I liked how you used the Jack&Jill theme. If you had just made this as a regular poem, it wouldn't have worked for you. You made it gorgeous.

In the line "(she may
be an attention **, but
.him enough to expect him to trust her))", I'm thinking there should be something (another word, maybe?) before the period. Before him. It just doesn't seem to flow well enough the way it is.

-Review Marathon love, the link's on my page.

O-O! aw! i love the poem!

Hi, I'm very sorry - I don't have AIM. The closest thing I have is MSN Messenger (my email address for that is right there), if that helps at all...

OKay I just HAVE to say the to the reveiw 'sothetruthhurts' gave you:

YOU ** LOSER! How can you reveiw someone when you don't write poetry yourself? How long have you been on this ** website!?!?! Don't you know that when words a highlighted, underlined, italiced and whatever else it is to add impact to them... to make them stand out in the readers mind?! ** OFF! I am guessing you don't have any writing so you don't have to read these messages. If you ask me 'sothetruthhurts' maybe it hurts too much for you too understand completely waht writing is. It doesn't need to be perfect, I don't know about anyone else on this site but when I read something I want to wros to connect with me emotionally, for them to draw me in, give me an image and leave me breathless, whatever you say, AliceisDying is one of the few people on this site that have managed to do that for me. I have studied poerty, Shakesphere, writers and playwriters of all sorts and I am sorry but you don't know ** ** ALL ABOUT BEAUTIFUL AND EMOTIONAL POETRY! If you ask me you deserve to be hung drawn and quartered, how DARE YOU! If you EVER critise ANYONE else like that you will be getting more than just a reveiw BUDDY! I don't like ** LIKE YOU who have to put others own so you can feel SPECIAL AND POWERFUL! Go get ** and I hope you learn something!

To AliceisDying. I'm sorry but people like that really frustrate me, they don't know **. I liked this, you have a really good way with words, ignore people like that because they are not worth the ground under their feet and the molicules they live off in the atmosphere, I want to see people like that spontaniously conbust so I can laugh in their face. They insulted almost everyone on this site in that reveiw and I will not stand it!

It is an awesome poem dude and don't let ANYONE get you down because they are not worth you or your time if they do *hugs* it is a great poem.

Hidden Lies

OK, let's begin.

First of all, I am nothing to do with the person 'sothetruthhurts'. But, crude as his/her message was, I think there's something in there you should take away. It's no use just saying 'well clearly they're a sick individual' or something. Maybe they are. But they still chose you three to review like that, and I think that has to mean something. Yeah, it was discovering that review elsewhere that made me discover this poem, but quite frankly, they have a point.

That over, a small disclaimer: yes, I'm going to criticise your writing. Note, writing, not life. Whether you are a little ray of sunshine or not is absolutely none of my concern, and if you'll forgive my bluntness, I don't intend to make it so. I'm a writer, and where necessary an editor; this is no more personal than that.

Having said that, if you do have some huge problem with my reviewing technique I freely offer up my e-mail address (biro_and_compass@yahoo.com) for your whinging needs. I'd rather you didn't spam the review system though; it's just a matter of pride. Thanks.

OK, onto the poem.

Well, my first thought is basically to get rid of the formatting. The occasional bit of emphasis in italic or bold is alright. A bit past its best, these days, but alright. But all the unnecessary parantheses and s p a c e d o u t w o r d s is, quite frankly, just annoying. It breaks up the reading and irritates the reader; surely not the effect you're going for.

To the poem itself, then. Whilst there's some half-decent imagery in here, it's scattered and heavily mixed with cliche - "laden downwith a full bucket, he’ll never fly for her again" - I like the idea of Jack being laden with full bucket but where does the flying thing come from?! If you're trying to make a point about the rhyme, stick to the rhyme, don't throw in the religious allegory. It just confuses things.

What else? Yes, the cliche. I've seen nursery rhymes/fairytales turned into angsty poetry many-a-time, and whilst I've never come across this particular nursery rhyme used like this before, the idea's pretty much unoriginal, at least.

Also, another huge cliche of angsty teenage poetry is that it's always, always about some form of lost or unrequited love. Which of course can only end in PAIN. Sigh. Yes, this is not much fun, and when you're a teenager it can seem like the only thing in the world. But there's not. There is pain so much more acute than this, so much more suffering in the world.

