|Reviews for Tsubasa Reverse|
| Lord of the Trees 12/3/06 . chapter 13
This is great. Good for building up the intensity of the plot. I can't wait to see the next chapter!
| JJSLAM2129 12/2/06 . chapter 13
Oh my God, I thought you died since you hadn't update. Great to see you're alive and well. Loved the chapter. A few notes:
-Towards the end, it was a tad confusing. You switched between he and she for Noir's sister, Blanc. Since Blanc is a /sister/, shouldn't you be using she? For instance: "He [She] clasped his [her] helm identical to what Noir wore, and with his two hands lifted the steel from his [her] head." Am I right? Then again, maybe the gender is supposed to be misleading, as Noir's was.
- At the very end [and I don't know if you intended this], I like how you mentioned that Blanc's horn glowed 'ruddy against the light of God'. I just got this feeling of not-so-niceness from her right then.
-Gr, I hate you "Goodwife Ana"! Poor Noir... Though, it does add a touch of humanity to Noir that she doesn't always know or succeed in everything. Good idea for a season opener, a new side to Noir, plus the fact that she had a sister she never mentioned.
-“They’ve like as not seen us before we even entered the Vale,” ... what? They have like as not seen...Woah, confusion.
-Such a risque outfit for Noir? Oh, well. I suppose every woman has to have that little black dress... even if it's leather... with a slit down the center... dominatrix theme?
-Isrillath, Isril, children of Isril. Reminds me of Israel, and the fact that they're fighting with another radical religious group only adds to my comparison. Yay for real world parallels!
Ugh. Please don't ever scare me like that again! I thought you left... Anywho, great job again!
Need I say it? Okay, nevermind, I will. Update soon! ( :: )
| Maiya 12/2/06 . chapter 5
The words, "Silberkreuz" and others...if I'm not mistaken, they are German, right? I like the fact that you used both foreign and original words as a part of the story. Also, I like the tone you used with these words...it is as if these words area a part of an ordinary person's everyday language. It certainly is an effective way to bring the reader further into the story, until he/she becomes a part of the Tsubasa world.
I must say, I think I've taken a liking to Fanella. I picture her as a really cute little girl, pointy-ears and everything. I can see that she is also intelligent, which makes her even cuter and adorable.
A girl carrying a ring twice her height? At this rate, I might have been a part of those people who got their tongues cut off, haha.
Aoi Luinhill is certainly someone one might have thought to despise at first glance, but then again, fate has never been good to him, hasn't it?
The last sentence, "And a Judge... he might have to use that.", might have been a bit ambiguous to me...maybe you could change it to something like...
'And a judge...' (This is Aoi's thought)
Well, if that's the case, he might have to use that. (With 'that' italicized, of course)
I dunno, perhaps it's just me being obsessive-compulsive, but I think that would give the ending of the chapter more impact.
As expected, another really good chapter. Looking forward to the next one!
| Lyharii 11/26/06 . chapter 1
Hi, okay, wow. I'm finally reviewing your story. XD Yeah, I know, it took me long enough. Um… It's 5:28 AM right now and I'm awesomely sick and I should really be doing any of a gazillion assignments, so I probably missed some stuff I might have wanted to comment on. Oh, and did I mention I have the attention span of a goldfish? …Yeah. Anyway, this will be really nitpicky (and in a random sort of sleep-deprived way), so brace yourself! (Btw, this is kinda long—13 pages in Word—so I dunno if FicPress will cut it off someplace or what. We shall see.)
Paragraphs. Hmm. Some were kinda long, but not too many. Only… two? Ish? That I noticed, anyway. And that had good breaks IN them. The one describing the East Gate Atrium was kinda long… and I mention another long-ish one (and possible break) somewhere down here.
"…thrum-thrum-thrum-THrum… boom-boom-BOOM…" This kind of bothers me. It's not just that it's in bold (which bothers me in terms of formatting conventions), but also the strange capitalization of TH there, and… well, just the capitalization in general. XD You know? And the punctuation-less-ness. And the centralization. Augh! Anyway… maybe it fits your anime-type theme. I don't know…? But for a piece of writing, I would prefer that you explain or describe the sounds instead. It just feels more… well… reader-friendly. Because it's personally kind of hard for me to make noises via my larynx that properly imitate booming noises and/or trumpets. But anyway.
"There were screams." Yup. Okay. Err… passive-sounding. Passive sentence structure, maybe? (I never really understood that, except for the more explicit examples.) But yeah—I think you could definitely state this more excitingly. Something that conveys the panic more, like "Screams split the air." (Though that one borders on cliché-ness.) You could say that this sort of structure was meant as a slow intro, to help you build up to the climax as the battle draws near and then begins at last… but I wouldn't actually buy that. I don't think you meant for it to be so apathetic at the beginning.
