Just dropping by; I needed to fulfill my reviewing train, but I actually managed to return all my reviews just today, which was totally awesome, because usually it takes me about a whole WEEK to get through all the stories! I was so happy!

Hopefully my hellish reviewing style (cluttered, God, so cluttered) will be of some use to you. If you discover that you might need someone to go through one of your chapters with a fine tooth comb, just send me a review reply/PM/comment on LJ/e-mail, tell me what to focus on, and I'll get right on it. I'll start off with a few general comments.

This chapter was loaded like crazy. The major problem I had was that the flow was a little too perfect. Association is fine, but it needs to reflect a person's daytime thoughts, or else the device might suffer looking too informative or stiff. The hardest part is the first chapter, and introducing us to the new character. I don't question relevance when I read a multi-chaptered story, because I always assume that it will all come back, and that all information is inherent for character exposition and development. I also don't worry about pace as much, because everyone has a different pace.

But I do worry about exposition. This girl is just sitting at home, foraging around for food, obviously lazing around the house (because she's in her dark jersey clothes, which she managed to stain--I'm thinking ULTRA GREASY food lmfao). If she's just lazing around the house, and she's not heart broken or thinking about her life or going through some kind of crisis, to expose something as deep as her family history in such detail with a flimsy transition (from entertaining parents to BAM mother, occupation, love, dead dad and how he died) doesn't fly as freely or as naturally as if those details were introduced in a less forced way.

Even if you took out all the history, and just left her to forage around her house, the story would probably sound even better; then we could pay attention to her mannerisms, her restiveness, how she deals with simple things such as a man walking his dog, for instance. We'll have more time with her. I feel that family history is such an important part of characterization, and so inherent that to mention it casually in passing--in narrative, no doubt--is just like cataloguing relationships in chronological order, relationships, also being a major facet of characterization.

As for what I liked, well, there's a lot. I think I'll pick out some choice details. First, the jersey thing. I told Maranwe Telrunya that a lot of authoirs are afraid to mention those down and dirty details--as if people don't relieve themselves, get dirty, as if landscapes didn't have ugliness. Every time I see a detail about stains or physical flaws on a character, I feel a sense of justice. I think in that one detail, the story described a LOT about the character's current situation.

I like what the character does with her newfound freedom, especially sliding around the house and watching corny love movies--LOL that sounds like something I'd do if I wasn't such a weirdo already.

I also liked how the detail about her height was inserted; I bristle with revulsion when I see height explicitly stated in stories, it's one of those things--it's sort of like... Well, instead of providing an anology, let me just say that, when I'm envisioning someone in my head, I only think three different heights-- not six-two, five-eleven, or four-nine. I'm thinking short, average, and tall. I think of it this way: if small to me is three foot, but small to you is four-eleven, it won't matter if you say the character is short; we'll still be seeing a short person. But if you say four-eleven, I'll first think: What the hell does four-eleven look like? THEN I'll probably freak out when you say that someone who is four-eleven is considered short. I will disagree. And I will probably frown.

I was glad about that height detail; interaction between the environment and the character is always appreciated, especially when it is as resourceful as that.

[Its ears were pulled back, as if it was searching for something, and its face was distorted enough that I could tell it was snarling.] This was a choice description for me; I liked how the image of the dog is described feature by feature, so I could get the full effect of the snarling expression. I feel that you should add more of these in your new chapters; these kinds of descriptions are ones that I'm always struggling to create and I can't quite get there. I'm really guy-ish when I wrote prose, so I sort of just stomp all over this stuff when I'm writing, but when I'm reading, I start thinking: 'Okay, and how come I can't do this?' It looks so complicated to me for some reason.

I'm a fan of short chapters, so if the other chapters are like this, I'm not going to complain. Short chapters give me a chance to pull apart a scene without worrying about the next--and the next--because man, it gets really hard, and it feels like my mind is struggling up hill or something! Or it's like... playing one of the FF games and not having a save point, especially after you've leveled up like, eighteen times. O man, that's the worst feeling, as if your game's just gonna freeze on you or something!

I'm going to try and come back to read the next chapter tomorrow or, at latest, by the end of this week, so I could stay in the groove with your next chapter. The writing is sound (I'm not very good at structure; Nghi and EnigmaticArsenic (Sip_Happiness) the structure goddesses and I look to them for their divine help all the friggin' time!), I'm just worried about that huge chunk of exposition.

Your eye for details is something I'll be looking forward to in the next chapter--and that creepy man! See, SHE was laughing and everything (most likely to relieve her own doubt), but I was still totally worried about that guy, especially with a dog like that. I hope that guy's not gonna try and stab her! I should've read the summary so at least I would have an idea of what's going to happen! Gah!

