Reviews for A Dark Knights Tale Part 1

Reviews For: A Dark Knights Tale Part 1

1Fallen 2007-04-10 ch 1,	abusepretty good :)!
RoxyFairy 2007-02-24 ch 4,	abuseWow Marcus- real good. Just make sure to read over it more before you send it in. (Chris not being able to get up and then being able to fight a guy) And I like your names for the people like Veil, but Yer makes me giggle. Anyway, good, keep writing, and see ya! -RF
King of Kings 2007-02-17 ch 10,	abuseThis is very interesting, and I bet it could be a very good story if you work on it a little more. There's not a lot of detail, and it seems rather rushed. Grammar wise, there's no huge problems, only - you should use commas more often, to indicate pauses, I saw a lot of places where they were needed. And, with the quotes (""), you seem to put the second quote before the person is finsihed speaking. Careful with that. Hope you don't take offense from my suggestions. This is a good story, cool fantasy world, and Chris is interesting (I also like this whole thing between Chris and Veil :D) - just try and describe it more. No need to rush through this. ;)
Daniel Clarke 2006-12-23 ch 10,	abuseDecent story. Good plot, nicely paced as well. Interesting world. Biggest problem you have is detail. Although you improved a lot from the first chapter to the last, it still needs work. Also your dialogue could use some improvement. There were some parts where Viel was repeating what Chris said. This works when a person is surprised or confused. But in a regular conversation it just takes up space and looks confusing. If it wasn't for the details in the first few chapters this would be a good story. But even with the problems I mentioned its still decent. I will definitely need to make time to read part two as soon as possible.
Barek 2006-12-12 ch 10,	abuseHello. I just finished reading your story. To start off, I will say that you might have the beginning of something cool here, if you work at some more. The story is interesting, and seems to move along very quickly. One thing that I would suggest (very strongly) doing, would be adding more detail. Detail such as the shape of a house, or maybe the color of something. And also, try to tell the reader more about each character's feelings. We would all like to know what exactly each person is feeling. Comma's are also a very important thing you need to start using a little more, lol. I noticed a few times where you could have used one as a break so that the sentence would make more sense. If you are trying to make it seem like something is all happening quickly, refraining from using comma's can help capture that. I will now continue onto the sequel to this story. :)
JJSLAM2129 2006-09-08 ch 10,	abuseHold on, wait a second... This isn't the ending you described to me yesterday. Trying to pull a fast one on me? Haha, just kidding XD. Huh. I thought that Chris had already joined the Nation Army to defeat the Que Army? Herrm, maybe I read it wrong. 'Don't worry about Veil'. Ha! Since I know the ending, that smells like foreshadowing to me. Whoops, I made a spoiler for the other readers... Anyhow, my overall general feeling for this story (or part 1 of the story) is as follows: --I didn't really feel a climax at the end. In a way, it felt like an episode on a TV show, but (the part I like most) it doesn't have a definite ending. It needs another episode to complete it. So, onto part deux!-- Sugesstions for improvement for part two: --add more details to almost everything and anything, ie: what they're wearing, what they're thinking at the moment, how things work, what things look like, and EMOTIONS. Do not forget those. They make for drama, and drama (when not in excess) can be good. That's my opinion tho'. --sentences/quotes: for some reason, the quotes keep ending at the wrong places. Please, please, read your story over (on the quick edit thing) before you post it! And vary your sentence structure! Hate to say it, but all those simple sentences, along with only a shallow amount of detail and thought, makes you writing seem juvienile. --The most tedious tip of all: read before you post. Check for grammar, spelling, typos and, yes, puncutation, including quotation marks. I'm nit-picky. What can I say? Well, that appears to be all I have to say. Have any questions? Feel free to email/IM me. Can't wait for part two! Here'sa cyber cookie for your thoughts! -> ( :: )
JJSLAM2129 2006-09-02 ch 9,	abuseYou're right, I did like it! Yes! Finally, descriptions! Ew... dead rat... Anyhow, I still have issues with the quatation marks. They end up in the wrong places. Sort of bothers me. I don't think there needs the be an ellipse (the "..." thing) when you say that they kissed. Makes it sound like you, the writer, are uncomfortable with writing that scene and feels sort of forced. Anyways, I'm happy there's now a decent amount of descriptions and can't wait for more! Here's a cyber cookie! -> ( :: ). Update soon!