"…children playing sticks and stones…" Well, you said "children" someplace really close nearby (the previous sentence, to be precise). So… maybe you could use a different word here. "Little boys"? "Toddlers"? I don't know.
"…should have been suffocating, but it was not." You could consider a paragraph break at the beginning of this sentence. (Yup, this is the one I was talking about. Though now that I look back, that paragraph wasn't all that long.)
"Torches and lamps were blown out for fear of being used to set fire…" I think this is sort of passive-tense-y, too. And ambiguous. Because I wonder, are you saying the torches and lamps had been blown out, or are you saying that they're being blown out right now? Hmm. You could try changing this to "The citizens of Felimgrad had blown out their torches and lamps," and then change the later use of "the citizens of Felimgrad" to "the people" or something. I don't really like that, though. One other thing before I make revision suggestions: the second half of this sentence bothers me, because what it refers to is a little vague. It sounds almost as if the torches and lamps are afraid of being used to set fire. And "used to set fire" itself is a little off-sounding—used to set fire to what?
Suggestions: "The citizens of Felimgrad had blown out their torches and lamps for fear that they would be used to set fire to the houses…" And while I'm at it, I might change the ensuing semicolon to a dash. I don't really like this, though, because it creates MORE ambiguity: is it saying that the citizens are afraid THEY'D be used to set fire to the houses? -_-
Or maybe, "Torches and lamps had been blown out…" Eh. I'm not so sure that that really fixes the passive thing I complained about, but… yeah.
"Talk pervaded the atmosphere…" Well, maybe this is just me, but "talk" sounds way too calm, too normal. Sure, I bet the place is really noisy… but maybe you could use a better noun here. Something more descriptive, vivid, involved. "Hundreds of voices"? Maybe even just plain old "chaos"?
"…the City of Felimgrad…" I believe "city" shouldn't be capitalized. Else it sort of implies that Felimgrad is a country and the City is a city in it.
"There were moans, nervous laughter, there were babes crying, of mothers explaining to their children…" Confused list here. I think you started some parallel structure and then it ditched you and ran off someplace. Maybe you were trying to convey the confusion in your syntax, but if so I am unhappy with your methods. ;_; Be better to rephrase to something like "There were moans, nervous laughs, cries of babes, mothers' soothing voices as they explained to their children…" (_ But I guess that's really a stylistic thing, I guess.
"…and yet there was no victorious army…" This could just be me, but I feel like your "yet" there wants to serve two purposes. It was to fill the role of "still" and it also wants to fill the role of "even then (aka but)." I would put "still" in there to alleviate that duality… maybe insert it after "was."
"… had already dispatched its own army, the Cruzada, led by the Judges, to break the stalemate, but it was for nothing. Still the Alliance advanced down to the last of the cities of Harmonia: Felimgrad—the capital city, seat of the Demeter Throne—like an unstoppable swarm of locusts…" So… the Conclave is like some neutral all-powerful world-ruling force? Why even bother with countries? Kind of like kids playing at war games on the computer, only this is real. :/ In other news, kinda a lot of commas you have there. You could compact this more, e.g. "had already dispatched its own Judge-led army, the Cruzada, to break…" Also, the way you say "it was for nothing," it seems to me that you could be talking about the breaking of the stalemate (i.e. the breaking of the stalemate was for nothing), not just the dispatching of the Cruzada. So kind of ambiguous there.
Besides this, "cities" would indicate more than one, but you only list Harmonia. So "city," then. And your colon and dash throw things off, because after the dash interruptions you are saying that "Felimgrad [was] like an unstoppable swarm of locusts." You know what I mean? So try something more like this: "…to the last city of Harmonia—Felimgrad, the capital city and seat of the Demeter Throne—like an unstoppable swarm…"
"…soldiers in mail and sword and spear…" Right. They're inside their swords and spears. T_T I know what you meant, but still… try to phrase it so there's no weirdness involved. Maybe say "with" instead of "in." Or maybe "outfitted in." You know, something to that effect.
"…holding their standard on their shields and banners…" Standard… as in military colors? (I had to look this one up because I was really sure that "standard" only applied to banners.) Err… anyway, though, I hope it isn't the flag type. Else that could be kinda inconvenient. And by the way, since there are so many of them and they're the Alliance (i.e. many diff nations there), then wouldn't it be standardS (plural)?
"…warhorses in grim armor as their masters…" Sounds like you're saying that the warhorses are their masters. Think you meant to phrase this as "warhorses in armor as grim as that of their masters."
"…riders…" Right, we got those already. You already mentioned the mounted knights and whatnot. Or are these different riders?
"…behemoths that goaded the insect-like footmen around them…" I question your metaphor here. It makes it sound like the advancing Alliance armies are subject to the siege towers and catapults. But since you're writing this from the POV of the besieged, I'd think you would use a different comparison, like one that involves swarms ALL out to get you, instead of one that makes it seem like the poor insects are fleeing towards you for fear of the behemoths.
