(cries) that was delightfully sad.. nicely written..

oh, the language is just so gorgeous and intoxicating, this is such a stormy love story, and I love it. the words just kind of run through wonderfully.

T_T this is just amazing! the ryhtum you maintained and the feeling flying at the reader...i love it. well done!

While not being the most structured of poems, it's very vivid, and for that I salute you.

i don't know what to say. you did superbly. my only consolation for such like times is that we can turn them into these kinds of words, into this art.

mezzie

Interesting first line, but you do nothing with it. You repeat yourself (but with an abstract "he") in the second line, then ramble about meaningless nonsense that you thought sounded cool for the rest of the stanza ("wayward spine"? "curving between the sun and the rise of his smile"?).

Second stanza is throwaway, starting with a cliche & ending with one.

S3L1- bad line break. "slither" is not a noun. If you meant "sliver", proof your damn work; if not, this is poorly written. "sliver of doubt" is a cliche, if that is how it's meant. Remove "optimistic", it does nothing to modify finger.

S4- entirely, massively cliched. Toss.

"he" the storm, "she" your mother? This is vague. The last two lines are bad.

Anyways, further on you have a bunch of bad line breaks (the one word lines, none of which bear enough weight to warrant their status), more cliches, meaningless digressions, abstraction, etc.

This is such a beautiful poem! My favourite line: "I could write volumeswith the tip of my tongue"Loved it, keep it up!

You are a master of images. I bow down to you.

"coiled around my fingers" - the verb use makes this a vivid picture, love it

"drip drop jolts" - I love the sound of this

"curving between the sun and the rise of his smile" - another incredible image

"I could write volumes/with the tip of my tongue" - sexy, but subtle

"winking and wailing" - more fantastic verb use

"till death do us part,/nursing the broken heart." - this seems a little cliche to me

"she still sing of rain" - should that be "sings"?

"he rumbles" - love that verb

"splintered speech" - fantastic alliteration

"that I can tell that she wants to get rid of" - this is awkward...I'd get rid of the second "that"

"still she shifts and smooth the flowers" - "smoothes" perhaps?

"slippery serpentine" - more great alliteration

"while below/lightning crashes/and the heaven sings above." - for some reason, I don't like this ending. it seems overdramatic and cliche to me

Overall, you are a very good writer and you use images and rhythm well. I just saw a few times where the images seemed a little cliche. Not gonna stop me from favoriting you, though! Keep writing! :)

i don't care about anything else; the imagery was perfect. absolutely beautiful.

~kait

I'm glad you've started updating again. There were so many exquisite lines in this, 'soup stained against her lap', this image is so vivid in my mind, 'breeze blows while the candles leap to thunderous approval' very interesting mix. Loved it all, continue writing.

he smells like aftermath - i love that line. classic angst - nice work.

Beautiful as usual. Your style is distinctive and very effective.

Simply beautiful. I don't even know what else to say.

♥Christine

i liked this piece alright, it wasn't your best, but i think you should really elaborate more on the characters. it could almost be a boy leaving his girl, or leaving his mother! (the dishes part maybe, or 'mother's optimistic finger') it was very interesting though.

welcome back. ♥ :D ~*

this is just beautiful. it's like a story in my mind, so vivid and complete.