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| Accidentally on Purpose 2006-08-25 ch 1,   | The beginning is pretty, if a little cliche, but then the drowning in sin and withering in sin is repetitive. After that, I find the poem a little offensive. From the save yourself line at the end I'm assuming you mean the 'sin' of not being Christian. It would be much more powerful and universally applicable if the sin was one of murder or greed or something like that. Maybe this is just from my standpoint as a non-Christian, but the idea that not believing a human is the son of God condemns you to enternal suffering when your God is supposedly merciful and Jesus apparently died for your sins is incomprehensible. I'm not condemning your belief; I'm simply expressing distaste with the idea that it is your duty to try to convert others because otherwise tehy are sinners. If you truly want to save sinners, a better idea (in my opinion) would be to try to bring people out of poverty so they are not forced to commit crimes. I understand that you may disagree with me, but I can't understand why, if many Christian's beliefs are true, I will go to Hell, the creation of Christianity, the religion which talks extensively of a merciful God and 'his' son who 'died for our sins' but condemns people to eternal suffering. I'm sorry for the rant, the poem is definitely going in the right direction, I just get offended by statements like 'accept Jesus, save yourself'. |
| incognegro 2006-08-11 ch 1, | The theme of this poem is a really challenging one, and I think you're doing a good job stepping up to it. The only problem I have is the lines "drowning in sin" and later "withering away in sin." It seems repetitious to me. |
| andfound815 2006-08-11 ch 1, | I love the symbolism of the birds! _R&R my novel EARTHSTONES, please! |
| beatrice is hot 2006-08-11 ch 1, | So you have: 1) a peaceful imagefollowed by2) an inspiring image at this point you still have me, but you follow that up with: 3) a gruesome, tragic image?and then, immediately:4) Jesus! You lost me. You've attempted the vague poem's trademark fragments, meaningful diction, urgency and breathy tone but the arrangement of the fragments loses the direction of the poem. Were you painting a picture? Depicting a scene? Which one? It wasn't clear. Were you trying to inspire your audience to convert, repent, whatever? You gave little to no reason. Think about what you're trying to say. You're trying to spark hope and love in the hearts of your readers, trying to convince them to become a part of what you obviously think is important. But past, "Jesus is my savior" what are you trying to say? Poems need evidence, too. You don't have to say it bluntly. Imply. The implications here leave the reader wondering what they connotated. |