"…the gloomy visage of the Deimos, the half-human half-monster abominations that possessed forbidden magic—and who were responsible…" I think "who" might want to be "that" instead. Since you used "that" before. And by the way, since the Deimos are multiple things ("abominations," plural), I'd think they'd have "gloomy visages" instead of A "gloomy visage."
"…the Alliance advance…" Think this was supposed to be "the Alliance's advance."
"…shouted the clear, strong note…" The commander's… "note"? Eh, dunno, sounds weird. I'd be happier with just plain old "voice."
"…Around him on the battlements, soldiers ignited the loads on the defending trebuchets…" Are the trebuchets ON the battlements? Are there room for them there? O_o I think, as far as I've seen, that trebuchets are usually on the ground inside the walls. But then again I'm not exactly a medieval weapons expert. XD
"The archers drew arrows and notched them on their bows, lined up all along the wall and others hidden inside it." Are the archers lined up all along the wall, or are their bows lined up along the wall? Unclear. Or, come to think of it, are you saying that the archers notched the bows and THEN went and lined up? By the way, I think "notched" should be "nocked." Since I think you meant the first option I listed (the archers were lined up), I'll suggest ways to make this clearer: "The archers, some lined up all along the wall and others hidden inside it, drew arrows and nocked them on their bows."
"The sky was still darkening." Personally, since this doesn't really fit with the military preparations going on in the sentence right before, I'd suggest making this a new paragraph. Maybe even one all by itself, to emphasize the ominous yummies it implies.
"Harom…" I'll just pick on one more onomatopoeia thing. I think this might have been better with an exclamation mark? Maybe? Since it was trumpets?
"…all of them knew that it was a hopeless battle. Even then, the Alliance's battering rams were set…" Okay, so "even then" as in "it was a hopeless battle, the besieged folks knew it, and this is why"? Or as in "even though it was a definite victory for the Alliance and they knew it, but were still coming anyway"? Or, possibly, in the sense of "even as this was happening the Alliance was coming"? Yeah, you get the picture.
I think what you meant to say was that it was a hopeless battle, the folks knew it, and it was BECAUSE the Alliance stuff was all ready to go. So maybe saying "The Alliance's battering rams were already set, the scaling ladders unfolded, the siege towers loaded with men" would fix it.
"The catapults finally reached firing distance, wedged onto the soft, yielding earth thankfully without any snow, and lit up with fire, the boulders’ net covering instantly catching." The catapults belong to the Alliance, if I'm not mistaken. So I don't see why it'd be "thankful"? And by the way, "thankfully without any snow" almost sounds as if it could refer to the catapults rather than the ground (could fix this fine by just taking the snow bit out altogether). Also, did you mean "wedged" as a verb or an adjective? (I think verb.) I don't have excessive complaints about that, actually, since I can figure it out without too much stress. In closing, though, I think "covering" should be plural.
"Below, on the East Gate itself... as they went on towards the formation on the East Gate…" Is the formation ON the gate? I thought it was sort of in front of it. Or maybe behind it. But ON it… sounds like they're up top, and I don't think that's where they are?
"…entire battalions of Harmonian defenders braced… Others clasped the flowers… knowing that it would be their greatest and most heroic accomplishment yet—to die for their country—while some tested the balance of their swords,twirling…" These "others" are separate from the "entire battalions"? Who are they, then? Because the "entire battalions" kind of sounded to me like they included pretty much everyone. But maybe that's just my severely lacking military knowledge. The dashes are kind of awkwardly placed, too, in the sense that the second serves as both dash and comma. I'd try compacting some, maybe along the lines of "…knowing that dying for their country would be their greatest…" Because you know, otherwise some people might think it's saying that it's awfully heroic to die while people are twirling their swords.
In the spirit of super-nitpickiness, I will also say that "knowing that" conveys less action, so I'd actually suggest changing it to "thinking of how" to make it more relative to your other folks who're "testing" and "bracing" and whatnot. Well, actually, they kind of have their action with the "clasping." Meh. Another thing: The "it" in "it would be their greatest…" is kinda vague. "This" would be more specific, methinks, especially since the way you've got it now the "it" only shows up AFTERwards. Okay, one last thing… need a space after the comma following "swords."
"Their commanders shouted at them, giving them encouragement for their deaths ahead, as they answered with determined voices…" Wow, what uplifting encouragement there. Return of the King, anyone? XD Well, by saying "as" you're implying that these happen at the same time. So even as the commanders shout encouragement the men are answering them. Not really possible, you know what I mean? Maybe "and" would work better there.
"…whispered to his lieutenant…" So they're riding in the midst of this chaos (remember, commanders are yelling)… and he's whispering. How on earth can she hear him?
