Reviews for Janquell - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Janquell

Pablo 2007-05-16 ch 1, anon.	abuseThat was wonderful! Thank you. I think there might have been a phrase or two that sounded awkward, nothing most would notice, though.
InspiredSpider 2006-09-15 ch 1,	abuseI liked this it was very well written altough i do think the black girls accent and dialect was off when I first read it I thought she was Jamaican. I know you're not being degrading, thats obvious, but i think it's because when you see language written like that on a page it makes the speaker seem as if they have less intelligence or less grasp of the language. (I'm not getting offended just because I'm black it would be the same with any other accent it envokes different perceptions- like for example, a snobby french accent, you know?) ANYWAY I did REALLY like it so well done ~spider~
i am pookie 2006-07-24 ch 3,	abuseRobert! I would love to know his thoughts about screwing a 17 yearold! Oh. Haha. I like how in the card he wrote "how w changed the world" It makes me think I missed something in your story, some sort of message you intended. But thinking back I think I noticed it. I just failed to mention. "The races" and all that stuff Robert was talking about earlier when he was sitting on his porch with Janquell. How they were all the same. So I guess, in his own mind, the union of Janquell and him "changed his world". Or maybe I just read completely wrong into that and it's just some cutesy little saying he wrote on the card. All in all. A very interesting story with thought provoking insights... I really did enjoy it.
i am pookie 2006-07-24 ch 2,	abuseDUN DUN DUN! I spoke too soon. Honestly...I had a creeping sensation that it was coming. It doesn't at all create dislike for this story, actually, it makes me think even harder. I just think they are both at a point in their life (from what I can gather of this story, and what is my interpitation) that it's like a dead end. Robert is married, rich, bored. Life doesn't excite him like it used too. Janquell is poor, college (she doesn't know if it's possible), and this rich guy has an interest in her. I don't think she's thinking romantically (she doesn't seem a romantic person), but i just get the feeling she's overwhelmed by all this and it makes Robert seem attractive to her. If Robert was a "normal" middle-class man, I don't think they'd be having sex. I think she would have (maybe gotten to his house) sat around where ever and talked for a little and she's leave. Great job, I really can't wait to see where this will end.
i am pookie 2006-07-24 ch 1,	abuseI really like the exchange of conversation in this story--the meeting of two different people: a rich white man and a poor, black, and female woman. They both seem interested in the other--extremely so. I really like how this story made me think. You really have a knack for description and imagery. I like how you made both their goals common. When you mentioned their goals I realized that most people want respect. That's basically what human beings live for...until you get smart and realize that it isn't everything. Personally if you have respect for yourself, respect from others will come. But I liked that "goal" they had. Because it shows them both how much the same they are (it was somewhat like the turning point in the story). I have to say I don't know exactly "where" this story took their relationship at the end, but I'm just going to settle on friendly conversation at his house...because from the story you presented here it didn't seem like it would be anything more. I think this was an excellent story. Really, wonderful.
Gilee7 2006-07-23 ch 3,	abuseNicely detailed, descriptive first paragraph. [Robert appeared carrying a tray with continental goodies and wearing an open robe.] Eww, I'm glad you didn't get as descriptive here as you did in the first paragraph. Nice cliff-hanger like ending. I'd really like to know Robert's response, because I doubt he knew she was so young. I mean, technically she wasn't even legal. LOL, I can totally see the expression on Robert's face. Update soon so we can actually see it for real!
Gilee7 2006-07-23 ch 2,	abuseThis chapter is the perfect length. It provides the quick portrait we need and then it leaves, allowing our minds to paint the rest of the evening. I'm wondering exactly how long this story is going to be. It definitely has the feel of a novella, maybe even a full on novel. I don't really see the point of such heavy emphasis on Janquell's father during the first paragraph. I mean, it's nice and all, and I guess it's cool to know, but it feels a little random and out of place, as if you just wanted us to know that and so you forced it into where it didn't belong. Find a smoother way. Robert's huge dialogue was a little too much for me. I mean, I got no problem with the length of it, but it just drags and is kinda boring. But maybe that's just me. I personally find everything boring about people like Robert: the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they dress, everything. This is a cool sentence: "She was so overwhelmed at the moment that she let it all take her, like some kind of illegal, designer drug." This is a very interesting story. It feels cliche and yet it feels so fresh. I mean, both characters seem to be stereotypes, and even the scenario is kind of a cliche: the middle-aged man going after the younger lady, trying to impress her with his wallet and intellect. BUT, I've never read or seen a movie with this familar plot where the young lady was a poor, uneducated black girl, and so that in itself makes the story feel original. Chapter three, here I come!
