|Reviews for Different and Cool: Love's a Polygon|
| Persevera 4/18/13 . chapter 3
I like the alliteration of your first sentence.
[ The two combatants faced each other under the planets and stars]-That creates a nice contradictory visual, since we know it's a planetarium, but it still teases about a confrontation under the night sky.
[Andy, we've been doing this for over a hour now," ]-Did Mari mean to say it incorrectly, or should it be 'an hour'?
[Not to mention fighting a girl I've got a crush on...]-You should probably italicize that line to distinguish it from the dialogue.
Cute that the bandana made such a difference to Andy. I guess he liked it that Mari said it was a good look for him.
He'll be fine.
| Persevera 3/24/13 . chapter 2
Your metaphors in this chapter are so interesting. I really love the idea of their awkwardness being a good thing as "two different souls trying to know one another" and the line about Tarah's emotions being like a tsunami that eventually hits the mainland.
That's funny that Tarah says even elementary students know the difference between Anura and Caudata.
[She stamped her way to the open door, where a number of students clued in to the classroom commotion.]-this feels like an incomplete sentence. I suppose clued could be your verb but it just doesn't feel like it says what you meant for it to say.
[ leaking tears like sweating glassware]-Is a great line.
[she and her "nana" was perfectly safe.]-It should be were instead of was
[someone talking to an adorning servant]-That should be adoring
[raised his forearm to blow the blow]-block instead of blow?
Mari's interest and affection for two of the most unpopular kids in the school is sweet. I like it that she's been helping Andy with self-defense
[Then, slowly, he started walking over to his estranged friend, his eyes still focused on the floor. Slowly, he lowered herself down on the ground]-I don't know that you want to use slowly twice. It should be himself.
I like that he called himself a social coward. That was very self-aware and mature.
[Slick said nothing, but continued to study the insects in the grass, as if he were a Dork King himself.]-I really liked this line that suggested a little hesitance on Slick's part.
[Andy gaze lowered, his eyes settling into an amalgam of hate and fear. He was outnumbered 5 to 1, with one more cackling jock to Justin's right there assure that the odds were against him escaping without something broken or twisted. He could the pulse in his arms fluctuate, due to the two boys' steady grips on him. ]-There are a few things to correct in this paragraph. I'm sure you'll find them now that it's been spotlighted.
Green-maned lion is a great description for fighting Andy.
While you already have the flashback blocked off, you might want to further distinguish it by putting it in italics.
[He'd go though it all again]-through
That's cute that Andy still likes Mari and that Tarah can accept it.
["I thought I could handle everything myself, but I don't think I should have to]-I like this statement, that means Andy recognizes he and Tarah are supposed to be safe in school. He's not supposed to have to protect himself.
I love Tarah's last entry. It's good that she's so happy now.
| Persevera 3/9/13 . chapter 1
I like the language of Tarah's journal, especially the end. It really does sound like a young girl gushing to the page because she doesn't have a friend with whom she can share her feelings.
[the ugly little chortle of camaraderie amongst fellow villains.]-I really like this phrase. I think because it reduces Justin and Slick to something kind of pathetic, rather than really menacing, as they like to think they are. The wording is just really nice too.
[kinda narrow minded]-Should be hyphenated.
I thought Tarah was being a little insensitive when she continued her thoughts on the bug while Andy was nursing his injury but Andy didn't seem to mind, following up on her conversation, rather than groaning from the headache he's bound to have.
[At this moment, the school bell rung]-rang.
I like the description of Justin's satchel. You do make them pathetic, if they just knew it.
[putting out a hand out to catch the door]-You might want to take out an out
[Tarah found she had nothing felt to say]-left instead of felt
Tarah is so sad in this. She's used to being odd man out so for her to be suffering right now, it is definitely worse, thinking that she's lost Andy. I'm anxious to see what he asked for help from Mari. Tarah will be so happy when she realizes it's something for her, right?
| Mr.M7 8/28/10 . chapter 2
Once again, I love Different and Cool. I love how you're able to just fill this story with both romance and total awkward geeky-ness. My favorite part is where Tarah told Andy they were in a symbiotic relationship. So cute!
| HiddenFromYou 8/23/10 . chapter 2
You use this sentence: "On Tuesday of the next week, it broke onto the mainland" to good effect in the first scene. It builds tension well, and you could afford to use this technique a couple of times more throughout the chapters, as it helps the reader have points of reference throughout the story.
