heeyz, this isn't too bad of a start. interesting beginning. just one pointer. in the beginning, you mention the guy's eyes in which his corneas are bloodshot. that can't be possible. the cornea is an area over the iris and the pupil and it's avascular so there's no blood involved. you are probably thinking about the sclera- the white part of the eye. ;D just took a test on the eye and all the other special senses in anatomy. lol. and for the yellow appearance. i'm not sure. i keep remembering potc where there's this yellowish ring around their eyes so corneas can possibly be yellow along with the sclera. oh, and then you switched one sentence to third pov, but that's just minor stuff. anyway, thought i'd drop by. ^__^ the vampire community is a little deserted and i had completely forgotten about it until now. lol.

Hey, I followed your link here from the ultimate story list forum, and just read your ongoing story. I must say you have an excellent voice, and a lot of talent as a writer. Your plotting, scene setting, and your general voice were all very fantastic. You have a flair for this genre, and a brilliant sense of storytelling that comes through your work. Keep writing this particular story, I am curious to see what comes of it. You have a definite gift here. :)


P.S. My username over there is Mismonies, and here it’s obviously Penance for her sins.

Gah! I absolutely love your story! It's so original and I love how the story is quite unclear as of this moment. It's like I can almost feel Mark's confusion right now. :D Keep it up, I'm REALLY liking it so far!!

Interesting and captivating. Still wondering 'bout the title but there's only been one chapter so far, so I shouldn't complain. I like it. You're on my faves.