"The Knight Commander wore red-and-gold plate with his joints exposed for mobility, a flaring red cloak on his shoulders embroidered with the seal of the Royal Panzers, while his horse was barded…" Kind of sounded like you were about to list the stuff the K.C. (hah, my initials) was wearing, but then you sort of forgot to finish it off. "He was wearing plate… and a cloak… yeah. Oh, and now his horse! XD" Right, um… unless you meant to talk about the cloak sort of separately. But I wasn't so sure about that. It's a secondary impression, which means it's usually not as cool. I'd suggest taking out the comma after "mobility" and using "and" in that gap there.
"This made him more agile than a fully-armored knight, but more exposed and vulnerable." …Right. This sentence sounded kind of self-evident, to me at least. And a little irrelevant, since it doesn't come into play later.
"Her silver-helmed head... her braided golden hair…" Kind of came across to me that the helmet was more or less full. So then her hair wouldn't be seen? Unless it was coming out from underneath? Were you talking about just the braid? Because it felt like you'd forgotten about the helmet there.
"He smiled, and reached over and patted her on the shoulder. She smiled and clasped her commander’s arm." Yeah, "he smiled," "she smiled." It feels a little redundant-ish. Meh. She smiled in return? She grinned back? I don't know. Something to distinguish the smiling.
"…that the coward fears and runs, but the brave man fears but meets it." But but! Double buts are ew. Some options here: (1) Change the first "but" to "while." If you do this, to avoid pseudo-redundancy you should change the "once in a while" that comes before this to something like "now and then" or whatever. (2) Change the second but to "and still." You could even do just plain "and," though that wouldn't indicate the same contrast.
"He withdrew his hand and heaved…" He heaved. Er… I think you meant to say he "heaved a sigh."
"We have scraped all the able-bodied men…" Sounds like she's saying she went through town and gave every able-bodied man a scrape.
"…nothing more than just pardoned brigands…" Saying "nothing more than" AND "just" kind of feels redundant. Take one out?
"Do you… pardon me my lord, but…" Small detail, but since she's beginning a new sentence there, "pardon" should be capitalized.
"…with sympathy and mirth in his eyes…" He's awful jovial for a guy about to die, isn't he? ;)
"Before she could stammer a reply…" Well, reply maybe to his look, I guess. But else she'd really be, verbally speaking, replying to herself. Maybe "stammer an amendment"?
"…do you really believe in his ideals? …not whether I believe him or not…" Believing in his ideals isn't necessarily the same as believing him.
"…noise of the preparations of the defense enveloped them both before he continued…" I thought the prep was going on this whole time…? And if so shouldn't it have been enveloping them all this time? I think you meant that during the period of his silence, the noise enveloped them. But it kind of sounds like it hadn't yet, and he stopped and it did, and then it continued on… so it was almost like a prerequisite to the rest of his dialogue. O_o Maybe you should specify that the "noise…enveloped them both momentarily before he continued." One other thing: double "of" alert. Try to avoid that as much as possible because it can get confusing fast. "Noise of the defense preparations" would probably work fine, right?
"…whether I believe him or not, Kera... We will honor it, Kera." Saying her name at the end of his statements twice like that in one dialogue piece is kind of weird to me. Maybe it's his mannerism, and if that's the way you wanted it then it's fine, but otherwise it feels odd. Who else could he be talking to? No one, really, at this point, because they're not at the gate convo with the blond dude yet.
"…the side of the neck of her horse…" "Of" alert again. Try "the side of her horse's neck."
"Her captain was right, even though he had evaded the question." His being right isn't really related to him evading the question. What I mean is she's saying he's right, but his being right has nothing to do with her question. His answer to her question is nonexistent, so it can therefore not possibly be right. I think it's more accurate to say that he's right AND he evaded the question. You know what I mean? Maybe something like "He hadn't answered the question, but what he HAD said was right" is a slight improvement.
"Her feelings against the King were unimportant…" Whoa! She has feelings against the King! That kinda came out of the blue. And by the way, you didn't capitalize "king" on its own like this before. Probably want to un-capitalize it now.
"…they all had sworn an oath…" Who's "they"?
"…in the sights of God and men…" Hmm, sounds awkwardish. I'd be happier if you said "in the sight of God and man."
"She had always loved the man…" This might just be me, but I'd be happier if you said "loved him." More precise.
"…the Knight Code and the royalty be damned…" She's a knight too? Huh. Thought she was just a lieutenant.
"…it would degrade her in his sight, and it was one thing she wouldn’t allow to happen…" Think "it was" should be "that was."
"…hoping that one day the Knight Commander would notice that she was a woman as well…" This implies that the Knight Commander is a woman. (It's that darn "as well.")
"…the clouds would only get murky and dim…" Sounds like clouds normally give off light. They don't, do they?
"But now, even she could feel that there was something evil afoot—there was something wrong, and everybody could sense it." Sounds like you're implying that Kera is normally not very sensitive (wouldn't make much conventional sense seeing as she's a half-Elf). Well, after you've said "even she" it sort of implies that everyone else can sense it too. So saying "everybody could sense it" is kinda redundant. If you fix the first thing I pointed out, though, it should be okay to leave that second thing alone.