What about people who sleep on park benches every night, freezing, vulnerable and alone with only the bitter knowledge that when the sun comes up, it might get a bit warmer? What about drug addicts, prostitutes, single mothers unable to support their children, people accused of crimes they didn't commit? Surely, if you're so into the idea of pain and suffering, there are a few things that hurt a bit more than the good old cliche of lost love.

Anyway, that's what I'd recommend. Your words are good, but the ideas stringing them together are intrinsically flawed. Have a bit of a rethink.

Thanks,The Watched.

For some reason, I think of an old, decrepit woman spinning thread in a dungeon waiting for her true love to come back - but of course, he never will.

I love this poem. And your pen name.

"all the while wishing he’d come back and/put her together again."

i know that exact feeling- when you're so desperate that you'd even call on a lost love to make you feel whole again. this is a very cutting poem, & its simple enough, yet it holds deep, deep meaning. fantastic job.

ex oh ex

- Lacey

p/s: i changed my name from Emergency Room Romantic to the current (if.these.bullets.could.talk).

"(she’s lost her Jack because hedidn’t trust her to keep her panties up when he wasn’t around (she maybe an attention **, butshe.loved.him enough to expect him to trust her))"

Yes, I can truly relate to that. So many men have broken my heart over stupid things like that. I think I've become absolutley stolid around men.

I know, I tend to use the same thing in all my reviews, but this poem is so beautiful. They all are. I love them so much. I love the melancholy feel, I love how I can somehow relate to most of them (sorry if that bothers you), I love the absolute dark feel of them. I love how they grip my heart and seem to never let go.

Alright, so, first of all, I'd like to thank you so so so much for your compliments in the reviews you left on my pieces. You have no idea how much that means, thank you.

Second, I've read several of your pieces, and they're completely amazing. Your style is so unique and wonderful, and I absolutely love it. It's so full of emotion and so many things I just can't describe; I love it. Beautiful, beautiful work. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your stuff.

Thanks 4 mi review, i love it wen ppl have enuff guts to say how they think...and u no wot, i liked ur poem, very oringal and very angsty..its great...and to the writer 'sothetruthhurts' go to hell, u dont no true talent of writers coz u aren't one. This wuld be going in ur profile, but ur a coward 4 not posting. Dont ever review good poems with remarks like that ever again, THAT makes me sick...and 2 wish ppl to die..THAT is sick...and u are a patheticm coward.

To Alice is Dying: Soz, if this becomes a chat room coz of that review and my response. I really like ur poem, its very good..and ignore what that tool of a writer says, u have lots of talent^_^

~sacred-phoenix-nephthys~

i like the whole view from jack and jill. like how you use stories of characters in your writing, gives a pre established sence of it, a stronger connection i think. good writing, if a bit sad for my taste.

I’m giving this review to three people: she’s not breathing, never forget what I lost, and alice is dying. I’m giving you all the same review because you three have become a little trio on fictionpress. You all review each other. And you all need to hear the same message.You three are incredibly poor writers. You write the same boring, cliché, trite ** over and over, and people review it and praise it because it’s the current flavor of the month. Everyone’s thirsty for heartbreak, and you keep spelling it out in the same words. Your work is repetitive and boring. Sure, you’re getting plenty of praise – but that’s only because you three are slightly above the average trash on this website. You’ve got review numbers people envy, and when the losers on this site see that, they think you MUST be the epitome of excellent poetry. They’re wrong. You’re nothing but crowd pleasers and pathetic teenagers who are stuck in a rut, writing about your oh-so-tragically-emo lives.

You are so predictable and fake it makes me sick.

And then there’s your absolutely terrible format. It’s almost funny the way you pretend that all your parentheses and bold and italics and underlining really means something. It’s doesn’t. It’s just a crutch that you use to make yourselves look deep and extensional. You’re not. You’re shallower than a puddle and every single one of your words is either meaningless, cliché, or boring.

Stop writing about tragedy and make yourself one… please kill yourselves. You’ll be doing the whole world a favor.

"he'll never fly for her again" - my God, this is so beautiful & personal & - wow. the ending is perfect allusion. it hurts to read.

~kait

jack and jill... lolsry. (haha) i like your poem. awesome.

**, this is incredible. so raw, so painful, just to read it, it's hurtful. 'he didn't trust her to keep her panties up when he wasn't around (she may be an attention **, but she.loved.him enough to expect him to trust her))' -- possibly the most raw, beautiful, painful and cutting lines i've read in a while. amazing. this is beautiful, but the pain ... it's too much. incredible work, but you don't deserve the feeling behind it.

♥ alison