Reviews for A Tale of Krith: The Great Kithanu

Reviews For: A Tale of Krith: The Great Kithanu

Written 2008-03-05 ch 1,	abusereally interesting piece. I feel like I'd understand it better if I took the time to read your profile or your other pieces, but I'll save that for another day, as it's nearly 4 am. your writing is impeccable, though very slow in pace. a bit ick, in the gore, but very good.
InSilverShadows 2008-02-26 ch 1,	abuseI was directed here through Phantos' lovely page. :P Both of us are under her favorites, and she has such great taste I thought I would check out some of your stuff. I'd gladly have read something longer if I'd had the time. :P I enjoyed this, in that sick-twisted-little voice way. You write battle scenes fantastically, and gore even more fantastically. :P I thought I'd peep at some gore examples as one of my own stories is getting a little blood-and-fleshey. I like how you really capture the sense of urgency and stress with the way you write your battle scenes, and I'm eager to read more of your work! -ISS
Alteng 2007-12-16 ch 1,	abuseI'm sorry this took so long to get to. I've been tied up with other stories. This is a really great piece here. I am very honored indeed that you chose one of my stories to review. I am in the process of doing an overhaul on Bane of Rendsberg. And I thank you. As for this piece, I wish I could do so well. It was brutal, yet it was not sickening, although there were some horrible things going on. I was quite impressed with the strength that Ksast has in both body and mind. It reminds me of an alien version of Conan. The beating of the Kithanu was done in a such a cold way. I would have thought that it was Ksast getting his frustration out for losing Bot. The onlky problem I did have was the bit in the middle about the battle, but many things go over my head. I have some concentration problems, so I am certain that it is on my part.
Cyres and Ty 2007-06-17 ch 1,	abuseNamaste, I try to give good, detailed, constructive reviews. The only way I really know how to do that is to go paragraph by paragraph and offer suggestions/alternatives/”I would to it this ways” and/or thoughts as I read. I’m sure this annoys people, but I think that any other way would just end up being fluff with no real substance. Disclaimer: grammar is not greatest talent (much to my co-authors dismay), any of those suggestions with a grain of salt. Also I’m human and screw-up on a daily basis. Ok, now that I've instilled confidence, lets jump right in… Paragraph 1: The call is a really cool concept that you come up with, and I like the way your first paragraph opens with it, especially the last two sentences. However, as you tend to advice against multiple gerunds, I advice against repetitive words in a paragraph), I would swap the second “call” with another word like “cry”. Paragraph 2: Start off with a nitpick. “… and took in…” You could probably go with a better descriptor than that—“breathed in” maybe. I’d actually move choke up, and go with gagging, suffocating, or etc in sentence 2. Sentence 3 – Could be an English difference (forgive me if it is), but “palpitated” to “palpitated”. Very good use of the word there either case. Sentence 4 – You double up somewhat with taste and aftertaste, I’d swap one out for flavor or something similar. Paragraph 3: Sentence 1 – You’ve use “scent” three times, vary it up, explore a bit. Sentence 2 – Nice gritty visual. I like the bluntness of it. Paragraph 4: Small thing: “…for a moment, then let…” to “…for a moment, and then let…” I think I’ve seen it written both ways, but I always feel better tossing the “and” in. Paragraph 6: I like the cold, detached perspective you’ve given him/the race (of course you can’t be too dismayed when you know a severed limb is coming back.) Paragraph 7: I this paragraph seemed a little off. I think it came from the sequencing in sentence 2. I’d flip the two aspects of that sentence so the armour is mention first and then the all the damage he took. Paragraph 8: Sentence 1, you have an undefined “it” (Yes everyone knows it = leg/bone, but I’d still change one of the its because it’s a new paragraph). Paragraph 9: I’d swap “it” in sentence 2 out for the prey or something else. Really same comment here that I had for paragraph 8. Paragraph 10: Undefined “its” again in sentence 1. Sentence 2, 3, and 7-- the “, then” vs. “, and then”. Again I’m not sure if both ways aren’t correct. Last time I’ll bring that up. The whole sequence with the teeth was fun to read. Paragraph 11: I think you could cut out about ½ the its in this paragraph and make it read a touch smoother. Example: The kithanu before him was a giant among its kind. Twin sets of tusks that were almost as thick as Ksast’s arm were capped in deadly ivory points, spires of death jutting above and below its muzzle. Snarling, the kithanu shifted its massive bulk, and then let out another deafening screech, but could do no more. Also, “muzzle” makes me think of more of a dog than terrifying lizard-beast. Paragraph 12: Sentence 3: I’d toss in “to be fitted” right before “neck” so it matches with your second configuration description. Sentence 4: Drop the apostrophe in “it’s”. Paragraph 13: Define at least one of the 4 “its” you have in sentence 1 (you’re probably getting tired of me saying that.), and I’d drop the 2nd “its”. I liked the overall description of the kithanu, especially the tail. Paragraph 14: Define in sentence 2. And I’d drop “put up before it” in sentence 2, I don’t think you need it. The rest of the paragraph is good stuff. Paragraph 16: Again, the call is a really cool concept. Paragraph 17: Sentence 3— add an “and” before “eager”. Sentence 4—I’d drop the “again” to avoid redundancy. Paragraph 18: Ok, it took me this long to realize/say it, but you use pronouns where you don’t need to. Look at sentence 1 for example. We know that it’s Ksast’s arm, head, might, and ribs, so you don’t need to say that each one belongs to him. Paragraph 20: Sentence 1 – I don’t think the middle part of the sentence is very clear. I’d connect sentences 2 and 3 with a dash. Interesting ending to the paragraph. Paragraph 21: Sentence 1 – “the side” to “her side”. Paragraph 22: Good visuals. Paragraph 25: I would change it from “one hand” to “his remaining hand” Paragraph 26: