I do like this story (which is one of the reasons I came back and reviewed it again!) and this chapter is better than the first.

As I said before, I really like the plot - it works very well indeed. I think that the characterization of Yoko and Hiro is cool; they are two young people caught up in something bigger than they are, and yet they are having fun. The way you have shown characterization is neat as well - I liked the two comments about living with people. That also established Yoko's promiscuity, very good characterisation!

Their dialog is good - very good, in fact. I really love it. And this leads to a plausible relationship - flirty, cool, hip - and the comments from Hiro about being a bit of a lady killer seemed entirely in place. Sure, he's cocky - but we see Yoko warming to him and pretty much eating out of his hand. Very well done - it's not easy to establish that sort of relationship in so few lines.

I think that the narrative in this chapter is stronger than the previous one - before it seemed a little rushed, as if you were trying to get to this point. But, now you are here this story is proceeding at a great pace. I really like it a lot, and it's definitely appropriate for the source material.

Our hero, Hiro (!) has a great narrative voice as well, he sounds like the young Japanese type we see in mangas and other Japanese art. There isn't anything which I can specifically note there, it's just the whole tone and feel. You've really got inside his head, and I do like that a great deal. Whatever you did with that to make that narrative voice work, stick with it! :)

One of the points of complaint I might have is that the other characters (esp. the guys who object at the meeting) seem a little flat and a little cardboard cut out. They aren't terribly real to me - although I suppose that's not a serious issue because of the great characterization of the two leads.

There are a few points of grammar and spelling which I think need work - perhaps just a read through, or a beta-reader? They don't distract from the plot (which is, as I mentioned before, an awesome idea - Heroes meets Armageddon!) too much, although they are sometimes a wee bit annoying.

I like this story - it isn't hugely exciting right now, but I do want to read more. It's a well-drawn world, and that draws me in. I care about Yoko and Hiro (although I don't care so much about the whole world! You might want to take a look at that - perhaps by expanding the first chapter?) which is no mean feat. Good work indeed.

Okay, I came here from "The Review Game" which I thought would be fun! Anyway, I am unfamiliar with manga in general - but it seems to be a pretty big genre, so I am sure that I can work my way through this. Ironically enough, one of my own stories is mecha (which is often found in manga, I seem to remember) although it is not manga. Odd.

The opening of the story (the whole of chapter one) is good - it's a solid "Armageddon" style opening, the sort of thing that you would expect to see in a movie trailer or somesuch. If this is what you are going for, then great - but it might be a nice idea to take the information in here and maybe rework it, change it around so that it is presented as narrative, or newspaper reports, or something.

Maybe if you took the elements in this opening chapter, and repeated them - in a number of different formats. You have established that the various saviors are perhaps opposed to each other, and maybe come from different places? I think it might be cool if you could have a "chapter one and a half" which showed some dialog of these people in there, or maybe some military orders, discussions in congress / parliament about it?

I think that the technique you've used throughout this piece of work (of naming chapters after bits of the Bible, and having the people called saviors) is a cool one, and one which is (while often used) very effective.

The plot itself is, as I said before, something that has been done before. It is, however, such a cool plot that it doesn't matter. And you do present it very well indeed - I am genuinely interested in reading onwards.

The pacing is VERY fast. I think this wouldn't be a problem if you wrote some extra stuff in there - like discussing how the world works, where the proof came from, what the crime was like. As it reads at the moment, this opener is perhaps TOO fast. There are things I want to know more about. I know this is just the opener, and you are wanting to get to the meat of the story pretty quick, but it might be nice to slow it down a shade

Some of the spelling in the first chapter is a little off - I think just running it through a spell-checker would fix a lot of that. There are a few minor issues with grammar, as well. But they don't distract from the work very much.

Anyway, this is a promising opening in a quite unique style and the central plot (sort of Armageddon meets Heroes?) is pretty cool. It's very good indeed.

I'm not really good at constructive criticism, but I say there is really nothing wrong with the plot or story. You're good at writingfrom what I see. I like this story. See you around

Peace

Darket

This was good, but slow, but you said it was and it's a drama, so there's not much that can be done for that. Anyway, there's just one thing I would mention about this:

'Would anyone be able to come up with someone to save mankind? Doubtful.'

Shouldn't that be 'come up with someTHING' since he's talking about a device that could save the world, not the person who could create it? It's just that you go on in the next sentence to exapnd on it, saying 'something' instead of someone, and it got a bit confusing.

Otherwise, another good chapter!

Oh...nice, right now this sounds like it could've been inspired by Armageddon, but I'll go on and read the rest before I jump to any actual conclusions...Great start, though!

Cool...AHH! A person like me!! Normally I make up the story as I go along, because it let's me put in new ideas and constantly change things... Yes, I'm finally being a good Dragin and R&R-ing you. Boy, am I glad I did! This is awesome! ^-^

I can only say that it it also somewhat disturbing. Oh well, I wish I could write serious stuff, most of my serious stuff sucks. -_-

Yesh, I like this. I really like the title, it's so totally COOL!

Thanks for the reveiw!

Lots'a Love,

Starlite-Dragin

This seems good so far. And making up the plot as you go sounds like fun. Good luck with that.