Don't use capital letters to indicate shouting, even if it's a few times per chapters. Use italics, or if you must, bold. Using capital letters in this way is incorrect.
| HiddenFromYou 8/23/10 . chapter 1
I'll be honest, there's not much of a hook at the beginning of this chapter. Having not read any of the previous story, I don't find myself needing to know more about the charaters. Furthermore, this line: "It's been a while since I've written to you" is an over-used tool to give the writer an excuse to fill on back story, and it always annoys me. Try dropping hints throughout the piece, instead of right out telling us.
Looking at the different scenes you have, they are good lengths to hold the reader's attention, but there's a lack of balance around them. You have the descriptions and seting bunched together, followed by the dialogue bunched together. You can use the same fix as above. Drop bits of description throughout the scene, even while people are talking. No need to throw everything at the reader at once.
On the other side of the length, this is far too long a chapter for my tastes. You could possibly split it at: "Bug bites, oh now that's a pun!" which I feel would give an easier to read story.
I couldn't find any of the classic grammar or punctuation mistakes, so I congratulate you on that.
This was a bit overly-romantic for me, but it's personal preference more than anything else. The lack of cliff hanger at the end of the story, however, really bothered me. You need a hook at both the beginning and ends of chapters to draw the read in, which you didn't do here.
| WandererfromtheWest 8/17/10 . chapter 2
Let's see, well the first entry (or Journal Entry... which ever you prefer) gave me a different opinion of Tarah -the opinion I'm sad to say was annoying-, but after I read everything, I must say now I'm a fan and will try my best to keep up with this fine example of Literature. Until next time 'Cheerio'! :D
| lookingwest 4/26/10 . chapter 1
Thanks for the recap at the beginning, that helped because i haven't read Different and Cool for awhile, so it was nice to feel caught up and have more clarity about the story thus far-anyways, good decision to include it.
Other-What is behind your decision to have characters with technicolor hair, other than it's "anime-based"? Just curious, take no offense to it please, I just want to know your intentions better and explore it, I don't see what it adds to the story but perhaps you could enlighten me-what does it add from your perspective? Also, I think you could split this whole part one into more than one chapter. It got a little long, and your action is very scattered, so by the time the reader gets down to the last two parts beginning with the description of Starlight City, I found myself getting a tad bit bored and disinterested, wanting to get back to character interactions instead. Then again, when I think of it overall, I didn't mind too much because the writing was easy to follow ;) Still, I would consider it for purposes of fictionpress and the average fictionpress reader, who unfortunately never makes it past the first section -_-
"Yeah!" Slick chortled...
-Ugh, this makes me hate Slick more, XD, do you know what I think of when I think of the speaker tag "chortle"? Go to Google. Go to Images. Type in "Walrus". Press search. Click first image. That right there, is the only thing that would ever chortle at me. XD
Characters-You do a great job describing Tarah after her journal entry when she's observing the game because you use a vast variety of words like "gawky" "myopic" and "klutzy" to really describe many aspects of her character without being too obvious about it. Andy is an amazing guy, haha, in Middle School I would never had touched Tarah with a ten foot pole. I mean, I was already dorky, but I remember I was nice to this even dorkier guy once, and I was made fun of in the next class so much I cried, XD, Middle School is a terrible, terrible place. I keep questioning if I even find Andy believable, just because the Middle School in my hometown is so bad-but that's just personal experience, and at the same time I doubt everyone has had my experience of Middle School, right? So I like that you keep it realistic with characters like Slick and Justin, and I really do think, especially with this part, that you keep Middle School a very harsh place, but then you've got Andy who adds a unique spin.
Setting-I like that you keep switching settings and have more than one within this part I because it kept my attention and proved for realistic transitions. The gym scene was great because I think you portrayed the awkwardness of a middle school gym class well through mentioning different traits of the girls and boys-and being with Tarah while Lydia bullied her was sad yet effective, it really created a lot of sympathy for the reader towards Tarah. Also enjoyed the descriptions for "downtown Starlight City", very earthy and realistic.
Writing Style- I'm not really a fan of journal entry writing styles but I think you opened and employed it well, it was a perhaps a little cliche though, but at the same thing I think it works for her age group and I commend Tarah's character for writing in her journal with complete words instead of text speech or something, XD. But anyway, the rest of the overall story had an easy to follow writing style that I liked, sentences were varied between short and long and there was a nice variety of it.
...the 7th and 8th Grades...
-Edit: spell out "seventh" and "eighth"
-Edit: use one exclamation point, this is not a comic book
BWONK! Andy jerked...
