|Reviews for A Model Story|
| diesoz 8/2/07 . chapter 4
This story is really well written and it's a great concept! Although, it's just not my type of story. I'll be sure to check out your other stuff!
| DarkPegasiKnight 7/29/07 . chapter 1
Yo! Invasion of the Review Revolution!
The story has a decent beginning, with nice little quirks that make it so real. For example, the part of about the green contacts was a nice little touch. (Seriously, I can so understand how green eyes may be a bit more popular than brown)
Things you make want to work up is your description. (Keyword: may. This is purely style and opinion) For example, the beginning paragraph. Instead of saying: "It was obvious, beginning with the moment my heel broke off, right away at eight o’clock in the morning. My latte spilled all over me, causing me to let out a little scream", perhaps you can go more into it. The reader will peg this as important because it sets the mood. This is where you show how Nikki knew her day was going to suck, so maybe it wouldn't be bad to actually try to show it as opposed to saying.
Another example of this that caught my eye was the description of the dress. (This is absolutely minor and nitpicky. Feel free to skip) Instead of describing it literally, perhaps you can compare it something else. For example: "The dress reminded me of a half-dead peacock." Immediately, that (should) bring a vivid image to one's mind. But then again, this is a purely style comment.
I like Nikki. She's very much like purple fire. (Though I'm not sure what I meant by that...)
| Whit5000 7/29/07 . chapter 1
From The- Review Revolution.
Not my kinda story, but it was very well written. Like a lotta otha people have said, Nikki's character is realistic. I ain't really got much ta say as these ain't my type a stories and everyone's picked out the typos... keep it up!
| alirider827 7/28/07 . chapter 11
interesting... not much to say about this. i want to see what happens )
eh... wouldn't lizzi be under contract?
eh... wow. more twists. haha.. again no comment. i want to find out more )
why do none of these models ever have a relationship? geez... haha.
hmm... this seems like an end... or is there more?
well, i guess i'm off critiquing. i hope it helps and wasn't too nagging... )
| alirider827 7/28/07 . chapter 7
eh... amy seems to have immatured a bit... she's acting like an 11 year old..
hmm... i feel as if you're setting up something here, so i won't say anything about the murder thing besides that i'm very confused... but i guess that's the point )
ahh... i don't know. there's something about this whole romance aspect that reminds me so much of middle school... bjorn seems borderline stalker xD.
yeah.. i don't know. this whole relationship part of the story seems so... i don't know. i know i've already said it before, but all these people seem very... juvenile with their relationships. they keep saying stuff like "do you like him?" and they keep falling madly in love with each other... i know you're writing for a 13-17 audience, but i think people who are 18-24 have more maturity than that!
the whole scene with amy and bjorn was kind of weird... i know you have said that they were naive, but it just all seems so unrealistic... dating after one day? even the way they talked about it... i don't know. relationships, even those of celebrities, don't seem to happen like that. it seems like they just labeled themselves in a relationship after two seconds... and i don't know... it all seemed much more like a middle school thing than a relationship between two celebrity teens.
and yeah... sorry about that big rant xD
i like this one. the amy to ami change really signals the change that's going on with amy herself, as she went from not wanting to hurt someone to wanting to be number one. i like this nikki vs. amy feud- it's very interesting )
well, you already know what i think about the relationships, but i like the little fight that nikki and amy have. it's catty... something i can definitely imagine paris hilton and lindsay lohan having xD.
hmm.. interesting twist with lizzi... i like nikki the best of them all... i don't know why... haha. good chapter.
| alirider827 7/28/07 . chapter 3
hey, i'm back with reviewing )
reading through these, i have to say that you should watch out for some mistakes, both grammatically and some general slipups. you have a couple here and there.
here's one i mean:
"“Amy!” my stupid stylist said, grabbing my arm, “Are you ready?”
“You bet,” I said, smiling. I took a seat in my chair as he touched some things up, and with that, I went to line up."
i think you mean nikki here ;)
anyways, i really liked this chapter. it really thickens the plot. i like the development of nikki's character, her realization of amy as a rival. pretty cool so far )
hmm... again, this chapter seems a little fast. well, i'm not sure about modeling and all that... but still, everything seems to be moving really fast, such as finding a new male model after a few minutes. and again, be careful of any mistakes you might make. i just saw some grammatical errors here and there, though.
hm... interesting. i'm not sure about this chapter... it seems a little shallow, bjorn's character. it seems that you haven't mastered his voice yet, and that you're borrowing amy's voice instead. well anyway...
eh... i don't know about blair either. she seems to despise bjorn for no reason whatsoever and you keep saying that he is immature, but give no reasoning for why.
conversation seems a little awkward now.
