|Reviews for Ice and Fire|
| Psalmista 6/26/12 . chapter 3
OK... I like the concept and started reading the story, thinking, "Wow. This has the makings of a story I wish I'd written." By the time I got to this part, however, I can't help but wish that you put more descriptions of the setting and the characters.
You seem to rely a lot on dialogue to make the plot move along and there are a lot of names being thrown in, with barely any background on who the people are. Don't get me wrong... I'm intrigued. I just wish you could paint a scene for me. This story is set in a different world and as a reader, I'm hoping you can ignite my imagination by painting this world out for me and making me understand its characters and their motivations and why I should care about them.
Anyway, I'll be reading on... :) Just thought I'd leave some constructive criticism before I proceed. I hope I've helped in one way or another. :)
| B 4/2/12 . chapter 13
Sooo... Which kingdom do they rule?
| B 4/2/12 . chapter 1
Wait... He what and what? I gotta know how this ends;) lol
| Lily Among Thorns '98 8/12/09 . chapter 2
This is very interesting. I look forward to reading more. One critique that I would mention is verb tense. In reading this chapter, it seems you switch from past to present. i.e. "The pheonix mermaid smiled as she..." but there is also "...Herito, a boy with an unusually quick mind, is nearing the end..."
Most fiction is written in past, because when you tell a story of what has happened to you, you usually tell it in past tense. 'this happened, and then this, and then they did that, etc.'
Newer writers have begun writing in all present tense, but it's not always accepted and has a sense of urgency.
The biggest thing is consistency, to always use the same tense from beginning of the story to the end (with the exception being what the characters say in dialogue).
Hope I didn't overwhelm you, but if you need anymore explanation on what I was trying to say, lemme know.
God bless! And keep writing for Christ!
| Stargazer05 6/14/09 . chapter 13
| l3g3nd 4/27/08 . chapter 13
Haha interesting story you've there. It's cute, really. :P
Anyway, happy writing. Keep up with your good works!
| l3g3nd 4/27/08 . chapter 3
Hey, I like the idea of your story, but some elaborations are needed in order to make the story more alive.
I know you can do that. Hehe...
Anyway, happy writing.
| ihrtbks 8/29/07 . chapter 13
Well-written, with an engaging plot. I enjoyed! A bit sparse though, describe a little more, go a little slower. Don't switch your tenses up. This story shows a lot of potential!
| Renu K 8/15/07 . chapter 13
You did a good job taking your time with the climax. I also like how you threw in an epilogue to wrap it all up. Keep writing stories like this and you'll have plenty of fans to back you up!
| jenny 8/14/07 . chapter 11
i love your story its really cool.
heres some cookies from me.
| Renu K 8/10/07 . chapter 11
The story keeps getting better and better. The only thing I'm worried about is the climax when everything comes together for the characters. I hope you won't rush it like the rest of the story where you skipped some of the character development by jumping years. Nonetheless, I'm definitely looking forward to your next chapter!
| I can't finish a single story 8/9/07 . chapter 1
I read the prologue and i think you have a good idea, but i am having trouble visualizing it. Try to add more detail.
I can't finish a single story
| Dancing In Magic 8/9/07 . chapter 11
Ohh, this is really good! I hope you update soon!
| Velorien 7/31/07 . chapter 10
Your writing is ambitious in terms of story, which is good, and you've put some thought into your background in terms of magic and history - and a coherent setting is always your friend. I also like your puns, but try to keep them subtle - "Saphrubia" is excellent, whereas "Elementa" is a bit too obvious given all the elemental magic, and breaks suspension of disbelief.
Unfortunately, a proper account of the ways in which I think you can improve is rather too long to fit in a review panel like this (though I'd be happy to try and put it into a PM, if yours were enabled, or an e-mail). In short, take your time over your writing. You definitely have good characters, so establish them gradually instead of skipping years at a time. Give us a paced introduction to a new character rather than rushing to tell us what they say in a given incident (for instance, we meet Susan from Chapter 1, but only find out who she is in a casual reference in Chapter 6). Spend more time describing magical training - the effort and the gradual refinement of skills (a great chance to use your own imagination as to what learning magic might be like; make JK Rowling green with envy). And consider realism - for example, can you imagine any real-world king writing such a direct and informal letter as yours do to each other, or a servant girl casually asking a prince personal questions?
Finally, be pedantic about your English. Make sure punctuation distinguishes thoughts, words and descriptions from each other. Brush up your comma use (advice I would give 90% of the population). Perhaps use italics instead of underlining for emphasis (underlining reminds people that they're reading text, rather than immersing themselves in a story). Oh, and proofread. Seriously, you don't want to use "you" instead of "your" regularly if you're aiming for professionalism, and you really don't want to talk about "Lard Mike" (another character who is never really introduced).
Keep writing, and keep working to improve yourself, because I can tell you that my first fantasy stories easily had as many problems as yours. Let me know if I can be of any further help.
| Renu K 7/16/07 . chapter 10
I like how you added in the element of Herito's compassion for the people by having him force himself away from the begging children. I wondered if you would keep in the element of leadership in Herito's character, and I'm glad you did. I read over your last chapters too and I like the changes you made. Keep it up!