FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Stale.Cracker 2006-07-07 ch 1,  | abuseThat was pretty good, aside from a couple of grammar errors (minor ones, not terrible). A couple times it got a little vague, but I could still understand what you mean. It was really good! Keep writing! Please review back. |
| x Salem x 2006-07-07 ch 1, | abuseObviously, your problem is not sequencing, nor is it describing an event. You clearly have a sense of what to describe, and what to describe, you are just not doing it in the proper manner. SHOW, don't TELL. Take the first sentence, just as example. "My younger brother and sister ran circles around the car, excited at the prospect of staying up late." You would get the same point across if you wrote: My younger brother and sister ran circles around the car, chanting, "we get to stay up past nine! we get to stay up past nine!" Or something along those lines. Stories are monotonous and boring if you just TELL the reader and don't imagine part of it for them. |