Have read up to ch 6 now. I like the storyline and enjoy the characters' interactions with each other. Definitely needs some grammatical correction, which is easily fixed. There are places where it is a little disjointed and leaves me wondering about what happened in the crack so to speak. Ex: When Dayshowen and Konay were buying the wedding gift, I wondered how they had the money to buy a futon. Then there was a general reference to wrapping the presents, but how do you wrap a futon? It could just be my inquiring mind because other than instances here and there like that, I am really enjoying this story and look forward to reading the rest.

um in chapter 9 and 10 you have two very large chunks of words. you could try making paragraphs because it can intimidate some readers. intimidate isn't really the right word but basically it means they wont want to read it with all the words squished together. also: the word "negotiation" isn't spelled: "negation" just thought i'd point that out. This is weird giving critcism to someone my brother's age... oh well.

it's okay. Um... you could try to maybe talk to your english teacher about some grammatical errors and how to fix them. Or get those editor buddies of yours to get on with the editing. Otherwise it's very nice.

This is really good but you really do need to cut down on you paragraph length in some of your chapters.

A new paragraph is for a new subject so you can break your two massive paragraphs up.

Apart from that great keep up the good work and feel free to review "Rise of the Voidmark"

This is really good please continue soon.

This is good! Please update as soon as you can

This is cool! I love it can't wait till you update!

This is really good! I wish I could read the rest of it now.

not bad not bad. again: proofread

that chapter was extremely rushed but it worked. also the when the marriage was announced don't you think that the other two girls would've started squealing with delight and then admiring the ring of Ondreya. then the guys would have been congratulating Tagin. also i think since they're so young it would be a little strange but hey i'm only in middle school so what do i know.

wonderful. the least errors yet. you might want to maybe have shown a little more shock on the teacher's part considering how there is now a way to manipulate an unknown element. it would be like finding the cure for cancer. it's just a little schocking don't you think?

good chappie. again: proofread. also that part where they talk about his wound and his thoughts of joining the war ancients was kind of naked. you might want to go more into depth with his decision because otherwise it seems like a random scentence in the story.

great story so far! i think i'll enjoy the rest of the chapters. although there are some punctuation errors and typos. might want to proofread as i need to.

I like this story. It's interesting. I'd like to see some dialogue and there are a couple run-on sentences, but, otherwise, it's good. I'd put it on my faves if I hadn't already put up the max amount of stories on there.

i thought it was very good keep writing