Thank you for the good read, Stars!

Rock on!

'God knows such a masculine man like Adam wouldn’t appreciate something so… feminine.'

I admit it! I giggled. Adam's pretty prominent in her mind, huh? Probably because he was the first guy she noticed, and then the other two came.

Uh, one thing I wanted to point out (it's not too much of a big thing, so don't worry too much). When someone new speaks, it should be a new paragraph - it's less confusing that way. For instance:

“Yes?” I looked around the room, trying to appear bored, but knowing I failed miserably.

“Do you… think I could sit down?”

And:

“Well, you guys run the house now, don’t you? So it’s your decision,” I snapped, unable to tamp down my irritability. And instantly regretted it as the man’s face fell. I opened the drink, tuning out the man’s sigh in favour of the gentle fizzle coming from inside the aluminum can. I don’t know why I should be the one feeling bad, really. He was the one at fault here, not me.

“Oh, fine, sit down.” I sighed.

Not that I didn't understand it was Jonah (hey! we have same names for our characters. how awesome is that?), because it was clear, I just pointed it out in case you wanted to come back to this story later and edit it (because I have an awful habit of doing that halfway through stories).

And yay! We find out her name! I loved how you brought it out, because most stories are like 'I'm blahblahblah, my parents were on crack obviously when they were naming me.' but you brought it in so naturally I was all 'squee! This person is an awesome writer!'

I’m fond of (hah! I’m using the thesaurus now! No more ‘like’) how you brought in the quote too. Quite original.

How old is she? I hope you don't mind me asking, because it was mentioned that she was a teenager, but not her exact age. From what I've read I'm thing she's in her later teens (like 18/19 because she sounds quite mature).

Also, didn't the neighbours notice anything suspicious? Because, usually they would say something if three big guys went into the house where there was only a teenage girl.

Ah, never mind, I'm sure you'll explain this later. I always let my curiosity get the better of me (one of the reasons I can never read thrillers).

I really enjoyed reading this! Your approach on this is quite imaginative and pleasing. Can't wait to read more!

I do hate smug voices in my head. It's sad that they're always right, as opposed to me. >.<

I know in my previous review I was all like 'I like this and I like that', but I can't help but say I like how she's angry for a reason. Yayness for Anger With A Cause. I also like how she isn't all whimpery and 'please let me go!' (which is how I would probably react), instead she's strong and she's trying to get rid of them & save herself. Which I think is awesome.

And ouch. They're pretty cruel, and conniving. At first I wondered how come she believes them so instantaneously (about the mother thing). Wouldn't she want some sort of proof or something, because maybe they were making it all up. Then I realised, she's already lost her father, she's not going to risk losing her mother. So kudos to you for having the plot so well thought out!

I like (that word again! sigh, I need a thesaurus, I swear) how there's humour to the tense atmosphere. It kind of makes me relax as I read it because it's not 'OH NO! TOO TENSE! I NEED TO SKIP FORWARD TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS' Which I tend to do often being the bad reader I am. That's why sometimes endings don't surprise me...because I read the ending after the second chapter if the story is too suspenseful/boring. Such a horrible, horrible reader I am.

(blegh. Sorry for the OT-ness of this review!)

'his gait was too confident, his clothes a little too polished, his appearance a little too pushing to be considered a boy'

The rule of three! I love it! (Sorry, I'm sort of obsessed with the rule of three).

I like your writing style; it has a really nice flow to it. Your descriptions are really natural and not 'too much' like descriptions usually are.

Also, I like how you let the information out slowly and subtly and don't dump it on us like data (as some stories tend to do).

I think this line (continuing to live in the place where she and my father had started their life together, and their family) would be more effective if it was written as:

'continuing to live in the place where she and my father had started their life, and their family, together.'

It gives it a nicer flow. But your way is fine too. I just thought of mentioning it because finding things to constructively criticise in this story is really hard!

I liked the first chapter a lot. It built up the atmosphere for the story (with her slight paranoia towards the end) and it gave us enough information without loading it on us (the readers).

So far, I like the character. She seems level headed and yet innocent in her own way. It sounds like she's grown up in a safe environment and she's quite a romantic at heart (but who isn't?).

I love your writing style by the way! It's very natural and it flows together smoothly.

No not school! Well, nice chapter. I like Adam and Emma. *tear* They're made for each other. That was such a clich line.