-Suggested Edit: I would suggest leaving "BWONK" in its own paragraph to emphasize it, but just a suggestion!
...Slick added in...
-Edit: would omit "in"
...least 75% of the 7th Graders...
-Edit: "seventy-five percent" and "seventh"
| By Design Juliet 1/16/10 . chapter 1
Just a note- While I realize that this is a spin-off of another story, or a companion-piece, it shouldn't be left to the reader to read several different things in order to understand a story. If the details mentioned under the first paragraph are really that important, you should probably write them in.
You're clearly a literate writer, but it feels like you've been playing with a thesaurus way too much instead of going with your first words. Revising is always a good thing, but replacing common words with something that even above-average readers need to look up is going a bit too far.
Speaking as a social misfit myself, I find the stereotypical freak-girl a bit overdone. Nobody, unless they actively fight off advancing friendships, has /no/ friends, even in the tiny schools I've gone to. Students won't act as though the girl is a leper unless she's gone out of her way to antagonize them. There are certain people who will, but the majority of students won't.
| sophiesix 11/26/09 . chapter 1
"Softly closing the small writing tablet she off-and-on used as a journal, Tarah took a look behind her through the window of the classroom, outside of which was the games field." For a first sentence, I felt this had the right atmosphere, but the execution was a problem for me, because the sentence was so long and kind of, encumbered. I’d consider breaking it in two, or shortening the last half to something like: ” Tarah looked her through the classroom windows behind her towards the games field.” Or “Tarah looked out towards the games field through the classroom windows behind her.” Or something, maybe adding a thought or action of hers to lighten the set description and liven it up a little. First sentences are tricky, sorry I’m not much more help with it.
The second sentence I likewise found a little long, too much crammed in. It had the effect of slowing down the flow of the narrative, because you’re trying to process all these descriptors and images at once…? The last two sentences were great though. Hah ha, ok I promise I’m not going to go through this sentence by sentence, but just in general, I think your sentences could be pruned a little to cut to the story more (sorry if that’s a writing style you are particularly preferring, that’s just how it comes across to me.) as someone who likes to write in long sentences, I’m constantly having to re read and see where I can cut back and condense, and I’m afflicting you with the same scrutiny :)
Eg “Taking big, bounding steps, Tarah made it down the hallway and to the door leading outside.” Could be equally “Tarah bounded down the hallway and outside”, or even just “Tarah bounded outside.” ?
I like your little touches like “which was a shame because there wasn't”, they really make the piece come alive. The characterisation of the two MC’s and their relationship is really lovely
“BWIK! the locker door slammed with a metallic screech” I don’t tyhink the bwik adds much here, either that or the screech, because both is kinda redundant?
“As it actually was, however, Lydia's attack on her was the F minor prelude to the elaborate symphonic work entitled "Jeers from the Outside."” Heh heh heh. You do the cruel high school world really well
“Lots of bugs died when they were hunted for too long.” I like that you show us how she understands the world.
oh dear, hope she trusts Andy, I'm sure he's just trying to make stuff better for them at school, he's needs a popular person to help him with that.
| lookingwest 11/13/09 . chapter 2
I liked your progression of plot and characterization, especially in Part One you did a great job characterizing Tarah and also keeping your characters relateable. The only thing I found frustrating with your writing style was the amount of description which I found was a little overwhelming. I feel like at times you over-do it with descriptions and explanations, when situations could be explained with less embellishment. The way you divide the story is a little confusing to me too, but I figured it out! Oh, and I also found your integration of anime an interesting dynamic to the story, I've never read a story on fictionpress with anime characteristics, and I enjoyed the added creativeness!
| soojinyeh 11/5/07 . chapter 2
When I read the first journal entry Tarah Reichardt seemed really annoying, but the idea of her and andrew as a couple seems interesting. The idea of falling for the geek is kinda used too often, including the didn't like each other at first then falls in love thing. That's just my opinion-but I'm sure it'll get better as time goes on. Keep writing.
| Twilight Starr 10/30/07 . chapter 2
Fantastic story. You have a nice little series going on. Great job!
| Twilight Starr 10/30/07 . chapter 1
Those kids are so cruel. I'm glad Mari there to stand up for them. I wonder what happens in the next part.
| MKSub 10/29/07 . chapter 1
I started reading this because the title, "Love's a Polygon" caught my attention.
"Softly closing the small writing tablet... games field. "- that's a run on. try splitting it up into at least 2 sentences. And the sentence after that one too.
" her, smiled lightly"- ", and smiled lightly"