FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| spiderfly 2007-11-16 ch 1,  | abuseThis is so powerful. I'd like to see some more punctuation, but I understand that it's your style. Sometimes it feels like reading it in my head, I can't take a breath because it just flows on. But the story is horribly sad and felt keenly by your reader. Nice job. |
| upinstars 2007-11-04 ch 2, | abuseThe first version was good but the second version was even better. It was so intense. Great writing. |
| lucidspiritdreamer7 2007-11-02 ch 2, | abusea very tragic,very true story, but a wonderful read. |
| rust phoenix 2007-11-02 ch 2, | abuseIt is more gripping and memorable than the first one (which was good too, but only the basic idea stayed with me, wheras the words themselves had more texture to them here). I would pick out my favorite lines, but that would make for a huge review. I can tell you put a lot of time and thought into this, and it's also very inspired. I get a lot of pictures in my head from reading the poem, and the emphasis on characters makes it seem to me kind of like a really good short story. The combination of themes is much more effective in the revised version. The emotion is clear - it sounds quite angry at some points, and tired and detatched at others, but you make the shifts in a way that they work. |
| Stormer 2007-04-08 ch 1, | abuseWow. This was so very intense! Very dark but realistic too. A little cynical, one might say. Tragically honest. I think a lot of us forget a little bit every day, every week, whatever. Still, our thoughts return to those we've lost now and then. It may lessen over time but I doubt it goes away entirely, ever. Not for those who knew the lost person. |
| shola 2006-08-26 ch 1, | abusethe only hands that will ever touch his child, hold his child are those of the man in red-stained surgical scrubs and the disposable gloves Sentimental, but oh so very effective. I really like this. It would be very easy to make this kind of piece awful and preachy. But you seem to have a really talent for injecting these sorts of situations with a genuine human quality. Tis difficult to do. Nicely done |
| Aslan Israel 2006-08-25 ch 1, | abusewow. such a heartbreaking story weaved in... all of them were. i cried. |