Well done. Takan's character held through to the very end.

as i'm not in a location to edit properly, im only going to comment on content. i love your description in the first two paragrahs. takan and chaza are so cute!'start on fire' is an unusual turn of phrase. 'hadn't dare to feel' typo.'of letting chaza she' typo.hehe. the queen is fun.i love how the story of the kings sons is unfolding. elfish! aw. he's bored.i do love your story so much. there are a couple more typos, but i think you'll easily find them with a readthrough.

I already know what's going to happen, so I'm not sure if I'm going to read as you update...but I might as well, if only to keep reviewing. Poor Chaza. D:

Only after I posted did I realize I TOTALLY skipped a chapter… x.x here goes:

““We’re almost there,” he said, as they reached the end of the hallway.” No comma after said.

Lol… the next chapter makes so much more sense about the brother stuff after reading this.

“it’s very similar to putting them on” ‘put’

“Next it’s mages, and there aren’t many of those.” Coma after ‘next’. I’m very excited about all this revealing stuff. It’s excellent that you took the time to work it all out with places and things.

There are so few errors in this chapter. =) I love the relationship you’ve created between Yelin and Ten.

As it’s been so long since my last review I’m going to concentrate most on grammar as I don’t think I’ll be able to catch inconsistencies that well… not that you probably have any anyways.

“He didn’t mind the prince, actually perhaps liked him.” I’m not sure if there should be commas around ‘perhaps’. I’d put them there myself, but they may not be required grammatically.

“Plus he had weird taste in friends” I think ‘had a weird taste’ would sound better.

“He kept himself to himself in any case” I don’t think the first himself is necessary.

“the first place, and he remembered with a start” I think ‘he remembered with a start’ should be its own sentence.

“Plus when you’re there you’re always trying to impress people” Comma after ‘Plus’.

“She put on a faux-deep voice and a swagger that Takan realized was a caricature of his own.” I really like the language you use in this line.

“ ‘Oh, what the hell…” There’s an extra space between quotes. Word doesn’t let you do it, making them face each other like so “’. However, if you put the space, and then get rid of it, they face in the right direction.

“I don’t know if you angels have family or what,” I don’t know if you’re capitalizing angels in your story, and I’m not sure if I’ve asked this before. If you are, I’m just bringing this part to your attention. Likewise, I don’t know if you’re capitalizing king and queen.

“Their eyes were the same deep brown that most Kahpems had, but while he was ferociously dark, she had dark gold ringlets that flowed down to her shoulders and pale skin.” I love the language you use here, but this sentence is quote confusing. You may want to specify who ‘he’ is, as well as that you switch from eyes to hair. Perhaps separating these into a couple of sentences would be a good idea.

“but huger and more ornate” lol… huger sounds strange to me, I’m not sure why. Love the word ornate.

“Its legs were carved like a lion’s, and the sides were carved with a pattern that resembled scales or feathers. It was covered almost entirely in gold leaf.” Perhaps find a synonym for carved. Also, ‘gold leaves?’

“We’re a bit lonely, up here” I don’t think there should be a comma there.

“another face around, since our daughters moved” I don’t think there should be a comma here either. Neither sentence can stand alone, so it’s more like one thought that shouldn’t be broken up.

“didn’t say anything, because she was chewing” no comma before because =)

“The queen was done eating as well but didn’t stand from the table.” As you start that paragraph by saying she didn’t stand I don’t think you need to repeat it. Perhaps combine the first and last sentence?

“(because the topic of death was not only not good conversation fodder for dinner, but also because death and talking about the dead, even in a positive light, scared the ** out of him)” love the word fodder =P and I especially like how you slipped ** into there. I think it shows off his character.

As always, you leave off your chapters in such a way that I want to read more. With over a month of summer break ahead I really do hope I can get through many more chapters. Your language is excellent, and the length of your descriptions are perfect. You tell us just enough without making us bored, yet we still see the surroundings.