JJSLAM2129 2006-08-30 ch 8,	abuseAw, how cute! Chris is denying his obvious feelings for Veil! Now, about chapter 7... oh, so he became a knight against his will? Hm, interesting. Well, I can definently see that this is third limited now. Now it makes a little more sense. I still, however, have issues with the missing commas. Maybe the enormous amount of red ink my seventh grade teacher used scarred me for life or something, but improper grammar and puncutation annoys me -_- . For instance: “I want to know Chris it is not a decision people make everyday.” That would be considered a runon, even if the sentence is a quote. I know that you're very proud of the idea of your plot (which you should be), but to say the least, you need to brush up on your puncutation and grammar. Hopefully that didn't sound too mean, but as a reviwer, that's how I feel. On to chapter 8! Let's see... I have issues with detail and time elements here. I assume they have some sort of electricity to run the airship, if there's a 'control station', so why haven't they figured out how to make flashlights, let alone lanterens? Yes, the trenchcoat was all nice and warm, but what's it made out of? Is it too big or too small for Chris? If both the sword and the coat are old, then that's going to mean that the coat might smell musty and the sword might be chipped and (not meaning to rhyme) rusty. Without all those kinds of details, the story seems very rushed. Again, not to sound mean. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or IM me. Here's a cyber cookie! -> ( :: ) Keep up the good work! Update soon!
JJSLAM2129 2006-08-21 ch 6,	abuseHow could I possibly forget to review? How silly of me. So, let's see... The quotation marks got messed up in a place, they were there too early. 9th line, were Veil starts talking about her intended plot. Grammar wise, everything looks alright. As for style of writing, you have a lot of simple and conjunction sentences, but nothing complex. You've got to vary your setence structure. However, if that's your style, I'm cool with that. Well, yes, you were right, you did make the Veil/Chris thing very obvious in this chapter. What's more interesting is that Chris may not like her back or is at the very least confused. Yeah for drama! shock Oh, not she (almost) didn't! (triple sassy snap) So that's why he started getting sleepy in the wagon... Why is that whenever a character is confused, the think alcohol will solve the problem? That only makes you more disoriented... Do continue, and update soon please! ...cyber cookie -> ( :: )
Dragon Jadefire 2006-08-19 ch 1,	abuseHi, Um...I'm Dragon Jadefire, she who was once The Dragon's Daughter. Um...you liked the story Temer. Well, I have my actual fiction posted. Its called To Walk The Green, please read it. ^_^ I just want so reviews, there is only nine chapters.
JJSLAM2129 2006-08-17 ch 5,	abuseHey Mark, So let's see what we've got... First off, there's some mechanical errors, meaing commas, periods, stuff like that. My grammar maven genes are itching, sorry. A lot of commas are missing, especially after names and interjections like "oh", "okay", "hey" and "hello". There are periods missing here and there. Here's an example of a sentence that needs to be fixed: “Okay (,) thank you (,) Veil (.) I will see you later.” There are also some apostraphies missing, including one in the title, which should read A Dark Knight's Tale. To reiderate what I said before, not a whole lot of descriptions where necessary. What does Veil's house look like? As of yet, I haven't really grown attached to any particular charcters. That might prove to be a downfall. You want a reader to grow attached to a character, someone they can identify with. How else can they be emersed into your world and the events taking place? Veil giggled when she told Chris to go to the warehouse to see her brother. Wouldn't Chris wonder why she's giggling? I would. Again, don't take any of these comments too seriously. It's for you to decided whether or not you want to listen to me. Keep on writing! Here's a cyber cookie for motivation. There are reduced fat, low calorie and high fiber ones available if you prefer. -> ( :: )
JJSLAM2129 2006-08-15 ch 4,	abuseI think it's great so far and I hope you continue. Grammar and mechanics wise, I don't see any blaring problems. Just a few questions about the story itself which I'm sure can be answered later in your story. -What exactly -is- the Que army, is it good/evil/both, and what does/did Chris do for it? What does the tattoo look like? -The names seem kind of sporatic. You have an English name (Chris), a new age name (Veil) and a Slavic name (Yer). Any reason for so many different origins? -Is this third person limited or omniscient? It seems so of vague becuase there isn't a whole lot of detail of anything. What are the character's thoughts? Where are they? What do they look/sound like when they talk? -Where the heck did the two masked guys from chapter 2 go? -Bad fever and severe burns? Sounds like either sun poisoning or being burned half to death. So what's Hellcat Fever? -Unless it's lined with downfeather pillows, the bottom of a wagon is none too comfortable. Even with some sort of padding, the road has to be bumpy. That's got to hurt an injured body. -You tend to use the words "said" and "asked" a bit too often. Use other synonyms that can express how a character is saying the pharse. -Besides Yer's green eyes, there hasn't been a description of anyone. The lack of detail makes the story feel sort of rushed. Don't take any of these questions offensively. Lord knows I can find myself asking the same sort of questions in my own writing. Actually, the more questions I ask, the more intereseted I am. I'll be back to read more! Because I would really like you to update, here's a cyber cookie for motivation! -> ( :: ) Update soon!
CitizenOfZozo 2006-08-04 ch 1,	abuseBit sudden ending for that chapter. If the narration is meant as third person limited, the last line is superfluous. If it's more of a third person omniscient, I would ease out of the scene a little smoother. Nice catchy beginning to the story, though. I'm left wondering about the airship mentioned in the beginning and what precisely is going on to bring Chris to this point. A little more proofreading would help, otherwise pretty well written.

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