Gilee7 2006-07-23 ch 1,	abuseReviewing as I read ... [Robert Kennedy Fitzgerald asked a young black woman in a soft voice.] Wow, that's a very sophisticated name. I already have a picture of this dude inside my mind and I don't even know anything about him. I see him as a forty-year-old man in a business suit and tie and perhaps a briefcase, too. He's also pretty wealthy. Now I guess I'll have to read on and find out accurate I was. [Robert slid onto the bar stool and arranged his regular setting: cigarettes, coins, cash, cell phone.] The Four C's. [The bartender Jill, a Swedish looking woman, clinging remarkably to her sex appeal, nodded to Robert] Don't need that middle comma after "woman." [a fat juke box] Nice descriptive word choice with "fat." [moil of his mind] It seems you really enjoy alliteration. I've already noticed several examples of it just in the first few paragraphs. [onyx dark and shimmering like the inside of an oyster.] Wow, what a simile. [“My name is Robert. How are you tonight?” She stared ahead, wincing and playing a drag on her cigarette. “Alright. I'm Janquell.” Robert looked at her quickly, closely.] We know who's talking in both of these example just because they say "Hey, I'm so-and-so." But if it wasn't for that, we'd think it was the opposite person speaking. In my opinion, the "She stared ahead" line should not be on the same line as Robert's dialogue; that would usually mean that she was the one who had spoken. Same things goes for her dialogue with Robert's action coming directly after it. The whole exchange would work better if Robert's dialogue was on its own line, without the She action, which would be a line down, and directly preceding HER dialogue. Then skip another line for Robert's action. Sound confusing? Here's what I'm saying: '“My name is Robert. How are you tonight?” She stared ahead, wincing and playing a drag on her cigarette. “Alright. I'm Janquell.” Robert looked at her quickly, closely. There was no hint of flaw in her complexion . . .' [Her hair drew into a tough pony tail] Ponytail is one word. [It was her first time in any bar, because until tomorrow she was still 17 and underage.] Interesting. I was picturing her much older. [“I's thinking 'bout college.” she replied] What follows the dialogue is a dialogue tag, and so that period should be a comma. [“Oh, would you like another drink?” He asked.] Same thing goes here, only the question mark is fine (it would also be fine if it was an exclamation point, but it WOULDN'T be fine if it was a period). Anyways, since we once again have a dialogue tag, "He" should be capitalized. [“Can I?” to Robert this was a profound utterance,] To [“No”.] Period goes inside the quotation marks. [ My mom used to tell me on that day she cried tears of pain out of her left eye and tears of joy out her right."] This is a very cool piece of dialogue. ["Let's get some air." Robert suggested] Dialogue tag: see previous remarks. [Janquell approved of the full body view of Robert, he was tall, fit, clean, and more youthful than the twilight lines on his face.] That shouldn't be a period after "Robert" because what follows is a complete sentence. You'd be better off using either a semi-colon or a colon. [She felt herself breath] breathe I see I was mostly write about my original impression of Robert. It's amazing the image a name can slap upon a person. You did an excellent job naming him. This is a very adult story, and I don't mean adult as in adult entertainment. The story's just very sophisticated and mature. It's a story for grown-ups, and it's extremely rare to see something like this on Fictionpress, mostly because the majority of people on this site are pretty young. So it's refreshing to read from a new perspective. I enjoyed the dialogue. I thought you did a good job with Janquell's negroish accent (now I'm waiting for a black person to read this story and say you're degrading colored people and label you a racist). There are a few grammatical mistakes, but when isn't there? I talked about the whole position of the dialogue and narrative and how it could be confusing, and recommended a better lay-out. I noticed many more examples of that in the story that should definitely be fixed. I guess now it's on to the next chapter ...
Maria222985 2006-07-05 ch 1,	abuseThis was definately one of the more interesting pieces I read. I love the play of the characters against each other, the language, and the dialogue. Aside from a few mild comma errors (damn the commas), I wasn't able to find anything wrong.

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