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| Mary 2006-09-17 ch 1,  | I love it, the disciption of how they treated you is awesome. I'm sorry they didnt see that you deserved better than to be treated like that. Written very well. |
| nicholeviathan 2006-07-06 ch 1,  | Very nice! I love the ties you make-- the analogies between the poet and everyday objects. It makes her seem so ordinary and really adds to the effect. A few things : I'd suggest you cut as many "that"s as possible; they're unecessary and burden your rhythm. Also this: Please don't make me think that I am moreBecause I am moreBut if I believe that I am less I will not ask for more than I can get seemed a bit awkward. I understand what you mean, but it seemed so literal, especially after those convincing analogies that preceed it. I love the way you use the word "please"-- it makes her seem like she's tiptoeing around everyone, which adds to the insecurity that you've developped in this character. Nice piece! |