Reviews for Kara's Key - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Kara's Key - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Disturbly 2007-11-15 ch 1,	abuseHello then. I saw your comments on my submissions to Stop the Press on its review page, and I wanted to thank you. If I was able to provide any inspiration, then my work is done; my own forte is with ideas and concepts rather than any stylistic genius, so that was what I was going for. And just as an aside, "Disturbly" does, in fact, translate to "godly"; in modern, conversational English. Them other jokers be tryin' to have what I didn't had, but they ain't be tryin' to do what I didn't do, you know wha' I'm sayin'? cough cough Sorry about that; I seem to have fallen under the delusion that I was gangsta'. Enough nonsense; review now. 1)The phone rang. It was around two-thirty or three o’ clock—the clock on the wall was slow, so I could never be exact. A functional opener; you establish your POV, and the slow clock is a nice touch of the mundane in a fantasy story. 2)My mom constantly bugs me about it, but you can only care so much about depth perception. Nice; that was a clever observation. 3)I grabbed a can of soda from the fridge and headed out the door. Personally, if I were writing this, I would used the opportunity to add some more detail. Even something as trivial as the brand or flavor of soda a character prefers can be used to flesh out their personality. Maybe they're fond of an obscure flavor of Sour Pineapple Shasta that no one else drinks, for example. Or perhaps they're an infatuate of an esoteric brand; Moxie, if that's still commercially availible, or maybe it was one of the last surviving cans of Crystal Pepsi. Even if you're not trying for points for obscurity, just making him completely addicted to Mountain Dew could add another facet to his personality. Not by much, but it could be a subtle improvement. 4)My parents were still at my cousin’s Believe you meant "cousins' ". 5)Summertime at its finest: eighty degrees of dry heat. That's some good background setting, but it does make me curious as to where this story is set geographically. Personally, I hail from the deep south; land of grits, banjos, and meth labs. I have never encountered "dry heat" in my entire life, and only rarely "dry cold". Thus, I'm inclined to wonder where the story's supposed to be set. A detail like that is easy for a writer to take for granted, but stands out to readers. Moving on. 6)Mint plants grow around here, so there’s always a pleasant aroma. Nice sensory detail. 7)I quickly averted my gaze…what was I thinking, checking her out? These passages are interesting, and well done. There definitely seems to be something of a coming of age story unfolding. 8)“I’ve been thinking,” she said. “I thought I smelled something burning.” More clever dialogue. 9)After a few seconds of feeling around inside of it, she pulled out an oversized golden key. And so the fantasy aspects are introduced. You know, I could go off on a tangent about your use of literal symbolism in making a key the object that allows your character to "open the door" to a new world and begin his journey, but... It's goddamn 4 am. So I'll just say good job and move on. 10)As the world ripped open in front of me, I fainted dead away. And a good, succinct closer. The story looks good; not as many clicks, whistles, pop-culture references, or allusions to obscure epic poems as I tend to load my stories with, but solid and cogent. I like what you've got here, and I'll be reading on. In the meantime, I'm going to go do that thing where you're unconscious for a while. -Disturbly
Shadows in the Fire 2007-04-15 ch 1,	abuseFantastic! Playful, light, fun, dramatic. Keep it up! -Amber
Anters 2007-03-03 ch 5,	abuseOkay, so I just read all five chapters in one sitting (glad this is one of your shorter stories...) and it reminds me a lot of the book The Subtile Knife, with the wormholes and parallel universes, and a device that can get peoples to and from. Good thing I love that book! So, not as adventrous or action-oriented as, I dunno, Eternal Flame, but it holds its own I think. I do think I'm more of a fan of Eternal Flame though (it's a classic) but I'm sure with... more understanding, I guess, I'll get a little more into the swing of things here. Look forward to an update again mon ami. -Anters-
Burnt Bread 2007-02-04 ch 5,	abuse“Well, I was a ninja for Halloween," haha, impressive. When I become a respected movie script writer, I may email you one day and tell you that I've stolen this line from you. Either that, or I'll offer you money and we can work together creating funny one liners. There's alot of character injected into Nik in this chapter, though he's the narrator so if he lacked character, I would be very worried. It's very easy to sympathise with this one, because most readers arn't really masters of sword stuff. I think in the paragraph after Nik talks about taking down the first puppet, you could describe the sword in more detail because I'm still not convinced he is holding a sword - the sword in the picture is very blurry. More descriptions about the way it grips, how it moves with momentum, any possible difficulties other than weight. The transition from routine into training-gone-wrong is interesing. Puppet is suddenly not just a training prop, but the enemy. The scene would have gotten pretty boring with the repetative chop and bop, but the progressions makes things interesting. Good job there. Good hint on Nik's observation skills (puppet jumping, not walking), setting up a trait that may come in handy. On the fight scene, you focus more on Nik's behaviour and actions rather than his character. I don't know if that's something good or bad, just pointing it out because the style is noticibly different from the beginning of the chapter where you dwell more on his thoughts. Of course, having some kid defeat evil droid from hell first go is... very old school Star Wars and I'm not sure if today's audiences will take it. Awwighty. Bread out.
