Wow, that's just wow. I did not see that coming at all. That was so good. At first I was mad that Jared left, because he promised, but after reading that, I guess I get it. Your story was so good!

-tears streaming down face-
Poor Alex, poor Jared...

Goshums...

-sniffle-

L
-x-

The ending was kind of confusing the first time I read it. Obviously, I get it now.

It was...odd. I mean, the writing was excellent, as always, but there was something a little off about it. And Jared's character was just so random.

I don't get the end...

0_0 Oh. I expected something like that, really...eh...yeah. I liked it, though.

- Des

wow, really great piece. i literally felt a chill as i read the last few paragraphs. nicely done! keep writing, you're great. and creepy sidenote...i go to Rutgers and i know a jared there.

wow this story is so beautiful
i really liked it-fav

I find it really weird that she can put so much trust into Jared, who she has never met before, when everyone in her life has abandoned her.
Woah! i was definitely not expecting that ending.
but i'd like to see your original ending as well.
this was well written. great job.

This was an interesting story that defied first impressions. I wasn't sure what to make of Alex at first, but towards the middle, it seems you were portraying her as a messed-up young woman who desperately needed someone to slap some sense into her. That is, until the ending.

The part about Jarad running away and Alex looking at the computer to find out he died; is that part of the new ending?
There's actually a error in the paragraph structure at around that point in the story, which looks to be where you might have added something. The thing is, this part adds shock value, but it also renders the lesson of the story (Jared's speech to Alex) as pointless, and Alex goes back to justifying her negative view of the world. I'm not sure how this is serving the overall narrative.

To me, it's like if George Lucas made a new edit to Star Wars where Darth Vader takes his mask to reveal Kermit the Frog. I think I'd like to see your original ending, because it might fit the story better.

Wow. This story is really... wow. That's all I can say for now. Lol.

>> Songs In My Pocket

Wow, now that was interesting. It's like nothing I have ever read before.

I like how you keep to Alex's personality although I kind of wonder why she would go to and feel safe with someone she remembers from three months ago than one of her friends or family members. I also think that it would be more convincing if you made Alex meaner to Jared when she drops her stuff because she seems to go from extreme anger and snapping at the store employee to calm and sorry for running into someone.

It might also seem a little more real if you added a couple lines in-between him say he will never leave and then him actually leaving.

Good detail and grammar. I can't wait to read more!
~Meghan from reviews_found

The only problems were how easily she accepted a stranger talking to her about herself (stalking really) and how there was onlt one jared felix online...
otherwise it was really good, ending especially.

Great, yet sad short story. (: It really makes you think. Once again, I must comment on the fact that I saw no typos and the great details that you've added. It was a real treat to read. (: Keep it up.

Oh, and I was also wondering how this story fared in the contest you mentioned.

Wow...that was very..wow.

The ending bit was powerful, no doubt. The middle seemed a bit...meh. It was a mix of improbability and well-written intrigue; it wasn't overly spectacular, but it was a good build-up-stage-setting-thinger for the conclusion.

It seemed a bit far-fetched that she would blow off an employee like that...I mean, not everyone is happy doing their job, and boredom can be easily picked up. I guess it was sort of necessary to show her past and her personality, but I think the beginning would be better if you found a way to get around that.

I liked the mysterious feel of this short...and I still have goosebumps because..yeah. Creatively creepy.

I liked how you went from ["Oh God." I whispered, staring up at the ceiling. "How do you do this to me?"]..to.. [God, how I hate what I do to myself.] It gave a nice sense of time and reality.

The repetition of "three months ago" made it seem like it would have greater importance somewhere in the story. I thought the "chill-factor" of the end could've been increased if Jared died three months ago..but yeah. Three months, three years--what's the difference? :P

Anyways, nice piece. Moving, unique, scary, painful, and angsty. Well done. :)

;)becky

I have mixed feelings about your story. The ending was powerful, of course, but the rest was a little lacking. My main complaint is that it wasn't very believable. However, the voice well executed.