|Reviews for Divine Corruption|
| The Ordained 7/12/06 . chapter 1
Ok, firstly- good job, nice work, and keep it up!As a reviewer ill try and not waste your time, and get to giving you some ways to improve your writingFirstly, watch your tense- 'Nature is doing all it can to cheer me up. Even the faint chirps of the springs WERE audible.' See how u switch from 'cheer me up' present tense to 'were audible' past tense, rather than 'are audible'. should read- sunny and warm day, a cool breeze; it seems like nature is doing all it can to cheer me up. Even the faint chirps of the spring birds are audible.
Secondly, your dialouge is cliche textbook. No one actually talks like that, except for cardboard cut outs. Of course, that road is heavily laden with thieves and bandits. You'd be lucky to lose everything you own, if they don't kill you!” the farmer exclaimed. “Thank you for your time sir, I'll be on my way then.” he replied“You don't have to do that, you could have asked for my protection.” all very forced..cardboard...
try and imagine u were that person in that situation...what exactly would YOU say...
good luck with the editing,Nathan