pixieofdarkness 2007-01-29 ch 5,	abusethe plot thickens
Running to Stand Still 2007-01-25 ch 5,	abuseCool, I like sword fights... That droid (what was it called?) was a real pain in the backside! Good job, update it again soon!
felicia13 2007-01-24 ch 5,	abuseHey! This looks oddly familiar ... grins Wonder why? ^^ Well, it's nice to see someone who actually takes my advice and not just pretend. Sorry ... this one girl has posted this story that I edited, but I'm pretty sure she didn't use any of the things I suggested. Rawr. What was the point if she wasn't going to use any of it? Anywho, back to YOUR story. Even though I still think it's a bit fake that this kid can learn how to use a sword in two and a half seconds flat (equivalent of five wooden dudes), I do like the scene. Well, it's really the whole chapter. I like it nonetheless! However ... we have to start talking about the possibility that Demitri wants this kid (WHAT is his name?! it's driving me crazy) dead and will steal his gf, Kara, when he's gone. I firmly believe that's what's going to happen in the end. Fo'real. I'm dead serious, love. Having said that, good chapter! ^^ Love, Felicia.
Burnt Bread 2006-12-21 ch 4,	abuseWa, no time leave long review make sense. Dodgy internet. What a strange development. But I guess a story's not complete without strange burly men with european names.
Shiranui Akatsuki 2006-12-06 ch 4,	abuseI know how that feels. I tried writing 50 words in 4 days just after my A Levels ended on 25th November and I failed miserably.
pixieofdarkness 2006-12-02 ch 4,	abuseshane, this is my favotie story u have written and i like where its goign, keep up the good work!
felicia13 2006-12-02 ch 4,	abuseRawr. I will attempt to read your novel-ish ASAP. Unfortunately, that probably won't be until Christmas break. Sorry, darling. This, however, is some nice stuff. I like Dimitri. He's a bit creepy and bit tall and a bit exciting. He makes a nice character. And the plot is starting to deepen! I wish you the best of luck on the other chapters you're working on and I'll try to get them edited sooner than I did on this one. -_-;; Love, Felicia.
Running to Stand Still 2006-11-30 ch 4,	abuseThat was cool... very unexpected, but definitely cool. So I'm sensing there's lots of stuff he'd rather not get into right now, eh? Oh well, that's for later chapters I guess... It's so amazing and entrancing, so don't give up! Keep updating!
Shiranui Akatsuki 2006-10-23 ch 3,	abuseNice chapter. Please update it soon.
Durandel 2006-10-18 ch 3,	abuseWow, very cool, I liked this chapter very much, it was dark and was really descriptive, nice, see you on the next!
Durandel 2006-10-17 ch 2,	abuseThe plot thickens, it was great, this story seems pretty original, though I've already seen an over-sized key before, but it's good.

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