"…not even knowing what it was she was agreeing to…" Really? She doesn't know? O_o Sounds like she's been off in dream-land. I mean… hello, war preparations. The enemy's coming? Huh. And "not even knowing" kind of almost implies that she's just dropped in on the conversation and is jumping in blindly. I'd suggest something more explicit like "though she wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about."
"…during peacetime, where merchants would line along…" Line along what? And "peacetime" is a time, not a place. So maybe "when" instead of "where."
"Sighing wistfully, her eyes explored the magnificent facades of buildings…" You're saying that her eyes are sighing wistfully. And also might want to add in the little weirdo ç thing for "façade." AND should probably add "the" after "of."
"…only to be rescued by the man she came to love, all the while the kaleidoscope of colors standing mute and merciless…" Well, "only to be" almost sounded like another misfortune befell her. But I get where you went with that, so it's okay. And huh… I didn't know it was so colorful there. But the way you say "kaleidoscope of colors" makes me think you mentioned it sometime before. I also was slightly unhappy with the rambling end of this, with the "all the while," but… I guess it fits the mood.
"Now what beauty the area had was gone and were instead crammed with grim soldiers, nervous archers and crossbowmen perched atop roofs, window eaves…" I was under the impression that it was pretty darn beautiful, actually. But when you say "what beauty the area had," you imply that it didn't have all that much. Besides that, "were" should be "was." Except that if you do that you're saying that the beauty was crammed with grim soldiers. So maybe, "…was gone; instead, it was crammed…" Another thing: sounds like everyone's perched on the roofs. Including the grim soldiers. When I think you meant to say that the archers and crossbowmen only were up there. One more thing: "window eaves"? Kinda precarious, I'd think. I mean, probably gonna break off under the archer's weight and make him break his neck.
"…flags lying limp and lifeless…" Think you mentioned something awfully similar to this at the beginning. "Banners and flags were limp," you said. So… eh… not sure if you want to do it again. But if you do, then "lying" sounds like they were on the ground, but then you said they were being carried… so maybe "hanging" instead?
"…ashen carriers…" I think you meant to say that the carriers were pale with FEAR. (Mwahaha.) But sounds almost like the adj here could apply to an inanimate object, like… oh, I don't know. A carrier of ash. -_-
"…the inner city walls where they were now exiting…" Think "walls" should be singular here.
"This was what the Knight Commander and Kera found…" POV switch. When you started out general, I thought "funnel effect" and figured you were going down to specific characters (K.C. & Kera), then specific character (Kera), then make stuff happen thru them. But then you sort of broadened out again. :( Not sure if I like it.
"…now littered with refuse in the chaos earlier where the soldiers had evacuated the civilians to the Labyrinth, an underground network that led to the port town of Mannsted, where ships awaited them at the harbors that could ferry them to the allied island nation of Salamea, still blessedly untouched by the carnage…" I'd be happier if "where the soldiers" was "when the soldiers" instead, since it refers to "the chaos" as a time period. Also, you then get into this huge layer complex. It gets confusing. You talk about the Labyrinth, then talk about what it is, which leads you to Mannsted, so you can talk about what that is, and it in turn leads to Salamea, which leads you to explain what THAT is… you know. GAH. x_x Try to separate it a little? Please?
"It had once aided in this most brutal Winter War yet, but their vaunted navy had been decimated when the Alliance unleashed their ultimate weapons but were still safer compared to the imminent destruction of Felimgrad." The "yet" is weird. Kind of contradictory even. It'd imply that Salamea (btw, not too clear that this is the "it" you speak of) HADN'T helped yet in the war. Or that it had yet to help. OR were you saying that this was the most brutal Winter War so far? So… confusion. Yeah. And also, you pretty much lose me after this. I think it was something along the lines of "Salamea's vaunted navy had been decimated when the Alliance unleashed ITS ultimate weapons, but it was still safer…" And I'm not sure I'm too happy when you compare a location to an event (comparing Salamea to the destruction of Felimgrad). But that's up to you.
"…said a soldier who bowed before them…" Sounds like this soldier's life and characteristics and personality are all dominated and defined by the fact that he bows before them. As if he bows before them all the time. Maybe "said a soldier, bowing before them."
"…noting three others behind the man, one of them garbed strangely... The soldier turned around and motioned for his other comrades. At once the men-at-arms in full battle gear started forward, a man in soiled black cloak covering his entire body leading between them." The way you intro the "three others" implies that they're all messengers, sort of. So then when you say he motioned for his other comrades, it's like… "Who?" You know, a little confusing, maybe. Though I guess I could draw inferences from the whole "garbed strangely" deal (and I did). And you know, jumping refs can throw some people off, so say here when you're jumping from "his other comrades" to "the men-at-arms in full battle gear," it doesn't necessarily click immediately. Perhaps.
