Reviews for Sheherezad, Return to Me

Reviews For: Sheherezad, Return to Me

steev 2006-11-01 ch 1,	abuseTitle: If you meant Scheherazade/Shahrazad (& the allusion that it would create wouldn't make a lick of sense), you need to proofread your work before you post it. If not, the name is a red herring (or overly obtuse), & meaningless. L1: "butterfly fluttered" is a cliche description of a cliched image, as is the usage of a butterfly as a symbol for innocence. Caves are dark, so the description of one as such is superfluous. On the whole, this lacks music, making it more prose than poetry. L2: "being" confuses the tense of the sentence. Butterflies have bright wings, so, as before, you pointing out an obvious thing is using a superfluous adjective. The phrase "swallowed by the ... shadows" is a cliche. L3: Despair is an abstraction. Ever heard of show, don't tell? What her? The butterfly? Is this a clumsy introduction of another character (a pronoun lacking an antecedent), or is the butterfly suddenly the possessor of shoulders? Either way, despite intent, this is nonsensical as is. L4: Comparing despair (what is weighing on the shoulders of something) to bells (announcing the weighing) is a bad, illogical metaphor. Why sudden & immediate doom- & how does a "midnight clock" (does it tell times other than midnight) toll like that? L5: Black smear of what? The darkness? If so, the "all-encompassing shadows" doesn't make sense- that's certainly more than a smear. The image of white & black is trite. L6: Why would anyone reach into a black smear for sunlight & warmth? The action taken by whatever/whoever this is makes no sense. Playful/sunlight/laughter/warmth- cliches in context, & esp. when thrown together. L7: what paint what stream & why is it ebony & why can she see it inside the cave with the whole "all-encompassing shadows" & all L8: "naive innocents" is redundant as used here, & it's ridiculously vague. "ran from the mouth of the darkness" "beneath the willow tree"- So we're not in the cave? Huh? Make sense- the reader doesn't know what you're blathering about if you don't have the decency to tell them. O, hell, I give up. Stuff like "sang charmingly", "unadorned feet", "cold darkness", "dark, impenetrable", "quiet sorrow", "soft moonlight", "twinkling with tears", "hours of grace"- Aww, and so on: these are all cliches. "evenescent"- Actually, it's "evanescent", & NO. Learn how to spell. "quiet sorrow in the ephemeral wake", "universal truths",- These is meaningless, & the rest of this (or all of it) is a cliched jumble of abstractions. "had faded into a world of grays"- The cave was "dark, impenetrable", & a bunch of other crap that you used to so strongly impress that the cave was very black, & then it's gray? Read your own poem. Try to have it make sense.
Cyro Kraken 2006-10-22 ch 1,	abuseI could almost see it happening I love this poem you were right♥
Theory Of The 4th Dimension 2006-09-13 ch 1,	abuseThe message is beautiful, but I would have to agree with the last reviewer that this would actually be a better story than a poem. I'm not saying this is bad, I just think the potential to the piece is still not quite fully tapped at.
abstractelysium 2006-09-12 ch 1,	abuseOk, I'm returning the favor. This seems more like a lyric story than a poem. (Is that cliche, since you said mine wasn't a poem? I don't mean it that way.) Don't get me wrong, it's nice, but doesn't leave you with that sort of oomph a poem does. Am I making sense? I hope so. Anyway, nicely done. Watch for grammar mistakes. abby

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