A perfect vignette. Well done. The restricted feeling of the rhyming seemed to add to the tenseness of the moment. Good job. Also thanks for your revies.

Awesome! You just keep getting better and better with your expression. This poem reads like a blueprint of someone's mind at a specific place and time... if you can manage to keep this spirit alive for a novel-length story, it would most definately be worth reading.

this is an amazing poem, it made me cry