I also am not too happy with the "a man in soiled black cloak…" part. Better, maybe, to say "a man in a soiled black cloak that covered…" And… huh. "Leading." A little odd there… unless they were poking him from behind? Or were you trying to imply his charisma, for characterization's sake?
"His long blond hair fell too neatly around him while his eyes, grey as smoke, held the Knight Commander’s gaze…" Sounds as if the fact that his hair is falling too neatly is related to his grey eyes. Or, perhaps, that his hair falling is an ongoing action, something occurring at the same time that his eyes hold the K.C.'s.
"…his face, clear and as delicate as a maiden…" His face is like a maiden…? More like his face is like a maiden's, or like that of a maiden.
"…the soldier from before…" Vague.
"His eyes now bore into the Knight Commander’s soul." "Bore" sounds better to me as "bored."
"Kera shifted on her saddle as her mount swayed…" Actually, it'd be better if her mount shifted and Kera swayed. Otherwise sounds like her mount is about to collapse from exhaustion or something. Horses are pretty steady, after all.
"She could already hear sparks flying across them as they stared into one another as if they were dueling with their blades…" She can "hear" sparks? I'd think she could see 'em more than hear 'em. And I think "across them" would be better as "between them." And… when people duel with blades, they hold staring contests? Sounds kinda dangerous, if you know what I mean. Consider revising that simile. Also… WHY are sparks flying between them? Why is there a contest of wills? It's not as if the blond dude is trying to overpower the K.C. or win some argument. He's just delivering info.
"…looking uncertainly at her master. Their destriers were clearly uncomfortable with this, snorting." Whoa, "master"? Sounds a lot like she's a slave now. Or are you doing that on purpose to refer back to her slave days? And anyway, even if you do use "master" here, you use it right after (and again afterwards). So check for redundancy, maybe. AND lastly, it sounds like the horses are uncomfy with her looking at her master. Hmm.
"Blades were drawn with curses and the two behind the man…" Passive tense there. And I'm not too sure why the soldiers reacted that way. He was trying to help, after all.
"“You have such a gall to command us?” Kera hotly interrupted. She wouldn’t brook any slight on her master, least of all from a vagabond, or worse, an assassin." I think the dialogue conveys the "hotly" part well enough, so it's almost redundant. And actually I have trouble related "vagabond" to "assassin." As in I'm not too sure which is worse, really. Because you could probably argue that assassins could be more cultured than vagabonds… eh… Maybe this is some sort of cultural issue.
"…the main said…" Typo: "main" - "man."
"…silenced further when he continued…" How can she be "silenced further"? Or are you talking about the extent of her speechlessness/shock?
"“My lord, I beg your leave to lop the head off this beggar,” the soldier who introduced him asked the Knight Commander... The Knight Commander just gazed at him." "Lop off" struck me as too colloquial for your story's setting. Informal, anyway, and probably too much so for a convo with the K.C., I'd think. Also think that "who introduced him" should be "who had introduced him," because it was an action that occurred a while ago, BEFORE this past tense. "Him" there is a little vague, and it's also vague in the second sentence: who is the K.C. gazing at, really?
"General, I don’t have anything to say…" Sure, except that he goes on and talks A LOT. So he really DID have something to say.
"Harmonia will not survive the attack... but Harmonia will survive if you hear what it was that I have come here for…" Contradictory. I think you meant "Felimgrad" the first time. Tenses at the end are weird too. Try something more even, like "if you hear what I came here to say." (Don't need to say "what I came here for" because that sounds like he hasn't told them yet, and he has. They know it was a verbal message.)
"A scream, high-pitched, frightened and despairing from the topmost towers punctuated the statement. “DEIMOS! The Deimos are COMING!”" Caps like this bothers me in general, but if you like it, then sure. Personally I don't agree with the emphasis on "coming," and I think that you could convey the emphasis just as fine with italics (i.e. don't italicize the whole thing). Also, the lack of a comma after "despairing" kind of messes with the way this sentence can be read. Better to put in that comma (I don't really like that option) or to say something like "A scream—high-pitched, frightened, and despairing—came from the topmost towers and punctuated the statement."
"…soldiers rushed to their positions, archers from the rooftops trained their bows on the sky, sweating and shaking, while still more others made…" Aren't they all soldiers, technically? Maybe it should be "archers ON the rooftops." Hmm. I kinda also thought that they were already in position. (Something about formation, I think.) This list also begins with an "as." This is what everyone's doing as Kera's head goes up (yep, at the same moment—she snaps her head up real slow). So as a result, the "while" part doesn't make sense—it's like you've forgotten about poor Kera. Try "and" instead.
"…of knowledge that this was one battle they couldn’t shy away from, and would die in their futile attempt…" Kind of messy. As if the battle would die in its futile attempt. Try "…away from, that they would die…"
"They knew, Kera thought, mortified, like all of them knew." Um… yeah? Are these different "theys"? Cuz I thought they were the same.
