Reviews for A Covenant of Shadows

SwordoftheKing
2006-07-27
ch 1,

abuseHmm... definitely a good start to a story, with what seems to be a fairly decent plot in the works. Your writing here tends to have a wooden tone, though- fairly substantially in the beginning, but still obvious at the end of the chapter... just less so with dialogue. (By 'wooden' I don't mean 'flavorless or dull, but stiff. A 'He did this. They did that. This was such.' type of thing.) I would suggest going over it and combining some sentences to make longer ones, while leaving others short- to get a good mix of the two, like the way people actually talk. And, a good way to check and see if it worked- read over what you've written out loud, and see if it sounds natural and, well, good.

A couple other things, just common notes on spelling/grammer:

"“Hell, I two cabins down the hall when they made you.”" There needs to be a word between 'I' and 'two'. 'Was' would work perfectly. ('I -was- two cabins down...')

"Daniel reached out to touch one of the frozen raindrops, and cashed the delicate aquatic drop to shatter when he touched it." Firstly- 'cashed' should be 'caused', and would actually work better as 'causing'. Secondly, there needs to be a comma between descriptive words. ('delicate' and 'aquatic') Thirdly, you already mentioned that he's reaching out to touch the thing, so 'touching' is superfluous and repetitive. Better would be to just leave it 'Daniel reached out to touch one of the frozen raindrops, causing the delicate, aquatic drop to shatter.'

"“So I have a monk who can freeze time and telling me all manner of strange things as my guardian angel?”" The 'and' needs to disappear- it disrupts the flow, is unneccesary, and is grammatically incorrect.

That's all for now! I await the next chapter.

Angelic Brunette Hermione
2006-07-26
ch 1,

abuseAs soon as I saw the name Taylor, I just knew this would be a companion to Triumvirate and Entente!

I like . . . thus far.

ABH

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