This is a very interesting theme and I think you portrayed it well - the formatting changes did well towards the emphasis. I particularly liked the lines 'his vanity/all of it's in vain' and 'as he blows himself kisses/I wonder if he misses me'. x iris.

Hallo my dearest! XD Okay, this is for Escaping the Shoah, but Fictionpress is being retarded and not letting me review more then once on one chapter… . Sorry.

As promised, I am writing a nice review.

Firstly, this is really, really good. Did you seriously only write this in the 8th grade? 0.0 Oh, gosh, I thought I was good at that age. Anyway, I am rambling…

The descriptions are marvelous, as are the emotions of the Nazi guards. You can really tell who is in control, etc… Also, Victoria is introduced nicely! I hope this isn’t a short story! (I’m kind of fearing it is…. Aw!)

The only problems I see is that

were naked when being shot into pits (most people wouldn’t know that, though).

2.I don’t know about you, but if my sister had just been shot dead by Nazi guards, and if I had just seen a vampire murder someone, I wouldn’t go up to the vampire and shake her hand. I’d be ballistic, crying, cowering in fear, etc… That is the response I expected the girl to have, and instead she just walked up to her. 0.0 It may even add some more depth to the story for the vampire to chase after her, etc… It would show the vampire, for some reason, cared for the girl (or pitied her), and you could play off of that.

thing—you are mixing German curse words with English. This is drawing to the fact you are not speaking in German. It isn’t a fault—if I were to in MOE (my acronym for “the music of eden”) be accurate, I would have to be speaking in early Italian. However, instead of drawing to the fact that I am not by sneaking in old Italian words, I put it in English, for why in the heck would someone in America read a book where everyone is speaking in old Italian? It’s the same thing here—I know a little German, so I understand that they are cursing—but most people not only would not, but they would be drawn to the fact you are speaking in English, which is wrong.

Please don’t be discouraged by the long negative feedback. I just like to elaborate on things. L It is easy to make one sentence statements about what someone does right; with what they do wrong it requires more explanation.

I’ll send you another personal email. Go ahead and reply here, however, if it is too much trouble. J

BTW: about Scheise…It is really, “Scheiße”, and the “ß” is normally represented by two ss’s, so it would be Scheisse. Don’t ask why I am explaining a German curse word. XD I’m not all that good at German, really.

Well written. :) Just a question for verse 3, isn't being a martyr when you've died for the cause of something good or something? I may be wrong, but that's what I thought. Otherwise, pretty good!