Reviews for Apex - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Apex - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Rachel M. T 2006-12-02 ch 5,	abuseHey I got your message! I'm going to review as I go along now... Alright, the first paragraph seems to change tenses. You probably should change the sentence "The late-night drunkards won't remember what happens, probably won't even register his appearance, but it will all be understood by the little moth that stalked him." I would change the sentence to "The late-night drunkards wouldn't remember what happened, they probably wouldn't even register his appearance, although it all would be understood by the little moth that stalked him." This chapter wasn't very long, but it did further the story very well. You had a lot of literary devices in here, and I truely enjoyed it. Great job!
Sakadora 2006-11-05 ch 5,	abuseThe author of this chapter appears to be absolutely amazing.
Angels' shadows 2006-09-30 ch 5,	abuseNice! Very Nice! -huggles chapter- I liked the discription in this chapter, very well developed.-Chibi
Strings 2006-09-27 ch 2, anon.	abuseI liked the last paragraph here, Keeki. You also did a good job continuing the style, although at some points, your style is (to use Drake's term) splashed through it. This chapter is quite intense and a good hook.
Strings 2006-09-26 ch 1, anon.	abuseThere was sort of an information dump in the last paragraph, which bugged me. Also, Chibi's style got more and more evident as this went on, which isn't nessacarily a bad thing... This is going to be an interesting story... and it's the one I bailed out on. -_-;
Angels' shadows 2006-08-09 ch 3,	abuseOo, kinda interesting, now Deon ish falling in love. ^^ Yeah I kinda agree with tev, too. -Chibi o_^
pyra250 2006-08-09 ch 3,	abuseHa, you're right about that, Tevvy. xD I just realized. Of course, when I wrote it I believe it was late at night, so I should really shy away from doing that. I always write at night and it comes out really bad. >.< "It was of black velvet, having a soft sheen to it and contrasting marvelously with her equally silver that fell in locks across her back." ~I do believe that I meant to put 'equally silver HAIR'...so yeah.
Tikvah Ariel 2006-08-08 ch 3,	abuseI think you overused the word Deon quite a bit, but other than that this was a nice chapter and moved the plot along in a new direction I was expecting
Rob 2006-08-06 ch 2, anon.	abuseWhoa. Great plot. Very captivating. I liked the way you described the girl who followed Deon. Her actions were very believable. The first chapter was awesome. However, the second one seemed to drag a little. It was more telling and less showing. You may want to tell the readers what has happened in the past through thoughts interspersed with the action. Other than that, though, I thought it was a wonderful story. :)
DnAPnK-Kuro Kaze 2006-08-06 ch 1,	abuseWow! that was indeed very interesting. i wonder what would happen next?
Angels' shadows 2006-08-05 ch 2,	abuse'Ello Keeki! I didn't even think that Deon would go to college ;)-Chibi o_^
Angels' shadows 2006-08-05 ch 1,	abuseHello! Thankies for all the compliments people! Yeah that last paragraph was sorta an info dump; it's a bad habit of mine to do that. That ish good advise, Brooke, letting it unravel later. I didn't really have enough room to add any detail to the suroundings or to Deon, usualy I would add detail. But I did say that he had blond hair and I think I said he had a trenchcoat, but I can't remember.Oo matrix? I've never seen it but it did have a bit influence on this chapter. Yeah I liked the hat part too, Deaon kinda uses it as a device to sneak up on the girl.-Chibi o_^
Rachel M. T 2006-08-04 ch 2,	abuseOk, on with the constructive stuff! In the first paragraph, the sentece, "As often as it happened, he hated it when Lorain sent people to come after him." Its a bit confusing. Naturally, I figured from the first chapter that Deon didn't like to be followed. The way the sentence is written, makes me feel that Deon should somehow be happy that Lorain sends people constantly after him. I would try something different in its place, explaining that Lorain sent people after him often, and that it was on the top of his hate-list or something. In the second paragraph the "But like I said earlier, he really does hate it when they're sent after him," is kind of a turn off for the reader. They're reading and suddenly its like "Woah! Now the story is narrated?!?" My advice would be to take that sentence out, or at least change it. "When Deon was at his poorest (right after his college graduation) was when Lorain picked him up off the streets...That sentence sounds awkward. Try fixing it to run smoothly, such as, "It was when Deon was at his poorest, right after graduating from college, when he was picked up by Lorain, to be her labrat. (Just a suggestion though.) This is another good chapter, except that it tells more than it shows. Other than that, there is some good backround info on who Deon is and was! I'll review more later, but its really late tonight! Again good job!
Rachel M. T 2006-08-04 ch 1,	abuseGood! I like it so far! I try to leave some constructive crit. when I read stories, but there was really nothing I could find. Perhaps though, and I understand this is a co-written story, Deon could be described (as in looks) for the reader? Other than that, I found nothing wrong! I'm on to the next chapter!
Lyriael 2006-08-04 ch 1,	abuseThis is pretty good- it sounds like an interesting story. I also really love the use of the hat. I don't know why, I just thought it was neat. Go figure. :D The biggest thing I noticed that could use some improvement in the last paragraph, which seems like just an information dump to shove in all the stuff that you didn't have earlier. I think it'd be more effective if you spread that information out throughout the story, dropping little facts and hints every now and then. As it is, it's kind of bland and doesn't add much to the story. Also, there were some sentances that didn't really do much for me."Deon ran into an alleyway with his pursuer following.""...the look of (a) surprise/grimace (was) on her face."etc.Sometimes your sentence structure seems a little awkward, and others are somewhat lacking in description. It's just, this happened, then this happened... Overall, I think some more description would do a lot for you.

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