I’d break up your second sentence. I’d take the first part “But there was no doubt about this one” and either connect it with sentence 1 or make it a stand alone line. Then start with the final line (which was succinctly both brutal and excellent… defiantly set the Cyldon apart from humanity with it.) Paragraph 28: Sentence 1 – you don’t need “one”. Paragraph 31: Interesting thoughts. Something tells me the soft-shells don’t have the benefit of the communal call and such growth is lost upon them. Paragraph 32: Sentence 1: drop the “at him”. Sentence 3: I’d swap “his hatchet” out with “his weapon” to avoid using the term that close. Nice touch with the death-grip fingers, though I didn’t completely follow with the transition into the forest. Paragraph 33: General comments about pronouns -- see above. Paragraph 37: Again some good imagery and an equally brutal thought process. Paragraph 38: Second sentence -- define an “it”. Nice touch with the insects at the end. Paragraph 39: Sentence 1 – I’d go with just “…with bright red blood.” Paragraph 40: Sentence 1: Define one of those its. Paragraph 42: Sentence 2 – Because of the gerund beginning the sequencing in the sentence can’t work. Also, you’ve got a few too many “its” roaming about in that sentence 2 and 3. Last sentence – swap out “part” to avoid redundancy. Paragraph 46: The whole concept of this paragraph is made of win. I’m loving the Cyldon savageness. Same as above for it and the pronouns. Paragraph 47: That’s got to be a ** to do with a fractured leg. Then again he’s missing an arm too. I’m sure you’d have rather had a review of your more current works, but as I read the explanation of your world and its peoples in your bio page I wanted to see what passed for the “bad guys”. (I’m sure that gravitating there frist speaks volumes about me.) I’ll get around to one of your more major works I promise. Anyway, this was a very nice short story. Defiantly well thought out and well written. The detail and concepts were rich. The “bad guys” weren’t mindless little embodiments of evil that one so often finds peppered into fiction press stories. I think you just need to watch for word redundancy, and avoid getting over zealous with the pronouns. Cyres
firefly2006 2006-11-01 ch 1,	abuserealy great! auesome! now will U read all of my storys and see if they are good? oh and i am american BTW!
diamond-dust08 2006-10-22 ch 1,	abusehi, sorry for the late return review but here i am and i hope to make up for it (although this is more of a critique rather than a review). i don't have anything at all to complain here--grammar is impeccable, and the vocabulary is surely worthy of praise (richer and more varied than most authors here in FP, which is saying something). your prose is certainly elegant, though, but it suffers from slow pacing. i know that this is your style, judging from your profile, but a lot of lines in this story seem a bit too drawn-out and unnecessary that it felt like it was too sweet i was like to gag. it kinda gives the appearance of an overly-decorated gown; it sure has the frills (and a lot of it), although even without those details and elaboration you could describe the setting and the event just as well. thus, it gives your story a hard, tedious reading. writing details are fun, and writing build-up is fun, but sometimes, all a reader needs is for you to get the point. don't beat around the bush. don't tell us the sun is beating from on so high when you were referring to a flash flood. don't tell us an army of red ants were milling on a patch of dry earth when you want to to describe a cactus. see what i mean? while i do give you the credit that your descriptions were gorgeous, finely crafted and very vivid, you sometimes love too much describing that you stray from the main idea. don't get too giddy about details, because too much of it bogs down the pace, as i've told you before. you write to entertain the typical reader (and by typical i mean casual, not the hardcore type) so you have to make your style as accessible as possible without taking its identity. in fact, your prose has a distinct flavor: too sweet, but i do hope your writing can evolve to not only be characterized by sweetness but power as well (you have power, though, but after all that buildup and description it kinda feels like an anti-climax, because as i said, it's too drawn out). brilliant and outstanding imagery. this is one of those instances where i feel like i'm in an opera house, where the music is certainly excellent but is too long for my taste. not my cup of tea, but you do write very, very well; you just have to go on a diet from details. keep writing! ~DD
John Michael Christopher 2006-09-20 ch 1,	abuseWith all the attention paid to the gritty little details, you read like a comic book writer. I liked it, though this isn't typically the branch of fantasy I enjoy. I wonder what the world the characters inhabit and their society is like and whether this is meant to be a stand alone. A collection of these would make for an interesting way to get to know this place. My favorite part of the story is the layered relationship between Ksast and Bot. My favorite line is 'Shouldn't have ducked. Should have rolled.' Good story.
Moonpaw3 2006-09-11 ch 1,	abuseOverall a great read. A bit of a 'yucky' start, a little too on the gorey side for me, but i do like the way you describe his actions- basically creature-like...well, at least more than i would expect... The sentence in the 6th paragraph 'That was just the beginning of his woes' seems a little out of place, although i do see what you're going for. Maybe if you worded it differently or placed it elsewhere it would flow easier.One thing about the story that I find a little disconerting is how he seems to care so little about his condition. It is a weird perspective to take on while discovering the damage done...I really like how throughout the entire story you get the background information of Ksast, rather than you blurting it all out in the very beginning, it keeps the reader hooked.Overall, All i can really say is that -even though it kinda creeped me out a bit- it was a very very good and exciting read!
ClassicTrick 2006-08-31 ch 1,	abusecool story. very nice job with descriptions

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