aww

that was absolutely

without a doubt

beautiful... i love

poems about the rain... ]

This is such a simple scene, a picture of tragedy, but it's so intense for being less than 200 words. I hope there's more.

marie

Whoa, wow. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that.

But don't let my reaction freak you out. This was terrific. Is there more on its way?

I think our back-and-forth reviews are slowly going to grow nastier and more critical. And you know what? It's going to be all your fault!

I'm creative? I dunno. I don't show others what I write while I'm stoned, and for good reason. Oh, and I went back and made some changes to Death of Optimus Prime and Reincarnation. I cut them up into a few stanzas each, which should hopefully help the rhythm a bit. I guess my poems are supposed to be a bit fragmented, but not to such an extent that it turns the reader off.

No excuses. If you have enough time to write out a 707 word story, you have the time to proof it. P

Anyway, on to this. The poem at the beginning was bad. The subject and images were great, but the language was boring. You could probably just cut it down to the last three lines, or make it some sort of haiku. In L2 of Act 1 you spell infinite "infinate." L5 was extremely corny, but do you expect from a story founded on a cliché? Though I do like L6's blunt follow-up. L7 is even cornier than L5. P

The ending was nice. Open-ended and a little mystical. The whole piece is like a cross between poetry and prose, and it suits the dream-like quality of the story. I like it, even if it was corny. Now you just need to bulk it up.

that is the saddest story i have heard all i believe so.

I am going to play cliche and say that was beautiful*tear*