"As the commotion erupted around them…" It erupted a while ago, actually (see previous paragraph).
"And finally, a wind blew. Black specks on the sky…" I thought you meant "and finally" as in lastly, the wind blew. But you actually meant, I decided, that at long last a wind was blowing. Since that took me a while to figure out, I think you should try something more like "And, finally, a wind blew." Now, about the black specks… Huh. I think they'd be *in* the sky, actually, not on it. Small detail, though, just like everything else.
"“…do you really believe this man?” Kera said disbelievingly…" I think that her dialogue explains the "disbelievingly" part just fine.
"…befell this city…." Ominous, and I like it. But in other news, you put an extra dot there on that ellipse at the end.
"…the boy will survive, but the Princess must be safeguarded." I have trouble connecting the boy's survival to the Princess's need to be safeguarded. Do you mean that even though the boy's still gonna be around her, she still needs protection? Because at first I thought you'd meant to say that the boy wouldn't survive, but the Princess WOULD and so needed safeguarding. Anyway, maybe to clarify you should try putting "still" in there after "must."
"There were cries as the arrows were loosed in the air. There were clinks of metal as the footmen backed a pace, their necks aimed at the sky…" The arrows of the besieged guys' soldiers? Cuz the fact that they "cried" seems to indicate that they were getting arrow rain on this side. Also… "backed a pace." Hmm. I think you meant "backed UP a pace." Also, "necks aimed at the sky"? Sounds weird. O_o Bows, you meant? Maybe?
"The Deimos was almost on them, and there was no time." There was no time a long time ago, actually. It's possible that that statement is unnecessary, too—I mean, the Deimos are almost upon them, for heaven's sakes. Anyway, though, The Deimos are plural thingies… So the Deimos *were* almost upon them, not "was."
"…the Last Siege had begun." Wow, it has a name—and in capital letters!—from the moment it begins! They really planned for this one. (My point is… maybe you shouldn't capitalize it. Yet.)
"“My lord, we have to go!” Kera yelled, spurring her horse forward and drawing her two-handed sword from the sheath on her horse’s saddlebag. When the Knight Commander did not move she muttered a curse and galloped…" She's yelling that, spurring her horse forward, and taking out her sword all at once. Well… actually, I can sort of imagine that. Just takes some work. x_x I guess what sticks out to me here is that she's spurring her horse forward, so that implies that she's off and away… but she apparently isn't until she sees that the K.C. doesn't respond. Not that big a deal, though, really. Anyway, saddlebags… in battle? I wouldn't think they'd bother with that. They're more of trail-rides-or-long-journeys types of things. You know. For stashing stuff (like candy).
"The stranger undid the cloak on him…" I'd feel better if you said "The stranger undid his cloak."
"…my lord Caladvor Zethia… ¶ The Knight Commander’s jaw dropped." So was he dropping his jaw because the guy said his name? Well, the guy said Kera's name earlier and his jaw didn't drop then… Or was he dropping his jaw because he saw what the dude was? Because if so, then his reaction was kinda slow, no offense or anything. Oh, and you forgot the end quotes for the blond dude's dialogue there (right after Zethia).
"The visitor’s grey eyes held him fast, like icicles that spoke both of sorrow and pain." So… when grey eyes hold you fast, they are like icicles. I get that icicles freeze things… but this sounded a little strange to me. And then again, icicles can speak of sorrow and pain? I didn't know they were capable of speech. …Yeah, might want to consider modifying this simile some.
"… to keep the promise I had made." Extra space there after the ellipsis. I dunno. Ending with the past perfect here undermines the strength of your conclusion. I suggest just plain old "the promise I made."
Other stuff I liked:
"…dominated by a large obelisk made of crystal at the very center…" Cool. I wonder if it was used for any particular purpose (the obelisk, I mean).
“Because… because I was here when it happened.” Ooh. Nice line. It really caught my attention, made me curious about this dude's curse, and struck me as very poignant and stuff.
Okay, long review (cows alive, it took an age to write). Hope it helps, sort of. _ And good luck! I shall return! Mwahahaha.
| Lord of the Trees 11/21/06 . chapter 12
Wow... That's all I can say. This...story...is...PERFECT. I have very rarely seen such a perfect balance of action, character development and plot in a Fictionpress story. When you finish this, it will be god like. However, a warning; DO NOT RUSH THIS. I've read way too many good stories ruined by the author's impatience. Right now, you are going along perfectly, so keep up the EXCELLENT work.
| criti-sized 11/17/06 . chapter 12
Very nice chapter. The fight scene was nice and descriptive, though long. I didn't mind it at all, it was good to see you didn't rush that along and it didn't come out as though you robbed your readers.
