Reviews for Underground - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Underground - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Draketeeth 2006-09-02 ch 4,	abuseshutupcharlotte, that kind of thing is for an e-mail, not a review. You didn't even say anything except a lame 'I'm to busy to review' excuse. Meh, my chapter. It wasn't one of my fav. stories to write on, sorry if the ending wasn't quite as open to continue as is ideal.
Tikvah Ariel 2006-08-26 ch 4,	abuseWell, for starters I didn't imagine the story to really shape this way. Nonetheless, I felt that once you were allowed to do your own thing instead of continuing the fight scene, you got into your element. The last paragraph was a little weak, but I understood your need to include it
Zeldia Ignatius 2006-08-10 ch 1,	abuseI liked it--it turned out very well, especially for a writing project like you were doing, but I really got the impression that you didn't know where things were going. Also, there wasn't much description, making the whole peice seem rather emotionless.
shutupcharlotte 2006-08-09 ch 1,	abusethanks for your help on "an advanced equation." the rhymes are bad & i know that, but i'm not gonna apologize for them. they're slant rhymes, okay? i like it when then don't quite match up. read it out loud, you'll get it. i think it's quirky. yeah, i know the equation thing gets a little screwed over in the middle, but i don't really know how to fix that. any ideas? it's supposed to be repetitive, also. but, um, yeah, you're right, my favorite part was the idea! so thank you for liking it. =] maybe i'll make the compostition better after awhile. oh & i'm sorrying for not actually reviewing, yet, but i don't have time to read much right now, promise i will later!! =]
pyra250 2006-08-09 ch 3,	abuseInteresting continuation, Ashley. :) I would've liked to know more about this man-beast, though. All I know is that he had bad breath and hairy arms that are good for lifting...lol. I would've liked a little more detail, but I understand that with the limitations it's sometimes hard to add them. Still, it was good. :) I like how you started to really bring out the character's deceptive nature. Nice.
pyra250 2006-08-09 ch 2,	abuseWow...umm..well, the first paragraph confused me at first. The wording was a little awkward, especially in the first paragraph. Way to keep the intrigue, though. I think this second part fit perfectly with the first. Good job. :)
Strings 2006-08-09 ch 3, anon.	abuseOK, I think everyone's sick of my triple-threat review stuff, so I'm going to review everything in this one.Tev, for once I was right about who wrote a chapter! ^_^ I must admit I liked how you started it, and I think this is the least favorite thing I've written in the competition. I was idea-starved, for some reason, and had no idea what to do.Interesting way of continuing it, Ashley- wouldn't have thought of it that way, but cool. ^_^
Draketeeth 2006-08-08 ch 3,	abuse"Anger dashed through my veins as I remembered my family." It still remains a mystery to me of why she hated her family so much. What did they do to her? "may be good for me to do something like this; to help people like me…" then why did you kill your sister? "I turned around face to face with a rather large. . " Consider revising to 'I turned around and found myself face to face with. . . ' as it currently is, the sentence seems to be missing a word or two, though it still makes sense. "I turned around face to face with a rather large. . .The giant man-beast I’ll call it suddenly took a giant leap towards me." If she's already face to face with it, how can it take a giant leap forward? It would knock her over. "I don’t care what you filthy humans say;. . ." He's daft, her legs are jelly. "His breath was horrendous." Hahahaha! I can see Ashley writing this. Her style is splashed thoughout it. The first two chapters could have been anyone, but this definately one has Ashley in it.
Draketeeth 2006-08-08 ch 2,	abuse". . .and my baby sister- sparkling with the same gift that I had." If her sister had the same gift, then why would the main character destoy her? It would be one more misfit to rule over, and raise in the way /she/ would want the child to grow up. "The word “network” had many meanings for me-. . ." I like that line. Shows the character can think in different levels other than just one. A single word applies to many things. String wrote this? huh, I had no clue.
Draketeeth 2006-08-08 ch 1,	abuse". . .the fire would signal engines and nosy neighbors who took too much interest in destruction then was psychologically healthy." That part about the neighbors cracks me up! ". . .and slowly I put my feet, or where they should have been if there wasn’t jelly, . . ." I don't know, but something about this section of the sentence bugs me. consider expanding it out a bit to 'and slowly I put my feet, or what should have been my feet if there wasn't jelly, . . .' or something else along those lines. As it is now, it's bothersome. "I put my feet, or where they should have been if there wasn’t jelly, into it, feeling the cool water. . ." A question about how she holds her jelly=like self together; putting herself in water, wouldn't she dissolve a bit, or does she have some means of staying together? "Birds chirping some sort of tune, and a breeze that was a refreshing chill." Fragment. Re-word it to make a complete sentence, or attatch it to another sentence. An interesting start to a story. Can't wait to see how it progresses with all the different authors guiding it in a direction they think it should go.
gr33d 2006-08-05 ch 1, anon.	abusevery well written, although I'm not a major fan of short stories, I think you could have made it longer and spent time showing the characters transformation. Overall it was an enjoyable piece to read.
ninjastarz 2006-08-04 ch 2,	abuseAhh, I liked this chapter as well =D More hooks :B I think the story would have been better off had a bit more information on the old man be given, and what exactly "one of those" is. Maybe that will be revealed in later chapters though and this was just a trick to keep readers reading? lol. I like how the main character is being manipulative, but doesn't really reveal what her/his plans are. Now I want to read more ;_; The dashes bother me @_@ Might want to use less of them.
Angels' shadows 2006-08-04 ch 1,	abuseWow, tev! I thought Drake or Carpe wrote this. I didn't know that you were taking part in your own compatition ^^
Celtsea 2006-08-04 ch 2,	abuseThis is going to sound really strange, but your writing style and ideas remind me of Anthony Horrorwits's back when he was writing more suspense and horror.You have an amazing combo of originality and descriptive workings of the inner mind.Yo uhave impressed me.A hard thing to do.
MusicalLova59 2006-08-04 ch 2,	abuseWell I'm extremley confused what's going on, why this girl killed her family, and if she has magical powers or is just crazy. But I'm sure these things will be eplained in time, and the writing is really good.

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