FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| WhiterThanNight 2006-08-28 ch 1,  | abusewow. that was amazing. i loved it. but the ending could've had some explanation as to what was going on. like she was mentaly insane or something in a mental hospital. a doctor could've come in and saw her dead or something. o mysterious deaths are kool. |
| Arrows 2006-08-28 ch 1, | abuseInteresting. Very unique description. To make this flow even better, I suggest omitting the 'or' in the phrase 'Bits of plaster shifted and caved, OR littered the floor around her.' Also, 'the plan brown toast on its plate was cold and dry' - I think you can omit 'on its plate' all together. If not, then it should at least be changed to 'on THE plate'. Those are just a couple things I picked up on, but I hesitate to mention anything else because your style is obviously so your own, and I don't want to intrude. Overall, this little piece was quite awesome :) |