|Reviews for The Promise of Maybe|
| Martin Peterson 7/7/06 . chapter 1
It started off OK and seemed quite promising, but the rhythem disappeared at the point of "In my state of mind / And maybe we could dance the salasa" and from that point it became quite difficult to read. To build up a rhythem like that and then descend into rhythemlessness is much worse than having no rhythem in the first place.
The poem seemed to ramble and it becomes very difficult to follow. I can see it's a good effort to say what you want to say, but it goes off on so many seemingly pointless tangents that I haven't clue what you're getting at.
I cringed when I read "It seems if pretty is as pretty does" - it's not a good idea to use common phrases like that unless there's a good reason to use them.
Also, "pain" and "heroine" don't rhyme.
I'm really sorry, but it's a poor piece. I can see you've tried, but I think you've tried too hard to get too much stuff in there. Get rid of the middle bit and rewrite it and it could work.