy in his mind's eye.
Written 2008-03-20 ch 3,	abuseI think your choice of setting is awesome, by the way! I love that you have a futuristic fantastic setting, but geographically, it's in a country that you are familiar with, so you can talk about that with some authority. it's kind of clever, if you think about it, because you (and we) know the lay of the land... not that I'm saying you haven't done some very capable world building anyway. it's obvious you've put a lot of thought into the history. I hope that all made sense.. (Laughing she assured the boy that they would be leaving shortly.) maybe a comma after 'laughing' would be nice? so far so good :)
Written 2008-03-20 ch 2,	abusegood chapter! I don't really understand why she's a seamstress AND a lady in waiting AND awesome in combat, since it seems like three separate jobs, but I suppose she might just be that cool :)
Written 2008-03-20 ch 1,	abuseHi! I think you run the risk of turning off a lot of readers from the get-go, because an info-dump at the beginning can be... difficult. Kind of like reading a (fantastic) encyclopedia of sorts. Regardless, I read it anyway, and I quite enjoyed it! I'll read the next chapters as soon as I review. I think a better way to show off the setting would be to slowly let it in throughout the story. to thread it in, in other words. that's a bit more difficult, though. another thing people often do is start with a scene and then begin the infodumping, which seems to catch more people's attentions... anywaay, don't think I'm criticizing or anything. Just pointing it out :) take care! see you next chapter.
KelseyBell910 2008-02-28 ch 24,	abuseThis was absolutely brilliant! You are a fantastic writer. I don't know why more people haven't read your stories. Kelsey
Airily 2007-10-19 ch 2,	abuseHello! I said a VERY long while back I'd return the review you'd left me, so here I am! I've read this chapter, and the prologue - and it certainly looks interesting. I'm not American, so unfortunately that sort of takes away from the impression I'd expect I'd get if I was, to see my world so different. I suppose in that aspect there's less universality, but in Australia we're exposed to so much American media, I doubt it'd make much difference. The first chapter definitely interests me! At the moment my impression of Lynn is a bit iffish though - beautiful girls with a special task/power who are unusually trained in combat run the risk of turning out to be Mary Sues. However, your style is mature - so I'm thinking this won't be the case. I'll come back and read more a bit later - I should really be studying for exams, haha, so this may be more than a bit later. It certainly looks promising!
carmelatte 2007-09-29 ch 24,	abuseI like it, a job well done! :D
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 24,	abuse...the end? Anyway, I loved it, and it's been on my favorites for awhile now. I guess it's time to move onto the next one. =)
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 23,	abuseI'm so glad they finally came to their senses. “I believe you’re on your third or fourth by now.” Oh, I loved that line...
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 22,	abuseI feel smart again. =) So Lynn really is Leon's daughter, then? For some reason the thought of James picking flowers made me laugh. It's a little hard to equate my image of him with something like that. I imagined him skipping through a meadow of some sort. All that was missing were the little woodland creatures...(But please, don't omit that on my account.) Aww, Asil's so cute...
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 21,	abuse"...but he’d fainted, and his other sword came down hard." I'm pretty sure he feinted...Yeah. Wrong word. And now it was Daniel? Nice twist there. Lynn sure has a knack for catching James at the wrong time, doesn't she?
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 20,	abuseGood job on her swordfight, there at the end. I can't wait to see what's going to happen with that spell.
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 19,	abuseI feel smart. I knew it was Williams. But maybe I was just biased because I didn't like him, anyway. I remember "The Lady or the Tiger"! We had to read it in my 9th grade English class. Then my teacher made us write our own endings, since the one in the story was rather ambiguous... Those guards aren't too bright, are they? I felt like laughing with glee along with her. The escape seemed too easy, almost. I was happy to see it happen, but in reality, would they really have gotten through with that minimal bit of fighting? I dunno, it just seemed a little rushed to me.
ohthevoices 2007-08-02 ch 18,	abuse"I want as much information as I can from the general, but do not kill him." snicker I'm sure Lynn will appreciate that, won't she? "...the man replied, bowing low and left the room." You'll want to use "leaving" here. The whole parallelism thing again. "Life was surely grand, he thought, if Madame Sinclair’s, Lord he hated that woman, pride and joy was now his captive." The "Lord he hated that woman" seems out of place. If you want to keep it there, dashes would work better since we can tell that you're trying to break the sentence up with his thought. I hope that made sense. And if not...just use the dashes. "...one by one the countries of the world would fall." And then they'd get to Russia, where the infamous Russian winter would crush them all...again. (Sorry, couldn't resist!) Dude, Maverick, sadistic much? Medieval torture is...interesting. I think I've only ever watched that scene in Braveheart once. You mentioned that she was on a canopy bed, and then you mentioned it again two paragraphs later. (I feel like being picky this morning. But really, it's only little things. I don't have any problems with the actual story.) "I want a beautiful, and you are wrong when you say you are not, woman with fire and passion." I'm not liking the commas here, either. Dashes would probably work better.
ohthevoices 2007-07-31 ch 17,	abuseWell, at least their men tried. =)

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