"As soon as Lizzi left, Jordan sighed and said, “Don’t tell anybody, but Lizzi is hopelessly in love with this Ken guy.”
“No way!” I said, smiling, “I figured it was something like that. She was all flustered!”
“Promise you guys won’t tell her?” Jordan asked then, “And if you let it slip, just don’t say you heard it from me.”"
here, for example. it seems like they are a bunch of 12 year old children at school gossipping, not a bunch of adults in a modeling agency.
hmm... there's something fishy going on now.
the conversation with lizzi and blair seemed a little weird. lizzi went from being extremely nervous of what blair had heard to forgiving her... again, it seems kind of unnatural, so maybe you could try using more subtle words and actions instead of point blank ones.
| tabiscus 7/28/07 . chapter 1
Hi, I'm from Review Revolution as well.
Hmm...your writing flows pretty well, and you have nice grammer as well. The only issue I really had was your comma use; I think you used too many.
I liked that Nikki is realistic, and has not only sacrificed but has characteristics that make her seem...not perfect, but human.
As for when describing the dress and saying it has a sparkly feeling, I think it may sound better if you say "look" rather than "feeling".
When she was flipping through the magazine, I think it would sound better if you put a semi-colon (;) in between "much more unfortunate than I" and "I couldn't help but..." and so on.
Keep updating! It seems like this has a lot of potential!
| alirider827 7/27/07 . chapter 2
hey there! i'll be commenting chapter by chapter so...
hmm... bringois? bingois? i got pretty confused by this... did you know that you switched from the two names? in the beginning, it was bringois, but then you were consistent with bingois. i'm assuming you're going to stick with that from now on, so i won't say anything more about that. )
interesting... though this nikki character seems pretty flat so far, portraying only as being "bad" in a way.. but this HAS only been a chapter, so the character hasn't been developed yet. you might want to try not to make nikki ALWAYS thinking evilly, though. but yeah, it's only the first chapter and i should probably read on before saying this...
there is something about this sudden drab to fab that makes the story seems fake yet totally real at the same time... at times, i can imagine it happening and others i don't believe it. i think it's mostly because it all feels sort of rushed, though the character IS being rushed around at this point, so i guess your writing worked!
i can really imagine this story as a movie... the scenes, the characters, the dialogue... very movie-esque. not a bad thing though )
anyways, i'll read the other chapters tomorrow- it's getting later. good job so far!
| The Winking Peach Candle 7/25/07 . chapter 1
wow, this is really well written...and it's a great look into the life of a model.
seriously, Nikki is a very beleivable character, and you developed just about every aspect of her life perfectly.
i want to know now how she'll let this revenge thing get to her head.
and i want to know more about Amy and where she came from, she seems like an...interesting person.
| DarkBlysse 7/24/07 . chapter 2
Well, you did well in showing us another character's perspective and in raising several more questions. How will Amy do in a world she knows nothing about? Will she change easily? And even-do I dare say it?-will she get to know Alec any 'better'?
| DarkBlysse 7/24/07 . chapter 1
Hey, there. I'm DarkBlysse, and I am also from the Review Revolution (...link is not yet in my profile as I am computer illiterate...).
13-17? Psh, I'm older than that, but I'ma read it anyways. You don't mind, do you? Of course, you don't!
First off, the chapter of the title made me giggle. That's always a good thing. _
Right off the bat, I'd like to tell you that you're dialogue's awesome. It -sounds real- which is the most important thing when it comes to dialogue. Kudos for that.
"He took my arm and led me through some curtains, to the back, where Sophie, his assistant stood."-Your use of commas in this sentence is, well...bad. It should be read as "He took my arm and led me through some curtains to the back where Sophie, his assistant, stood." After reading some more of this, I can see that there are some spots where you over- or mis-use commas. One spot where you seem to be mis-using them is before 'and.' You only need it there if you're listing something, not before every single 'and.' Don't feel bad-I'm a culprit, too. When you write something, say it out loud as well. If you pause when you speak, put a comma there. No pause no comma, simple as that, really. Hope that helps a little-it did me loads of good!
"...and can’t turn on your charm, hoping to charm the judges..."-Try not to repeat words in such a short space (in this case 'charm.'). It clutters the sentence and annoys readers.
"'Now go try it on. We’ll need to get it fitted."-You missed a quotation mark at the end there. Just thought I'd point that out.
"...side into ruffles. On the ruffles were sparkled beads, giving it an overall sparkly feeling." -Another example of repetition-"ruffles...ruffles" and "sparkled...sparkly." Also keep an eye on phrases (ie-"...matched so perfectly...").
