FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Panchromatic 2006-08-27 ch 1,   | othat is a really, really interesting idea. i love it so muchokay get ready for a REALLY detailed critique. the beginning: very dramatic. gripping images, you know. churning black water, mute crying. but, to be super nit-picky, your first sentence is one of the most important parts of the story. since you're going for the dramatic approach, make it insane. make sure every word is exactly right. Maybe use "fury" or "rage" or some other such thing for "anger" to make it pop out at you? that's the only one i could pick out. remember you don't have to take any of these suggestions: just ideas. next area: conflict. i'm not sure how this works, because i don't know if there are more chapters coming or not... but right now it seems that the conflict is Coale wondering if the Papers are actually sentient. If this is the end, then the resolution was that he gave up on it when he was given the insect analogy. so it was just a passing thing. i'm not saying the story has to have a huge conflict, especially as short and literary as this is, but just keep it in mind, especially if you plan to continue, that it needs to develop pretty soon. Plot... well, it's really too short to worry about a plot right now, or at all, if you're not planning to continue. Setting... good, that was established well. I gathered that it was set in the future, apparently a future where we can control the weather, and Papers are used for labor. You also established that the environment is decidedly scientific or academic, since he was giving a lecture... maybe a university? awesome character names, by the way. i love tweaking spelling. Characters: Coale isn't very developed yet, or maybe he wasn't intended to be, again, if you aren't continuing: he's mild, intelligent, and quickly accepts what his superiors tell him. pretty simple guy. nice job synopsis: if you continue, i'll critique more. if it's going to stand like it is, keep in mind that the stuff i mentioned about plot, conflict, and character is irrelevant. if you're continuing, take a glance at it if you like, post more, and i'll come creeping back... |
| SwordoftheKing 2006-07-25 ch 1, | This has got to be one of the most original things I've seen in a while... Where the HECK did you come up with the idea? Please update swiftly, it's already interesting! Acouple things I thought to note, though- "The Papers are of course, lesser versions of what we used to be." There should be a comma between are, and of- elswise it sounds rushed, and kills the flow. "of course being able to schedule rain has helped, believe it or not, a few years back we couldn’t control when it rained!" The punctuation after 'helped' needs to be more definitive- a semi-colon would work fine. But right now it reads 'of course being able to schedule the rain has helped, believe it or not' when it looks like it's meant to be 'believe it or not, a few years back we couldn't control when it rained!'. "One survivor,” the report read as deformed white hands, now dried onto twisted metal, are ripped from their wrists, ink spurting black onto the harsh steel." 'are' from 'are ripped' changes the tenses. You've been using past tense, and 'are' makes it present. It'd work better if it were 'were'. (were ripped). And excellent job though- I look forward to its continuation. |