Yelin and Ten are just-tragic. Very tragic. And what about Chaza? If she's dead I'm going to cry. I can't believe that the story is almost over! Uh, I don't want to think about it...

For some reason, the alert for this chapter was labeled as spam (probably because I deleted all of the other alerts for your story without reading them-technically I only need one alert). This chapter made me sad =( Poor Ten, all locked up and stuff. I can't wait to read what Yein makes of all this.

Wow, that's a huge amount of updates. And everything we talked about happened. Yelin's confession was so sad! And then his dad...yeah, lots of Yelin angst. At least Takan seems to get what's really happening now...sort of. But the angst! I'm sad. I hope Ten comes back. So anyway, these were good. I hope your writing spree hasn't ended yet =)

War? Geez, I don't remember that ever being mentioned...I wasn't expecting it, but it's not really an unpleasant surprise. It'll be interesting =) Good chapter!

Okay, I've read all 14 chapters, and while I'd like to review each one separately later, I'll do a general one right now.

By far the relationship between Takan and Chaza is the best element of the story. The "I'll see you in hell" line was easily the best, given the Chapter 13 description of Takan.

I like the unconventional profiling of four different characters from different points of view. Your setting descriptions are also very apt.

I noticed typos and grammatical errors along the way, but I won't nitpick those right now.

I think the dual plots concept (Takan and Chaza vs. Ten and Yelin) is interesting. I can't tell if the queen is good or evil. I only have one major plot question. If the queen and the un-royal king married for love, then why did he go cheating on her?

Good luck reviving this thing, the Ten and Yelin plot still has potential, while the Takan and Chaza one has gotten interesting to say the least.

Lol. This is a tad more difficult to do with only one monitor, but I’m getting it done! =)

Well, right off the bat you have a typo ;’) “The table was prepared, the foot put on”? do you mean food… or am I just not understanding what you mean x.x.

Hmm I think after you use a ‘:’ you don’t need to start with a capital letter, but I’m not sure about it. It’s something you may want to check =P and tell me about so I know.

“for gods’ sakes” I forget… does your story follow a theory of multiple gods?

O. Mystery about the prince unwinds. I sure love that character.

“and great tough warrior-kings, and Yelin was none of those.” I think you can separate that into two sentences. Just one as “Yelin was none of those.” It would be a more definitive statement that way and wouldn’t make the sentence seem so long.

In the next sentence you write “sir,””prince,” and “your majesty,”… I think the comma should go on the outside of the quotes because it’s more like you’re listing than it is Ten talking. Also, that sentence seems a little awkward on a first read… a comma after ‘your majesty’ on the outside of the quotes would make it clearer. I don’t know if my reasoning makes sense x.x

No comma before because.

“And yet Yelin somehow looked like a prince” Instead of “and yet” I think you should use “still” (remember the comma after still). It would sound strange if you just said “yet”… and… we know the other rule ;) bwahaha.

“and besides Ten liked the anonymity” I know it may seem like a lot of comma’s in that sentence… but it should be “and, besides, Ten liked”.

Hmm. You say that Yelin usually wore dark colors and earth tones, but then he’s wearing a silver cloak. Perhaps you should explain why this is so (is it proper to only wear that type of clothing during dinner?), or change the color of the cloak.

“But now the prince spoke.” I don’t really think you need that sentence at all. Lol. You already said “Yelin piped up”, so it would make sense that now he spoke.

““Hey, that’s where Shlivsa is,” said Chaza cheerily. “And the Tower, too, of course.”” It should be… ““Hey, that’s where Shliva is,” said Chaza cheerily, “and the Tower”

In the next part, even though he’s speaking, you should put the but in lowercase.

That entire part with Ten explaining should be edited so it’s not one giant sentence. =/ If you make it grammatically sound you’ll have a lot of “blady blady bla, but blady blady blady, but etc”

“and the customer is always right,” lol. Typo there. That should end in a period.

Hahahahaha… making breakfast with mercenaries paralyzed in your bedroom. That’s priceless.

