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| Bitter Irony 2006-09-08 ch 4,  | Hi, eveie! I just noticed you haven't updated this story for a while. I kind of miss it, and would really like to see how it ends. :-( I understand how busy things can get at this time of year, but it would really make my day to see this story updated. Please write more soon! ~Bitter Irony |
| Bitter Irony 2006-07-29 ch 4,  | I love the way you begin this chapter, with great tension but still a good flow. You also had some great descriptions here--my favorite was the Brad Pitt comparison. This chapter had a nice switch between the tense office and the sweet hospital scenes. Bobby and Sydney are cute as ever (I did notice something in the last chapter that I forgot to mention--sometimes, it seems that Sydney is called Lindsay. Typo of some sort?) My only criticism is that this chapter was very long, hard to read in one sitting. Update soon! ~Bitter Irony P.S. If the chapter breaks don't show up, put the first three words of every new section in bold or italics. |
| Bitter Irony 2006-07-29 ch 3, | This chapter was outstanding. The courtroom felt real and believable, very full of action and details. It's also good to see how you started the chapter in the middle of the action. Bobby and Sydney are amazing characters, and I'm finding myself very attatched to them! The scene with the prawn crackers was price-less. I thought the "2 days later...", "The next day..." etc unneccessary and not constructive to the flow. I think it would be better to show the elapsed time in the context of the story. Again, this chapter was amazing. Great Job! ~Bitter Irony |
| iluvmyaznman 2006-07-25 ch 3, | Hm. I do put in those ~*~*~*~ breaks. I wonder why they don't show up?? GRR! |
| Bitter Irony 2006-07-25 ch 2, | Another good chapter. Your dialouge and characters are persistently excellent, and I again enjoyed every word exchanged between Bobby and Sydney. I also ejoyed the little lawyer puns exchanged between Lucy and Sydney. You missed a few commas in this chapter: "Well [insert comma] I'm not going back to the office, he thought". There were also a few "Show-Not-Tell" slip-ups: "This morning she had worken thinking she had the flu and now she had cancer. Her life had changed dramatically in just seconds." This is redundant. The second sentance is "Tell-y" as opposed to "Show-y" and could be removed. Great chapter! Continue the good work and update soon!~Bitter Irony |
| Bitter Irony 2006-07-25 ch 1, | Great opening chapter! I especially love the way you build suspense throughout the entire chapter, starting with Harrison West foreshadowing and going all the way through to the sudo-cliffhanger ending. I did think that this chapter was rather long, mostly due to wordy dialouge in the beginning (Bobby and Eugene). It would also be helpful if you added some actual chapter breaks (a line of dashes, or capital O's, or something like that) instead of just switching location. In actual content, some more visual descriptions would be nice. On the other hand, I really enjoyed the Bobby/Sydney conversations, as they were both sweet and realistic (I'm thinking the one in the bedroom in specific, which had a wonderful, intimate atmosphere). You had a few problems with commas:"Sydney was amused, 'This is really getting to you...". -- The comma in that quote should actually be a period. As far as plot and characters, this story is amazing! Keep up the good work!~Bitter Irony |