The dialogue of the characters was very good and interesting as usual.
| Kristina Suko 11/15/06 . chapter 12
You've described the actions of the characters too much in the fight. I had the feeling that their fight lasted forever, instead of a measly two minutes. It was almost as if they were fighting under water, and all of their movements were slowed down to see every single aspect of the fight. I had to drag myself through it. If you're writing about an action filled fight, it's better to write briefly and choose words that will say five things in one word. It shouldn't take the reader ten minutes to read about a two minute fight. And because of your over descriptiveness, I couldn't get a clear picture of the fight, because my attention was snagged in a million different places to see the shine on the third link of the chain and the whisper of a feather in the ten foot tall wings instead of seeing that Seles was shoving Fyreon back with the power of the mere wind of his sword.
As usual, your dialogue is excellent.
It seems a bit weak of Fyreon to cry in the end of the chapter. It is out of character for him... at least what I have seen of him. I dunno. He's your character.
| Kristina Suko 11/15/06 . chapter 11
That was all like a bad dream. In a good way. It was terribly confusing, and I don't quite understand it, but hopefully it'll make more sense in the next chapter. I think it was a little too jumbled, but the description and the explosive flashes of time were pretty good. So, he's dead? Or... something. I dunno, it confused me, but um. Yeah. Don't explain it to me... I'll figure it out. Maybe.
The flashes didn't seem like they were in order of time, and that made it more confusing.
huh. Annywho, on to the next chapter!
| anti-climax 11/8/06 . chapter 12
good fighting scenes; good chapter overall. )
| JJSLAM2129 11/8/06 . chapter 12
You made go to my e-mail account over fifteen times in the past week just to see if you updated. Mind you, it gave me something to do (with the little windows of time I had), but I'm the kind of person who hates anticipation...with updates. In writing that can be good. Well, for your "season finale", the word of the review will be...Booyah.
"There was a [scream], like a hinging iron door as the blades met". . . . You have the right idea with the sentence structure, but I wouldn't use the word 'scream'. Perhaps 'screech' would work better here, seeing as there is no person, only the clanging of metal making the sound of a rusted iron hinge.
"...straight at him, and he could see the blade edgewise, and realized that the colossal, eight-foot-sword was darting to his position.". . . . Two things about this. One, in the sentence before, you already stated that the sword's point was heading for him; You don't need to say it again, just say he saw it coming in the first sentence. Second, and this is only if you keep the sentences as they are: Take out the 'and' after edgewise, changing 'realized' to 'realizing' or 'seeing'. Also take out the 'that', it's unnecessary.
The thing about the key-ring halo is, it was never described as having two clock arms on it. Perhaps I never saw it. The idea makes sense, but...I dunno, I just envisioned seeing two clock arms, you know, like an actual clock. Maybe it works differently? Hm.
Somehow, with all the conversations/rants from Fyreon and the awesome fighting action, I can't imagine this all taking place in less than two minutes. Oh well, reading text limits the thought of time sometimes.
“If you’ve gotten stronger because of hate, then it is not strength at all.” and “Justice is a weak man’s excuse to coexist with the strong.” . . . . . Booyah. Both of those quotes from Seles/Nive deserve one big booyah.
In fact, this chapter deserves one, too. So, for you, Chapter, and I guess Diamondust too (if I must) here's one: BOOYAH!
Bring on Season Two! ( :: )
| Noihseret 11/8/06 . chapter 12
wow. Seles, huh? this is so cool! must... read... chapter... 13!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 11/7/06 . chapter 5
Well, sorry for being so late, but got caught up with some stuff here... anyway, like the way you split the scenes with different characters here. And yeah, Nive was rather badass in this chapter as well. I really wonder what will happen next and I wonder what is it that the Elves wanted in detail. I have a funny feeling that it might have something to do with Amitiel or Liera and Fanella. I wonder how the Sojourner will appear and yeah, I wonder how Aoi will fit into the story...
| Maiya 11/3/06 . chapter 3
Sorry for being the obsessive-compulsive person that I am, but...
She knelt beside the bed, looking at him, and placed a gentle hand on [her] cheek and turned his face to hers. “It is much early for thee to know, for thou must learn Azoth once again ere thou could understand. Until then, such knowledge is forbidden from thee. I did not smite thee for no reason, my love.”
It's really just a minor thing, but shouldn't that be 'his' instead of 'her'? Or maybe I just got confused.
Anyways, still a great chapter, with a lot of surprises again! First the Godhand is actually a woman...then the Devil King is also a woman...hrm, I wonder if there will be times where a man is disguised as a woman? _
| NHKZ 11/2/06 . chapter 11
Wow, it's finally coming together. I hope to see more.
| Maiya 11/2/06 . chapter 2
Never in a million years did I think that the chapter would end that way. I mean sure I had my own musings on how things would end...like something suddenly happening to disrupt the execution, or that Noir would be someone related to him...but never did I think that she would be...well, a woman.
I love surprises. :D