The second half to this chapter was VERY promising. The whole action is building here, and it's my interest is now in the fact that these men might have a dirty, dirty job. It's a very interestinf concept, forcing a girl to allow them to hide in her house. :)-In my opinion, though, I think the romance is building a little TOO fast. I mean, I'm all for it, since there is considerable tension between Adam/Emma, but like I said, the story is in its beginning stages right now, and it'd be really nice to develop the main plot a little more before introducing the romantic portion of the story. Unless, that is, the romance IS the main plot, although that would be a shame because it has such a kickass potential to turn into a freaking awesome action story. Hope you update soon! :)-Nghi

HAHAH. "Good enough? What was good enough? Not... me? Oh God, he wasn't going to... was he?" Dirty, dirty, dirty. XD-I loved how the girl was secretly checking her captor out. Yes, WAY TO BE SMART IN A SITUATION, lol. No, but that had me laughing.-I'm really interested to see where the plot's going. I mean, why use someone's house? And why her house? I'm assuming they're being chased by something, so I'm going to have to read the next chapter.-The only criticism I can think of is the dialogue. It's a little bit choppy and rough, but it's not SO bad that you're like, "Wow. Talk about awkward." The only suggestion I have is to read it out loud. Does it sound smooth and flowing? Or do you halt a little when you try to say the dialogue? -Keep writing! :)-Nghi

I'm a lazy butt. :3 So I'm just sitting down and reading this, and it's pretty good. The pace of the story is a bit quick, but it's not like, "Whoa, jeezus, what the heck just happened?" And don't worry about being humorous or not--I know THIS part definitely made me laugh: "One would have thought that staining dark clothes would be difficult. Obviously not in my case." I LOLed for a bit, because I know how she feels. I stain things like crazy, ahhaha. Can't wait to read more tomorrow morning!-Nghi

Wow! I lovelovelove your story! I would write more, but I don't have the time. I'm looking forward to more Emma and Adam interactions. Also, she has yet to have any interactions with Alex. Update soon!

Really nice! Very interesting going so far. I would love to see more of Adam-Emma! Please try to update more often.

i love your writing hon. it's just so descriptive and the flow is astounding. hah, i think i'm in lust. i think my favourite part was where she poured the peroxide on his hand... all of it. hah, imagine my glee-- and dahling, the main character is so unpredictable. i'm such a loser, i don't remember her name-- or did you even give us one? eep.

hmm hmm, now to your reply: i'm not arab, i'm pakistani. i was born in an arab country though and grew up there for most of my childhood and early teens. and for the most part, i love the desert and that sweltering heat. i love it more than the snow you get in canada. hmm hmm, what else. looking arab isn't such a big thing-- i'm sure you're pretty as you are. arab would like to trade places with you to look exotic; poeple like to look different and yet want to belong. eh. the only exotic thing about me is i'm tanned and have thise wierd almond-shaped eyes... like lana from smallvile, lol.

and my chapter: i think it sucked bigtime. it was different from the other and not consistent with the prose effect i was going for. eh, it woasn't possible to complete my challenge without doing that 'cause my challenger likes lots and lots of dialogue... and the first chapter was mainly a prolgue, a general discription of what went on in the beginning and how life would come to change after that. ahh, i'm rambling, aren't i?

by the way, good on you for wanting to go to egypt and study history. i am such a huge fan of egyptian history, the gods, pyramids and such and it's extended my interest into roman and greek culture. i'm a freak, ne? and while we're on the subject of showing interest, jonah and our lead woman. isn't that nice? hahaha. and they're brothers, methinks. oh, brotherly love... i get to see it a lot around here.

and so since this review is mind-numbingly long and **, i shall be off. take care and know that i'm a huge fan of yours. i hope that she does escape somehow... or contact authorities. byee dahling.

Great story! I love her reactions.

I hope you start updating more often! I really like this story XD

I'm enjoying your story very much. My only question is why wouldn't she try and dial 911, or escape from her house?

She is living with a bunch of criminals. It just doesn't make sense for her to not try anything, or be more concerned, more so at least than acting like she had some troublesome relatives staying at her house...

Anyway, I will be watching for an update!

Thank you -- my response is a bit late, I apologize.

My favorite actress would have to be Ginger Rogers or Maureen O'Hara. They both were so talented and so beautiful.

Thank you for the lovely compliments. :)

i like! and i want to read more *nods enthusiastically* and for some reason, i love that you added cairo in there-- the arab-born part of me grins. i still don't know her name, eep, but i do know that she's attracted to adam... well, somewhat, and that's good enough blackmail material to get her to say it.

heh, you've nearly passed the 3k word mark... lucky duck. i'm still sucking that writer's block pill wondering what the hell i can do. red sky should have just been a one-shot... grr. but anyway, dahling, take care and know that your writing is wonderful *nodnod*

(heart)