"I don’t understand how she beat me out?"-Nix the question mark.
I really liked this first chapter and even if I wasn't in The Revolution I would definitely be coming back for more! I can't wait to see how this develops, Endless! And I have to tell you that I keep imagining Tyra Banks in the background. *Is a hopeless ANTM fan*
| Fractured Illusion 7/24/07 . chapter 8
I'm really just wondering "Who is Jordan?" about half the time she is mentioned. I forgot what she does and it hasn't really been mentioned a lot. i sort of confuse her with that photographer as well (cassie?).
I am surprised *no one* is trying to Google about Bella Rose's death, or look up newspaper articles from that time :/ I mean, it's just Amy's life its about right? ...Ah well.
And why doesn'tshe even spare a single THOUGHT of the family she left behind? Nothing at all. Feels too fake. Don't get me wrong, the story is enjoyable, but man there are some weirdo things that doesn't make sense.
And okay. Blaire not having had a boyfriend due to job: ok I can get that.
Bjorn not having had a girlfriend either; uh, this feels a bit weird :/ Whats with everyone not having had any love experience?
This chapter was good though. I liked Bjorn's attitude here. Thinking in a strategy sense. Made my like towards him rise, for sure.
I was shocked to hear they had just met yesterday though. Couldn't you have prolonged it a bit so as to not make ti all feel so fake? :/
| concerto49 7/23/07 . chapter 1
*The review revolution comes to make friends with your story. We're a group dedicated to making friends with interesting recent stories. The link to it is in my profile (at the end). I'm the representative for this week, having lived through torment and destruction to reach your story. Your story is announced story of the week.*
Well, seems like my members beat me to reviewing first as I had quite a fight (with my Frozen Blade, no I gave X Infinity away) amongst the other Young Adults. I'll mention here that you are not lucky, as I have not found you by chance. You're the first to make me read a few lines in the begin with in the first place without killing myself in a long while. Also, since I already saw how they pointed out the grammar...I think I'll leave that.
I'm meant to be representative of the week, so guess I'll say a lot more just to make me sound like one. This is an online text, so there are things like bold and italics you could use. Perhaps also like dividers and separators. Just note in helps as presentation counts. It's not just a bunch of text. Looks like the other members have already read a lot into it too, meaning it was proved to be a good choice.
I felt, as I've seen often that it needs to be more descriptive, and to pull more emotions out of the reader. It needs to be stronger, and since with the use of first person, more subjective, and biased even. Though, yes I should say it was cool. I don't usually read things that are just normal drama about people without anything beneath it, but this was alright (I'll decide if it's great when I read on).
Finally, reminds me that I have a reserved story (in-productions) about a singer yet perhaps with some fantasy, yet I don't know enough fashion to give it that touch. Perhaps...never mind. It was cool. Anyhow, cheers.
And my signature. It's me!
| Fractured Illusion 7/23/07 . chapter 7
First off before I will read this chapter; I like your chapter structure of telling who the main character of the chapter is as well as the title of the chapter. I just found it fits.
Ok, that was it.
"I must have finally managed to fall asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the studio, while Robert, Jasmine Flowers’—and thusly my—stylist was putting my makeup on. I was attempting to read a magazine while he put mascara on, but it wasn’t working, so I finally gave up and sighed."
This makes no sense. She suddenly wakes up and reads a magazine while being pretty-fied by a stylist? O.o Sorry it just confuses me a lot.
Why has Amy forgotten her family? How could she settle with someone else making calls to them? It seem so un-Amy to do.
And no! Even Bjorn is a natural! Ugh. This annoys me. These things take practice! Skill! Knowledge and experience. They have showed no signs of either, and therefore, to me, it seems like a load of BS, quite frankly. If you could at least have featured them practicing modeling and such, if only in mentioning! Ie:
Blair: So where's Bjorn and Amy?
Lizzi: Oh, they're practicing.
You know that type of deal? This just isn't believable, and that takes away entertainment value.
And wow, so that is what happened that made them get Amy a bodyguard? And Alec loved Bella, and was crushed by her death or what?
I like Lizzi despite there is so little about her.I want to know more of the many secrets! This is juicy despite its plotholes.
| Fractured Illusion 7/23/07 . chapter 6
"“He’s super secretive,” Amy whispered to me.
“Ah,” I just said, wishing Bjorn would be a little more secretive,"
*chuckles* Funny ;
Blaire is one interesting character, and I like her already. And the mystery around Jasmine, Alec and Lizzi is intriguing. I wonder what's going on with them.