   gabriellafaith 2006-11-27 . chapter 2Hey :) You had asked me before to go back and show you the grammatical errors I could find, so here I am. There weren't many, dont worry lol, but I'll show you what I see.
Okay... "She smiled at her reflection; the shirt was new she had just bought it yesterday" This is a run-on. Maybe "...was new, as she..." could fix it.
"Charlie then turned her attention to her large collection of shoes, after studying her choices she decided on a pair of black cowgirl boots" This is a comma splice, because there are two complete sentences. You can fix it with either a semicolon or a period and capital letter.
" 'Charlie where are you?' the voice came from somewhere downstairs, she smiled." Several things in this sentence, actually. First, there should be a comma after "Charlie." Second, "the" should begin with a capital letter, as it is the beginning of a new sentence. Next, this sentence is a comma splice; "She smiled" is a complete sentence by itself, so I would correct it with a period and capital letter. Lastly, "She" is an indefinate pronoun reference. The last person referred to is the voice, and so to clarify that the person smiling is Charlie, you need to put that "Charlie smiled," rather than "She smiled."
"The petite make-up artist was one of the few people who knew that Sapphire and Charlie was the same person." It was a simple mistake here. Since you are referring to Sapphire and Charlie as two seperate people, the verb should be plural, making it "were the same person," instead of "was the same person."
"Tina asked as she entered the room, 'Ohh, I love your outfit.'" This was another simple mistake. The quote from Tina was not a continuation of the sentence before it, and can stand as a complete sentence on its own. Therefore, there should be a period before the quote, rather than a comma.
"'We have plenty of time,' Tina opened her bag..." Again, just make the comma a period because the quote and following sentence can both stand alone as complete sentences. There are several more of this same mistake throughout your story, so I'm not going to go through and point all of them out seperately. Just go through and, now that you know what to look for, you'll be able to spot these easily.
"Tina smiled back, 'Thank you. Now all you have to do is get your wig on'". Remember, all punctuation go before the quotation marks.
"You look wonderful, go sing your heart out" This is a comma splice.
"Getting up she grabbed..." I would suggest putting a comma after "Getting up." It would help the sentence flow better and, frankly, it just goes there lol.
Alright, I'm really sorry but I can't finish proof-reading this right now. I'll come back later to finish when I can. Sorry if I seemed really mean while you read this, but please remember that I'm only trying to help you improve your story. It really is a good story :) All in the spirit of "constructive criticism," right? lol Okay well I guess I'll ttyl. |
| gabriellafaith 2006-11-25 . chapter 10 This is a really good beginning to a story. It definately reminds me of the show Hannah Montana lol. i don't mean to sound harsh, but there were tons of grammatical errors, so I'd definately go back and proof-read this if I were you. Other than that though, the storyline is good, although I'm not quite seeing a solid plot just yet. I did enjoy it, and I'm looking forward to an update :) |
 R. A. Faith 2006-09-08 . chapter 3This story's great so far, but for some reason, while I was reading, I couldn't get the "Hannah Montana" theme song out of my head. I'm just weird. But anyway, good job, and update soon! |
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