“and the only thought going through my mind is, **, if word gets out we screwed this one up, we’re reuined. Ruined.” You should put the part starting “**, etc etc” into the single quote to indicate thinking. So it’d be: my mind is, ‘**, if word’ etc etc.

LOL!

Something about the way Ten talks is a little strange. It could just be my expectations of him talking in this really classy sophisticated sort of way, but it just was weird. It was like the image of him suddenly turned into this really quick talking 15 year old boy. Lol Maybe that was the point. =P.

=/ Hmm. Something about Yelin saying “shut up” also appeared out of character. It’s more like something Chaza would say, don’t you think? (x.x I know I’m totally interfering with what you made of the characters. I just want you to know what’s getting across if you meant it intentionally or not.

Hehehe… my brother’s hair brushes itself! Only… it doesn’t really. He’s 6’1” and it’s down to his waist. It’s more like a mess of something. =P When he puts his fencing past on he looks like a lion. It just grows out everywhere… now back to the story.

What’s a “sellsword”
LOL HAHAHAHA. Wow. I love this conversation about hair they’re having!

You always end these chapters so perfectly. This is definitely one of your strong points in writing. In character chapters, hilarious situations, and chapter endings are what I’ve noticed.

That is so unbelievably cute that I think I may die now. The whole "I'll see you in hell, then." thing? So romantic (in an odd way) and yet completely hilarious. I'm hapy. I think I'm going to fall over giggling.

Alright, I finally got a moment to myself to read your chappy. Sorry it’s been taking me so long to get through everything. I’m a very very slow reader and I want to make sure not to miss anything as I’m going through. With apologies out of the way, and you saying long reviews are good for your health… let’s see what I can do. =)

“She touched her teeth with her tongue without thinking, and felt as if her taste buds had evaporated.” And it felt as if her?

“Chaza was shocked into wakefulness because for what felt like years, she had not felt anything.” Comma after because.

And right after that (hehe) comma after “she had not felt anything” and lowercase a in and.

And then comma after “a few moments” and lowercase a in and. (For these grammar errors using ‘find’ in word will usually get you the area I’m talking about... just in case you don't do that already.)

No comma before ‘because’.

You should go through this chappy and put a comma before every but and and you use. Almost all of them can just continue the previous sentence so it’s a quick fix. (I know I say it every chapter x.x and I know you know… but I feel like if I don’t say it I’m not saying all I can possibly say.)

A lot of your characters start their sentences with “Oh” and then going on. Maybe a different start of a sentence or just getting rid of some of them. =/

Watch the word “frown”.

““Well, if you don’t see Takan,” Chaza said slowly, “then who do you eat with?”” Did you mean ‘if you don’t see Ten’

Lol. I really love the conversation with herself.

Hmm. Later on you start a lot of the sentences consecutively with “she”. I know this is a tough one, but it adds a nice ring to the ear if you manage to start each sentence (or most) with a different word. Even connecting sentences sometimes makes it sound better.

x.x omg Takan sounds so beautiful, and cute, and and I love him! Hehehe. The description of his hands is so nice. It’s short, but sweet, and I feel like I’m practically looking at them too as I read. You get into Chaza’s head so well.

It seems at this point of the chapter you start writing a lot more clearly and with less errors. Either that or I totally just fell in love with their talking to each other that I started ignoring anything I saw. I rather think it’s a combination of both because I think both statements are true. Just about when he walks in your language (in the writing) jumps two fold in complexity, and this is a great thing, trust me. I got a big smile from this chapter. Hopefully I’ll get to the next one soon.

See, look? I read it! Happy? Well, I think that story is progressing nicely. I really love the queen's attitude, she just makes me laugh. Poor Chaza and Takan, though, they're just so confused about their feelings. And I finally learn more about the twin...you never told me much about him. So, I can't wait for the next chapter.

Some pointers would be wonderful! Thank you for offering to teach me, the only things I really know how to do is review, and post stories. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
and thank you for updating! I love Ten!